[andrea2135]

I've been very depressed this week and have not gone to work or gotten out of bed practically the whole week so far. Yesterday I cut the letters FML onto me and today I have only been up for a few hours and cut myself three times already. I can't stop thinking about cutting. I don't know what is going on with me. I need some insight on how to snap out of this. I don't want to end up in a hospital because I'm afraid I will lose my job which I just got after a year and a half of searching for one.

[Sannah]

Did something happen to trigger all of this? Do you have a therapist?

[andrea2135]

Sannah, I don't know what really triggered I do hate my life a lot and the person I became. I look at myself as a failure. And, I guess each year around this time (my birthday) I do get depressed because I miss my mother a lot. I look back at this time last year and I was in the hospital for trying to commit suicide. Since I wrote this post yesterday I cut four more times and still have not gone to work. I've been in touch with my therapist and she has been in touch with my psychiatrist because they all walk a thin line with me because they are afraid of what I am going to do. Quite honestly, I do not even want to move from my couch. I did not even go to volleyball lastnight which I love to do. There's just so much going on in my head of why I don't like myself and why I'm depressed and then there's the fact that Ive been dealing with a problem with my foot so I'm constantly in pain and I go for shots everyweek because I don't want the surgery because it involves my achilles tendon and I really don't want someone messing with it so I just deal with the pain. I don't know I know that if I do lose my job because I've been home depressed it will make me even more depressed and feel even more like a failure. It's just so much. I just need to stop cutting.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by andrea2135

I do hate my life a lot and the person I became. I look at myself as a failure.

each year around this time (my birthday) I do get depressed because I miss my mother a lot.

There's just so much going on in my head of why I don't like myself ...

I'm constantly in pain

This is enough to drive your mood. What is your T saying? Are you working with your T on these ^ things?

[andrea2135]

Yes I talk to my therapist about it she tries to tell me I'm not a failure and to look at all the people that love and care for me, but it just goes in one ear and out the next. She will give specific reasons as to why I'm not a failure and I counter attack her as to why I feel I am. There's basically no winning with me when I'm like this it's so horrible. We spent a long time this morning texting then on the phone and she is trusting I do the right thing.

[shlump]

Hi Andrea,

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time of it now. I do understand. I have spent a lot of time telling myself that I'm not worth much and a bother.
Sometimes hearing about people that care doesn't do anything for me either, but I have learned to call on them when I need them. I try to be there for them, spometimes not so good at that.
If your therapist trusts you to do the right thing...do you trust your therapist?

Here's a bunch of s. I know it isn't much but sometimes it does help.

Hope you are feeling better soon and maybe can reach out to those you know care about you.

[ThisWayOut]

When I was like that last time, I wound up in the hospital. ... but I don't thibk I would have stopped otherwise... hope things ease up for you. If not, consider the hospital.

[Mara Mountain]

Hi Andrea, anytime you have an urge to hurt yourself or inflict pain, I would highly suggest logging into this site and posting/chatting with us. It will keep your hands occupied and you will find support you need. I struggle with addiction and the occasional depression slump but everytime I do I get the best feeling when I find those who I can relate to. Also maybe holding ice cubes in your hands until your hands feel numb sometimes helps too. It doesn't involve cutting and hurting yourself. Hope this helps.For now hugs

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by andrea2135

She will give specific reasons as to why I'm not a failure and I counter attack her as to why I feel I am.

I would suggest focusing with your therapist on why you feel this way instead of trying to attack this with logic. How are you doing today?