[Aardwolf]

I'm not sure if I can ever really know exactly whats going on in my head, because most of the time to be quite frank i'm not really that sure myself.

Its the same bloody (pardon the pun) result every time. I end up hurting myself because I can't deal with the pain thats inside me in an appropriate and useful format.

I am getting rather more worried as of late, as I don't seem to be remembering to do a bit of self care, looking after myself, and setting myself limits as much as I used to.

It's wierd, I care, but I don't care anymore what I do to myself..

[puzzclar]

That's how I feel EVERY single day, moment, minute, second. I'm not sure what happens in my head, but running from the pain just doesn't help. (running as in sui or si) I worry about my mind and the si a lot but if I slack off in the self care department then I know something big could happen. Please be careful, You could be at a dangerous cross roads. If you are anything like me.

[Sannah]

What are you going to do to improve this situation?

[Aardwolf]

Sannah ~ I visited my doc today to speak with him about my problems.. His response was "well we can't fix this one with a course of antibiotics"... Maybe not appropriate but at least he has a sense of humour i suppose.. ~ In terms of what I am doing to try and improve it, I'm trying to figure out what got me off self harm previously. I'm not sure exactly what works, as I try and use a few things all at once. When I say a few things, that ranges from dealing with the cause, to dealing with how I feel right at that moment and try and distract myself or occupy myself in some other way.
Its a peculiar one for me, I usually feel in control about more or less everything I do, however I have been feeling more worried as of late about how i'm dealing, or conversly, not dealing with things properly.

puzzclar ~ I don't know if I'm anything like you, as I don't know you. However I would not call it dangerous to be honest, just worrying at the moment. I'm not saying that self harm is not dangerous, as inherently it is, but you know what I mean ?

[puzzclar]

No, honesty is not dangerous. What I meant was when I've been at that cross road between not self harming, and actually self harming. That area if you choose the wrong thing could be dangerous. I've choosen to self harm far to often, and mentally that cross road is dangerous. The honesty of being there is not dangerous, but a careful situation. (if that makes sense)

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

ranges from dealing with the cause, to dealing with how I feel right at that moment and try and distract myself or occupy myself in some other way.

These all sound like good things to do which would work.

Did something recently happen which got you off balance?

[Aardwolf]

Sannah ~ Yes, my sister killed herself.

puzzclar ~ Aye that makes sense

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

my sister killed herself.

Oh AC, I am so sorry. When did this happen?

[Aardwolf]

Sannah ~ New years day. And don't be sorry, there's nothing anyone could have done.

[Sannah]

I'm sorry for your loss. How is your family doing? Are you all talking and supporting each other or isolating?

[Aardwolf]

To cut a long story short, We are blood brother and sister, however when we where 7 we where both adopted by different families, one came to the uk, one stayed in the US. I was the one who came to the UK. A year ago she moved to the UK to try and find me, however was not succesful. And only when she took her life and left some things to me did the police get in touch with me by searching thier database, I used to do some security work so I was on thier system. My adoptive family is not aware, and I've never been able to trace my biological family.
So I'm isolating at the moment..

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

His response was "well we can't fix this one with a course of antibiotics"... Maybe not appropriate but at least he has a sense of humour i suppose.

My appendix burst and a week after I got out of the hospital, turned out I was allergic to one of the antibiotics so was right back in the ER. My surgeon had commented when I first called him a couple days previously, "well, we know it's not your appendix. . ."

You say you stop doing self care but the self care field is huge. I would work on doing things that get you something you "enjoy" like changing your bed (clean sheets), doing laundry (warm, clean towels and underwear), taking showers (warm, clean, good-smelling self) and throw in a trip to the library if you like to read, for some good/comforting books to read in bed before sleep or buy/rent a new video game http://www.gamefly.com/ ) or movie, etc. and build up a comforting/comfortable repertoire of literal/physical self care options that might help reduce the need for SI? Just turning to something positive when we hurt, for either comfort or distraction can at least get us through the next little bit of time?

[Sannah]

She was your twin? You weren't aware of her existence until you were contacted with this news? Who can you talk to about this?

[Aardwolf]

Sannah ~ Yes and yes.. which i suppose makes it slightly easier for me, still shocking mind. and I spoke with my councillor today about it.. She was very supportive and referred me to a few agency's and support groups which i will check out n due course. Sooner rather than later mind..

Perna ~ Yes I understand what you mean, the self care I refer to is mostly the looking after my self inflicted injuries. But I do understand exactly what your saying and I am trying to rectify that,,

[Sannah]

So glad that you talked to your counselor about it! Good work.

Im sorry you feel this way. I always tried to impose set limits on things like the amount, depth, what implement etc. I guess the change came when i was admitted to hopsital and the doctor who was attending my wounds remarked on how they weren't very deep (yet still deep enough to warrant her care, id like to add). As you can imagine i became pretty angry and basicallly stormed out. I can't believe how some people tend to link depth or severity with how your feeling on the inside. Its just absurd. From then on i just didn't give a toss really. It didn't matter where or how much i just did enough until i felt better and sadly its still that way with me. Sorry i know ive gone off on a tangent but i know what its like to reach that point where your feeling out of control or even detatched from what your doing. Your not alone *hug*