Having a Hard Time....(may trigger)

Ok, so I haven't cut today...yet. I'm trying really hard not to, but the scissors...my utensil of choice recently....are just sitting there, calling my name, and I know that all i have to do is pick them up and cut...it's that simple. I don't know if anyone else does this, but once i cut and get a scab, I start to pick at it, and it's like cutting again and again, each time i pick the scab....which makes the cuts deeper and scar worse. I don't know if that's normal or what, but i do that. I'm sorry that this may trigger, but i thought that if i could get all this stuff out, maybe it would keep me from cutting...and maybe if i can not cut for one day, i can not cut for two days, and so on.... I don't know if i'm just crazy or niave, or what. I mean to think that one day of not cutting would really make a difference, but i wish that i wouldn't have cut at all two nights ago, because then i'd still have my two year record.....i'm such and idiot. Really, I am so damn stupid!....I can't stand how stupid I am. I am so disgusted with myself. I mean, how can i be thinking all these things? HOw can i be feeling sorry for myself, there are so many people out there who have it way worse that I do. I am really lucky...i mean i have a family, and well...not really any friends...but....I don't even know anymore....

Hi dreamer, welcome to the group.

I've been reading your posts for awhile now, and this one I felt I needed to respond to.

First off, please realize how proud you should be over not cutting for that long. Everyone slips at some point in time when they are trying to stop doing something. I envy you, believe me.

I started cutting not too long ago myself - now I can't stop. I try to fool myself by saying that I haven't picked up a blade and actually made a cut - when in reality I do just what you do, pick at the scab and not let it heal. I use my knife to just "take the scabs off", but I'm not making any new cuts, so I'm okay..........yea right.

The scars on both my upper thighs stare up at me and are a testiment to my lies of "not cutting". I am amazed at how deep and ugly those scars are and am horrified at what I have done. Yet the urge to continue is more powerful than my horror and disgust.

I was doing well by hiding it but recently I cut my arm up so badly that I wrapped it, not only to hide what I had done, but I thought it would heal faster and I couldn't get to it while it was wrapped. I haven't done anything more to my arm, but I didn't realize that those cuts (all 19 of them) were so deep until the scars showed up.

I had told people at work that I had burned myself, but when I had no choice but to take the wrap off, my lie was very apparent........and everyday I am so embarassed.

You are not crazy or naive..........any day, any hour that you DON'T cut is good. Take it in little time slots and celebrate it with a good pat on the back for having gotten through it.

It is hard, a battle that is worse than most to overcome. You aren't alone, not at all. You aren't stupid either, just stressed and addicted to an outlet that seems to work for you.

In the long run though, getting to the root of what is bothering you is the only way to permanently stop cutting. I know this, but I haven't been able to deal with what I need to do. I may never be able to...........but I keep trying. Please try to solve whatever the issue is and work on getting through it.

In the meantime, keep hanging in there. Like I said, you're not alone.

Mary Alice

oh my gosh... that is exactly how i feel... especially with the part at the bottom about being stupid and selfish... it's alright... it's a bad thing, but while we are stuck in it we will be stuck in it together!

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

I think "compassion" is the word that we need to remember. When I cut my palm up a couple of weeks ago I wore a couple of bandaids across it at work so that if I forgot and took money palm up my customer wouldn't get creeped out. Nothing like seeing "help" carved in someone's hand, eh? Once I was asked what happened. My answer was "Stupidity happened to me, that is all." I had no compassion for the person who carved that word in my palm. I told someone that she was stupid thereby devalueing her, making her less than.

Why do we have no compassion for ourselves. I don't think that any of you are stupid. I feel compassion and love for each one of you. I understand your pain and want to make you feel better and help you get what you need in life. Each time you cut, I want to hold you close and tell you it will be alright. I want to give you the forgiveness that you cannot seem to give to yourselves. But when I cut I push myself down with dirisive comments. I feel like a failure and I feel like a whiner and I feel like I am just...stupid. I would never call any one of you stupid. I don't think a single one of you is stupid. So why do I call myself stupid? I am merely poorly equipped to deal with the emotions that flow over me. I feel like I am drowning in pain and will die if I don't make it stop. I am just trying to save myself the only way I know how. But I am smart enough to know that my way is not the only way, nor is it the best way so I continue to seek, to learn new ways. As is each one of you.

So I challenge you and myself to find compassion for the part of you that feels that pain the causes the external scars we put on ourselves. I challenge you and myself to talk with love and forgiveness when part of ourself caves in the to desire to make it all go away.

Take care,
With love and light,
Carrie

<font color=blue>The soul should always stand ajar ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.--Emily Dickinson

It's amazing how quickly you can realize that you are not alone. I know about the scars....I have a good 100+ of them...on my arms and stomach, even one on my breast. My arms were the first place, then my stomach, because my stomach is easier to hide. My parents haven't found out about my recent cuts, they don't know, and I don't want them to, i feel too ashamed to let them know...and then they will worry. I don't want them to worry, I am the only one allowed to do that! (j/k) I have been cutting since i was 12, i'm now 18....so 6 years....gosh, it's been that long...of course almost 2 of those years were without cutting...but being a cutter is much like being an alcholic, in that no matter how long you haven't done it, you are still a cutter...you are still recovering...and you can still fall back into the old habits...as I have learned all too quickly. Some good news though, I didn't cut last night, hopefully I can do the same tonight, yet again, my scissors are right there...calling my name. It is a fight, a constant fight. I have dreams of finally cutting my wrists and ending it all. But those are NIGHTMARES because I want to live. That is the only way that I know I'm not back where I was 2 years ago. Because, I want to live, I want to get out of college and become a teacher, I want a family, a life. I am just going through a hard time right now, which I will get through. I know I am strong. Stronger that I thought, because I have made it this far, and I REFUSE to let depression, and cutting, and society's view of things ruine all that I want, and all that I will have. It may kill me, but I'm going to fight, because this is my life, and I want to live it!

~Kati~

Kati,
It is just a temporary thing but why don't you through those sissor in a dumpster somewhere? Do it in a ritualistic way with the intent that in throwing away the sissor you are also throwing away the idea that there is something wrong with you.
Carrie

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette