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#1
Dec 19, 2012, 03:29 PM
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I recently started to cut again. I use to about a year ago, but it was never really that bad, and I stopped within a week. But now I'm doing it again. I don't do it for the pain, but I do it because I like the way the scars look, and I love the sting they give when I touch them later.
Recently in school, I have had a lot of people tell me I'm annoying, a baby, I need to grow up, and many things like that. I am a little leads mature than most people, because I was homeschooled until my sophomore year in high school, and now I'm a junior, so I have had less exposure to the world, and it's affecting me. I cry a lot, over stupid, small things. I cry when I can't understand chemistry, when I break a plate, when something dosnt go exactly as I planned, and my best friend is really getting onto me about that. He keeps telling me that I need to grow up, and cry less. I'm trying, I really am, but we just get into fights and I cry, and we start that cycle all over again. Also, my friends seem to be leaving me. Someone who I thought was my best friend, she started ditching me and coming up with excuses, but my other he's friend would tell me that he was hanging out with her, and she lied to me. And my other friends, I guess they are tired of hearing me cry, because they are never there for me anymore...3 months ago I lost my little cousisns, and I cried so much, and I still do, so I guess they are just sick of hearing me cry... As for the cutting, it started a week ago, I know the right thing would be to stop, which is why I'm posting on here, but I dont want to... They are not really had cuts, because I don't like the pain, I use a safety pin, and just drag the tip across my skin. When I'm at home, I cut on my waist, and they are a fair size, but not deep all, they almost never bleed. Yesterday, I wrote "unwanted" on my side, and the day beforethat, "weak" on the other. When I'm in school, if someone tells me that I'm doing something wrong, I stick the tip of the safty pin into my jeans, and make a small cut. I cant stand the pain, but I love standing in front of the mirror, and seeing the scars and redness, I don't know why, I just love the way it looks. And while I can't Stan the pain, I love the sting. Throughout the day, I press my hang on my side, and it starts to sting, I just love the way that feels. It satisfies me, and makes me happy. If I'm depressed, I cut, feel the sting, and I can run around all happy, like eerythings normal. I just don't know what to do... |
 AngelWolf3, Lauru
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#2
Dec 20, 2012, 06:35 PM
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Hi Codel, welcome to PC. You have been grieving the loss of your cousins, of course you are going to be teary. Have you been talking about your grief with anyone in your family? You have also just had a huge change in your life, changing from being home schooled your whole life to being in a public school for only a few months now. These 2 issues are huge. Can you go to the school counselor to talk about these issues? I will support you here.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Dec 20, 2012, 10:37 PM
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Codel,
when you cut yourself or touch the injured site for the sting, what you are doing is causing your body to release endorphins. Those are the bodies natural pain killers and euphorium producers. Its the same chemical that is released when runners push past their limit, or wieght lifters push themselves to lift heavier bars or more repititions. The problem is, you can build a tolerance to those endorphins just as you would if you were using drugs. When the tolerance builds, you don't get the same "high" from little cuts, and start having to make more serious, deeper cuts. Don't kid yourself, that kind of behavior can escalate quickly with the result being either death by bleeding out or infection, and more commonly doing permanent damage to a limb. I started to harm myself in my early teens. At first, I'd just heat a nail with a large head until it was glowing red and "brand" my arm. I wanted to see how long I could endure the pain. That turned into cutting with a blade on my wrists and arm at the bend between the upper and lower arm. I accidently cut a nerve there and can't stand for the area to be touched because the nerve is damaged. I'm 49, that happened when I was a little older than you. There are scars all over me. Before I stopped cutting for good, about two years ago, my cutting almost killed me. I went on a four day spree of serious cutting. One day I just picked up blade, went into the bathroom and sat down on the closed toilet. I rolled my pant leg up to my knee and extended my lower leg. Then I held the blade above my head, lined up with my inner calf, turned my head and let my hand holding the blade, fall with its full weight. When I turned my head and looked, there was a four inch incision that went through skin, fat and muscle. I could see the end of a blood vessel pouring blood. I just sat and watched as the blood puddled first around my foot, then ran in a wide area across the floor and began running through the space at the bottom of the door. Had my friend not been in the house and seen the blood coming out from under the door, I would be dead now. I did that four times over four days. By the end of the spree, I was pale, nauseated and weak. I tell you that not to gross you out, but to show you what can happen when the behavior isn't dealt with and stopped. Besides the blood loss, I could have died from infection, blood clots or lost the limb. There are deep divets where I cut during those four days, and my lower legs have areas of numbness. Get help with your cutting right away before it escalates. It will be easier to stop it now than if you wait. Crying doesn't mean you are weak. You are in emotional pain and depressed. Unfortunately, friends to have a tendency to drift away when you are having problems. They don't know what to do, don't want to get involved and some may be scared. Those left standing with you are your real friends. The important thing is that you get help as soon as you can. You don't want your memories of this time in your life to be full of pain. Anything that bothers you to the extent that you are self distructive is serious. Let us know how you are doing. Sam2 |
 AngelWolf3, ickydog2006, Lauru
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#4
Dec 20, 2012, 10:48 PM
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Quote:
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#5
Dec 21, 2012, 04:46 AM
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Quote:
Sam2 |
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#6
Dec 21, 2012, 11:45 AM
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You can talk to the T about how your mom reacts and tell her how what she does makes it worse. The T can work with your mom. I'm really happy that you are going to a T.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| GirlOfManyFaces
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#7
Dec 21, 2012, 10:38 PM
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I'm glad sam spoke up. I have a very familiar story to theirs, except like you, I started with a safety pin. Eventually I started blacking out while cutting, and also caused permanent damage to my wrist when I nicked a tendon. I hope you can find the help you need.
__________________
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. |
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#8
Dec 22, 2012, 10:07 PM
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I know the dangers of cutting, and I know how bad it can get. But I amnowhere near suicidal. While I my hate my life sometimes, I love living. And I forgot to add to my first post,my bf broke up with me about a week ago, and we were together for a year, so thing were pretty serious.
And I'm scared of being along. Not because I'm worried about doing something to myself, I just don't like being alone  and whenever I am alone. I start to get depressed. I don't wan to be depressed I'm normally a fun, happy, upbeat girl, I wan to be like that again
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| Sannah
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#9
Dec 23, 2012, 05:09 PM
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Just to clarify, I've almost died from cutting, but that was never my intent. All times I actively attempted suicide were without a blade.
__________________
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. |
| GirlOfManyFaces
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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