ooops...ashamed and embarassed...

I have just had to survive total embarassment and shame, even though it was only me making me feel that way. I have never needed stitches for any of my cuts. In 10 years I'm pleased with that. Burns are another story- they keep getting infected and needing dressed. But last night I took the cutting a bit too far and have just got back from the drs surgery with stitches. I can't believe I went so far, and what a mess I made of my leg. And again, I hardly felt any of it, as far as I can remember. I can only remember the parts I don't want to- the most horrible disgusting parts. But what is done is done, but I think (and hope) that this has been a real wake up call for me and that I can ease up a bit on this stuff. They nearly sent me to the ER for the stitches- then what???

(((((((((((((((((irish)))))))))))))))))))
I am glad you got the care you needed for that cut. I know it is very scary. I too have gone too the "extreme" and not realized it till later. My T has told me too have a journal handy so if possible to write before, which may prevent me from cutting, and to write after to possibly discover why I did it. If you are going through the same thing I do then it can be VERY confusing.
Please be safe
Cher

My nurse has asked me to phone the after hours support team, but after the issues I had with them I still feel like it is not really an option. But when she tells me that she REALLY wants me to try I kinda feel obliged to try and make an effort- she does so much for me. And she said the same thing- to write about it as much as I can to figure stuff out about these times. Thanks Cher

((((((((((( irish )))))))))))

I'm glad you went and got help for the cuts. I've never needed medical help but dread going too deep one day and having to get them involved. Like you said maybe this will help you moderate the cutting in the future and with the journalling perhaps that will help further .

((((((((((((((((IRISH))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that it got that bad, but good for you to get the medical attention you needed. I don't know what I would do in that sort of situation myself.

Many hugs and good thoughts to you!

Thanks. But life still sucks. The counsellor I have been seeing (funded through the family courts primarily for relationship counselling was doing individual therapy for me when ex pulled out) has had her application for more sessions denied, which means I no longer get to see her. She is the 1st counsellor/therapist I have really been able to trust somewhat and start to open up to. Apparently the waiting list for therapy through community mental health team is very long at the mo, and going privately is not even an option. I also have to see my pdoc on Monday. I am dreading this...I haven't seen her since last year I think (or was it Feb- I can't remember!!) and so much has gone on since then, for t he worse. I am dreading what she is going to say about this whole situation, and what she is going to do- I have this underlying fear that she will want me admitted into hospital to sort things out. I don't know if this is rational or not, but I am so scared she might say that. But anyway, that last cut has scared me into not doing any more at the mo- I am suffering enough now from it, considering it didn't hurt doing it. The worst part are the flashbacks of WHEN I was doing it. I don't remember before or after, but every time my mind starts to think about my leg or that episode the flashbacks are awful... Hey- thanks everyone for your support

(((((irish)))))

I'm glad you've taken care of yourself. Although, like you, I've never needed any kind of emergency care for my cuts, I think that in all our pain there is a good chance of going too far and too deep.

I think the thing with self-harm is that the more pain we feel, the less physical sensations we feel...which can endanger us even more.

I'm glad you're ok.

Just a quick post to say that altho I've had tons of thoughts of SI I haven't since this incident- it has really shaken me up. The flashbacks of the actual 'doing it' are still as bad, and I think in a way that is maybe my body's way of SIing without physical harm for now, esp while my leg heals. But like I said, after SIing nearly every day a fortnight ago I haven't in a week so fingers crossed it stays that way. And like my nurse pointed out, when we have our next cps meeting it would be good to go in with some +ves rather than all -ves!