[newtus]

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--MAY BE TRIGGERING---
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i have trichotillomania which is sometimes seen as a form. but just adding that.
i started cutting at 13. done it for years. still do. even til this age. 21.
i went on to punching myself
then. i went on to jumping off stuff.
it started over small bushes and not breaking my fall.
then jumping off stuff like a backyard shed. 10 ft high.
not breaking my fall.
i always wanted to try my house. because its only 1 story.
not to much higher.
im afraid. but idk.
i just needed to spill my guts.

[roads]

(((((((newtus))))))
I'm hoping you mean you want to spill your guts here in posting. If you are feeling a serious need to physically harm yourself now, please call for help: 800-273-8255 if you dont have someone to call.

If you just feel the need to be in touch here, here we are. But please know that jumping from 1-story buildings will hurt you a lot and might kill if you hit right sensitive part. Mostly it's for sure just going to break a bunch of bones and hurt. Please don't put yourself through this!

I dont know very much about SI but do understand that it sometimes can be calming as an alcoholic (like me) will find a swallow of scotch from a bottle. But it just leads to the need for more--it's no answer.

Do you have a T you've worked with? Can you/do you still connect?

Roadie

[kindachaotic]

(((((((Newtus)))))))

Don't know you but just wanted you to know someone also read your post & cares.

Please be safe.
Chaotic

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Roadie

If you just feel the need to be in touch here, here we are. But please know that jumping from 1-story buildings will hurt you a lot and might kill if you hit right sensitive part. Mostly it's for sure just going to break a bunch of bones and hurt. Please don't put yourself through this!

I dont know very much about SI but do understand that it sometimes can be calming as an alcoholic (like me) will find a swallow of scotch from a bottle. But it just leads to the need for more--it's no answer.

Do you have a T you've worked with? Can you/do you still connect?

yea just posting really i mean.
thats why i jump.
the pain. i like the pain. i want that pain so i can the mental pain. yea...
i want to be immobile. i want to be dead.
but anyway rambling now.///
i dont have anything right now.
i quit therapy. that stuff doesnt help me.
im supposed to see a psychdoc soon
but i think im gonna try and back out of that actually.
if i can
its just you know...none of that stuff helps me.
ive been through meds and therapy since i was 13.
its kinda all bull for me.
because meds dont help. period.
therapy...
it just doesnt help.

my minds very cloudy right now.
i wish i did have some sort of alcohol right now.
i dont. dont worry. or any crap like that.
im just. here.

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

(((((((Newtus)))))))

Don't know you but just wanted you to know someone also read your post & cares.

Please be safe.
Chaotic

thanks i do need that.

[Sannah]

Hi Newtus, please stay safe. Do you mind if I ask you what you were working on in therapy?

[Mike_J]

Ever thought about trying a bit of transference with these feelings. What came to mind was bungee jumping, might take care of your urges in a safe controlled way.

[Gr3tta]

I like the bungee jumping idea!
Another thing I do sometimes is to put my hands or feet in a big bowl of ice. Leave them in there until they go numb, then take them out. The really cold ice is a strong physical sensation, then the blood moving back into the vessels hurts a fair amount. It's a physical, painful distraction from your mind, but it's not ultimately doing any real harm to your body.

[roads]

Newtus, are you still here?
Mike_J:

Ever thought about trying a bit of transference with these feelings. What came to mind was bungee jumping, might take care of your urges in a safe controlled way.

What a great idea! At least sounds like one to me. I had a chance & didnt/couldn't ... way too many possibilities for broken wrists, torn shoulder tendons, etc.

Gr3tta:

Another thing I do sometimes is to put my hands or feet in a big bowl of ice. Leave them in there until they go numb, then take them out. The really cold ice is a strong physical sensation, then the blood moving back into the vessels hurts a fair amount. It's a physical, painful distraction from your mind, but it's not ultimately doing any real harm to your body.

I've had frostbite. Major pain.

Thank you both. Newtus is special. I don't like it when he's hurting in badyou can ways, but I have to admit I depend on him to tell be which are which. Slowly with his help I think I'm learning the difference, which is so important to him.

Newtus, check in if you can...
Roadie

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Newtus is special.

how so?

Originally Posted by Mike_J

Ever thought about trying a bit of transference with these feelings.

yea i thought about parkour
or working with the dead.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Newtus, please stay safe. Do you mind if I ask you what you were working on in therapy?

nothing. thats why i quit.
i didnt want to open up anyway.
i couldnt.
i didnt want to full admit my problem
because im at odds with it.

[roads]

Originally Posted by newtus

how so?

You are not afraid to explore your feelings and needs. You will continue to come here and post, even thou you so often feel hopeless. You would rather feel something than nothing ... or so I think, found your statement that you both wanted to feel pain and wanted to be dead at odds. Still.

You are a special newtus to me. I care how you feel, how you are, and what happens to you.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Roadie

You are not afraid to explore your feelings and needs. You will continue to come here and post, even thou you so often feel hopeless.

yea.
thats..completely opposite of me.
but i appreciate the sentiment.
i still come here because im alone 24/7.
im bored and i have made some aquaintances
with the people over in the forum above this one.
plus im trying to post proof.
i hardly ever feel nothing.
i WISH i could feel nothing. thats not usual for me.

idk what to say
i dont feel that hopeless.
i dont understand?

[roads]

newtus:

yea.
thats..completely opposite of me.
but i appreciate the sentiment.

okay ...

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Roadie

newtuskay ...

no i really do. thank you

[roads]

You are welcomed, newtus.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by newtus

nothing. thats why i quit.
i didnt want to open up anyway.
i couldnt.
i didnt want to full admit my problem
because im at odds with it.

You still feel this way?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am interested in your sharing.

thanks.

I am also a si'er.

Billi

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Sannah

You still feel this way?

yea i do. a lot.

[Sannah]

How long ago was it when you last tried therapy?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How long ago was it when you last tried therapy?

i quit in april.

[Sannah]

Do you want to try therapy again with a different therapist or one of the previous ones?

[newtus]

no i dont want therapy at all actually

[roads]

its never been of any help ever?

[newtus]

no actually it hasnt. ive been to 3 maybe 4 therapists since i was 13. none successful.

[roads]

Too bad. It helps me, but I'm bipolar II ... Need help sorting my mess of ideas. Sorry. Are you going inpatient?

[newtus]

no. i tried but it was unsuccessful.
now i dont think i need to.
idk. its hard for me to see if im ok or not i think? i judge that by these hospitals stays i keep gaining.