[depressedgirl]

It has been a few weeks since I last cut, but when I'm mad or very upset I'll either hit myself or pull my hair or scratch myself to feel pain. I can't cut because if my fiancee or family sees the cuts they'll flip out and I'm scared of losing my fiancee. But I need to, bad, and I don't know what to do I don't know how much longer I can hold out it's all building up inside of me and everytime I feel like doing it my arm throbs and hurts so bad and all I want to do is cry. I feel like a failure and like I don't belong anymore and like I'm a mistake. I'm sorry for all the ranting I just needed to vent.

[astenon]

Depressedgirl,
I must confess that my knowledge of what you are going through is very limited and I hope others can help more. What I will say is:

Firstly, you are not alone. You are not a failure. You are not a mistake.

Try to think positive. I don't know anything about your past or your traumas, but you say it's been a few weeks since you last cut. That is an achievement. Keep it up, minute by minute, hour by hour remind yourself that you're on a roll. That you don't need to cut yourself.

Again, I don't know anything about your history, but are there coping mechanisms you could use when feeling like this? When a friends daughter was young her parents split. The daughter started a habit of scratching herself or pulling her hair when she had been told off. The therapist suggested that she take that anger out on a cuddly toy or pillow.
Maybe you could find a field or open space where you can scream your lungs out when you feel this way? Maybe you could get yourself an old piece of furniture and go at it with a hammer? Anything you can find to transfer these feelings away from yourself and onto something that doesn't matter if it breaks.

I really hope that helps, even if it's just a little bit.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by depressedgirl

when I'm mad or very upset I'll either hit myself or pull my hair or scratch myself to feel pain.

How about talking about your feelings as a way to deal with them?

[wishIwouldchange]

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Maybe you could share and get all your feeling out, especially what is making you so angry.

Have you looked at the list of what to do instead and tried some of those things?

I read something today that encouraged me. I hope this encourages you!

Just for today, I remember I am cable, I am worthwhile, I am beautiful, I am lovable and I shall accept both my strengths and weaknesses for they are me. I will no longer believe the lie that if I make a mistake I am a mistake. My mistakes are the learning tools that I shall encounter on my life journey.

Keep hanging in there, but please feel free to be real and share those things so they don't build up inside.

[depressedgirl]

Thanks for all the words of advice. I don't really think there's anyone I can talk to about any of this because I know if I tell my fiancee how I feel he'll either get worried or be disappointed in me. My mom would just yell and tell me I'm being stupid. As of right now, today, I really don't know how I feel. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. A lot of things have made me feel like hurting myself again. I have been doing it since I was 12 and I am 19 now. I quit for like a year when I was in high school because the school had me under suicide watch because when I was changing into my marching band uniform a girl saw my arms and told the director who in turn told the counsellor. Then I started again for a reason I don't even remember right now but I quit again after I started dating the guy I am with now. I did it a few times again after my dad died this past september. Me and my dad were never really close, but I was the only one there for him from when my mom left when I was 12 until I moved out because of the woman he was dating and her family. They were very stressful people so I moved an hour away, and 4 months later he died. I have been blaming myself ever since because I feel like if I would have been there to take care of him and make sure he did what the doctors said, he would still be around. idk it probably all seems stupid, but thats how I feel... As of this exact moment right now though I kind of have very mixed emotions.

[astenon]

Depressedgirl,
You're in such a dark place at the moment, I urge you to talk to someone. If you bottle it up, it will only make the urges to harm yourself stronger. You say you'd prefer not to talk to your fiancee or your mum. I can understand that, but if you tell your fiancee, he may just surprise you. I was speaking to a lady on this site in another thread who said she had been abused in the past and her husband knew nothing about it. When she did tell him, he supported her all the way. Marriage is a partnership and you should be there for one another in good times and bad. Give him a chance to support you. It's better to do that than be forced to lie to him, or hide things from him for the rest of your life.

If you really can't talk to him, is there a work/college councillor you could go to? Maybe your doctor, or someone at a local church? I'm afraid I don't know how it works in the US, so I apologise if this is really bad advice.

Failing that, the people in these forums are amazingly supportive. Putting the things that make you feel like hurting yourself on 'paper' might help you figure out your emotions and help you deal with them.

Try not to blame yourself for what happened to your father. I know it's difficult, but you were not to blame. This blame you feel is entirely normal and anyone would feel it in similar circumstances.

Thinking of you and willing you to be strong,
Astenon

[depressedgirl]

Thanks. Well I felt the same with my fiancee when I was going through flashbacks from being taken advantage of by my ex. I told my fiancee how I was feeling and he was there for me as much as he could be, but of course he didn't really know how to help. It's a bit different with the cutting though because it makes him mad.

[adam_k]

People who have never coped by harming themselves can't comprehend the effect. For most people their brains tell them to avoid physical pain. For someone under extreme emotions distress you will do anything to not feel the inner turmoil. Self injury isn't a good way to cope. For me every time I did it I felt more guilt and shame and slowly started to hate myself. I found a person that I cared about enough to get me to stop. Therapy helped me as well.
I developed better coping strategies. First I found the things that triggered this behavior. For me it was anything that gave me a sense of rejection, loneliness or when people got angry with me. When I got these feelings I would beat myself up (mentally) over it. Then I would harm myself to stop feeling all the sadness and angry directed towards myself. I would then feel a lot of guilt and shame about what I did, which only added to the feeling of loneliness and angry I directed towards myself. Now when things happen, I objectively look at the events and make a better choices. When someone gets angry with me, it doesn't mean that I am useless and deserve to suffer. It just means they are angry and it's not my fault. I'm allowed to make mistakes and I don't have to be perfect for people to like me. I still feel the urges, but I learned to fight them and I accept hurting myself won't fix the cause of those feeling. I hope this help, I would recommend therapy if you can get some.

Also, I don't think your responsible for your dad's death. You didn't make him sick, and you weren't his nurse. It's natural to think we could have done more. I lost my father when I was 18. He had a heart attack while I was at my uncles house. I always though if I was home that night I could have saved him. There is no guarantee that if you would have stayed anything would be different. It's painful, but it isn't your fault. I hope this makes you feel better.

[astenon]

"It's a bit different with the cutting though because it makes him mad".
I'm only guessing, but I'm not sure it's how you think it is. Sorry, it's early morning here and I've got a stinking cold, so apologies if this doesn't come out right.

I have a very good friend who was in an abusive relationship. Despite the hurt she felt when he rejected her, and despite my pointing out the (obvious to me) damage he was causing, she kept going back to him and kept getting hurt even more. Each time she went back I felt frustration with her. This can easily be perceived as anger, but really isn't.

Frustration comes from wanting to understand, wanting to help, but not knowing enough about what the other person is feeling to be able to. You fiancée loves you, wants to protect you, care for you. If someone/something else was harming you, he would know what to do, he would know how to change things to protect you from them. In this case, you're doing these things to yourself and he doesn't know how to protect you from yourself and that frustrates him.

Could you call a councillor/therapist or something and ask your fiancée to come with you? He obviously knows because it makes him 'mad', so tell him that part of you wants to do it again, but most of you wants to stop it for him. Tell him that you love him and you'd like his help and understanding and you want to banish these feelings with his help. A professional in this area may be able to explain to your fiancée what's going on and give him the tools and understanding to support you without getting frustrated/mad.

[depressedgirl]

I can try to talk to him about it, but see the thing is he used to do that when he was a lot younger, but he stopped and now he thinks its stupid to do it. so idk.

[astenon]

Ahhh! That puts a whole new spin on it and explains why he gets upset with you. Obviously I don't you or your fiancee and don't know how he'll react but still think he should be there for you, perhaps moreso now I know he's also been through it. Maybe write him a letter telling him how you're feeling and ask for his help, love ad support? Then leave it somewhere so he can read it whilst you're out so he'll be undisturbed?

I don't know. Maybe this is rubbish advice and i'm an old romantic!

Whatever you decide to do, good luck. If you wanna talk these forums are here for you

[depressedgirl]

I know. it's just whenever i cry he gets really mad no matter the reason. and im the type of person that cries when i get upset, so it's hard. I know it probably seems like I'm making excuses but I'm really not I just don't know how I can talk to him baout it without it causing a fight

[wishIwouldchange]

Originally Posted by depressedgirl

I know. it's just whenever i cry he gets really mad no matter the reason. and im the type of person that cries when i get upset, so it's hard. I know it probably seems like I'm making excuses but I'm really not I just don't know how I can talk to him baout it without it causing a fight

I know this sounds harsh, but if he is the man meant to be in your life for the duration, he is going to have to understand and except you flaws and weakness. He needs to do that without getting mad or it causing a fight. No one comes perfect.

If you get a chance to start a conversation with him about your struggles, you can start off by saying something like, "I love/like so many things about you, and I really appreciate you in my life. I need you not to get upset and allow me to openly share my struggle with you. I need the support I can get from you. And so on..."

I hope you have a chance to be open with him and not be in a relationship where you have to hide things from him so as not to start a fight or make him mad.

Love & Blessings to you!

[depressedgirl]

Thanks... There is a lot I want to say right now but I am scared to.

[smmath]

i know it's hard and scary, but from experince, it feels sooooo much better to get what you need/want to say out. Maybe make a list of things you want to bring up will help so won't have to memorize anything. plus, he loves you and i'm sure once he knows you want to talk he'll be there for you and willing to listen to what you have to say.

You CAN do this!!!!

-- Sam

[astenon]

I agree with Sam. Write down what you need to say. It'll help collect your thoughts and help say what you need to say. You may also find it helps you get things straighter in your own head. The example above is a good start. Write that and take it from there