Discussion: Trigger Emotions

Hey everyone,

I've been reading through this forum trying to get a feel for other people's experiences with self-injury. I have to say, it's been really great to see how wonderfully supportive the community here is! It's a relief not to feel like I'm the only person in my little world who deals with this problem. I knew there were other people out there, but it's nice to finally be talking with some of you. You're all great

Just within this forum, it seems like there is a wide variety of emotions we respond to when we feel the need to hurt ourselves. In general, what is the type of feeling that sets you off the most? I posted this poll just to get a better idea about where we're all coming from with this. Do you think there are ways we can prepare ahead of time for situations where we would expect to encounter these emotions?

That is a good question. Personally, I find that there is very little warning before I would actually self harm. (I haven't done it for 2 years now). I would feel an intense feeling of being trapped in a situation, unable to get out and just suddenly blow. When I did let go, the attacks on myself would be extremely violent, viscous and cause a great deal of damage. It used to scare me because I thought that if I was capable of doing that to myself, was I capable of doing it to someone else. Now I know that isn't the case, but the extreme violence scares me. During the past few weeks, I've had four or five close calls and one time I thought I was going to comitt suicide.

In retrospect, I can now see that there was a pattern when I was doing the worst damage. About two weeks prior to an incident, I'd start noticing sharp objects. There weren't any real thoughts associated with it, just a double take on a knife or razor. That would advance to brief thoughts about what the object in question could do if I used it. Those thoughts were usually within a couple days of an incident. When the attack came, there was virtually no time between the thought and the actual attack.

Shortly before the last set of attacks, when I got to the point of thinking about what an object was capable of, I would give the object to my good friend. There was an unspoken agreement that we would pretty much stay together 24-7, but in the end, it would happen anyway. She might be gone for a few minutes, and I'd grab a knife, go into the bathroom and boom, carnage.

It ended two years ago after a four day spree. I made one horribly deep cut each day for four days. The last one almost killed me. As usual, I shut myself in the bathroom and very deeply lacerated my leg down into muscle and a relatively large vessel. I just sat there stupidly watching the blood pool, then form a river and start flowing under the space under the bathroom door. Had my friend not seen the blood spilling into the hallway, i would have bled to death and never lifted a finger to stop it even though suicide was not the intention. I was sick for a while after that. Very pale, weak and depressed. I made my friend a promise that I would never again do that. I saw how terrified she was although she handled it very well. The thought of betraying the trust of that promise has been enough to stop me from self harming again. I have deep scars on both lower legs with areas of numbness and other areas that feel like I'm getting a shock when my pants hit the spot. I was lucky that I didn't wind up with a blood clot or loss of the limb. As it was, my legs were swollen as they formed new vessels to help return the blood from my lower legs back up to my heart. It could have ended very differently.

Sam2

Almost all of the above except being numb... I guess the predominant emotion would be anxiety, especially when triggered by flashbacks or body memories.

When I'm feeling anxious, it's like there's too much energy and I don't know what to do with it, but it's GOT to go somewhere. I've tried to sit still and just focus on something else, but then I'll start bouncing my legs or shaking or something. It's like there's way too much pressure and I just want to feel safe and not deal with anything. Cutting seems like the only way to bring about that feeling, but I honestly don't want to settle for that. I've found the posts on this forum for ideas to avoid self-injuring quite helpful. It helps me sometimes to call someone else and just talking to them for a while even if I don't want to tell them what's going on. Just hearing the voice of someone who's not judging me makes me feel more like a person with a bit of dignity and more value.

All of the above, plus shame. Which then creates more shame. Vicious circle. Sometimes, I'm numb and i need to feel something. Other times, I am angry and take it out on myself because anger is scary for me.

Sam2, I think it's amazing that you haven't self-harmed for 2 years now, especially since you said you had very little warning before you would hurt yourself. I'd love to know how you figured out how to go without it for that long. I'm coming up on 6 months since I last hurt myself and would be thankful for all the help I can get. I'm grateful you're still with us

MdngtRain, I've only ever had 1 flashback and it happened during a therapy session. It was incredibly hard to think because I felt like I couldn't even move/speak. My T said had me try some grounding techniques, but they seemed kind've weird to me. Do you use those or something else?

Nicoleb2--about the shame cycle, I hear you. When I first started self-injuring about 6 years ago, cutting was the only way I felt like I could do away with my feelings of inadequacy. It seemed like everyone else was managing with whatever their problems were; why couldn't I? Then, I'd feel badly about doing it, so I'd do it again to get rid of those feelings. I'd get angry about doing that to myself, so I'd let that out by cutting too. I cried and cried until I felt absolutely numb and just sat around staring at things. Then I'd do it again just to feel something because it was creepy not to feel. I still sometimes catch myself thinking in those cycles because it's such a habit! Have you figured out what your cycle is? Is it even the same everytime or is it different depending on what happened that day?

Depression for me.

Is drinking ammonia or bleach consider self harm or suicide attempt? The last time I "Self harm" myself was NYE... I've drank Ammonia probably like almost a 1/2 cup..

It's certainly not good for you, and since my assumption is that you are doing it to hurt yourself, yes, that would be self harm. Whether its a suicide attempt or not, I don't know. I don't know how deadly ammonia is, or what you were thinking at the time.
If you were thinking I'm going to drink this so I can die, then it would definitely be a suicide attempt.

I don't have a real set cycle. I don't cope well with strong emotions, so a lot of things are triggering. Many times I am able to recognize it, and a lot of the time now I am able to call or text my t for coaching.
Sometimes though, I just feel so bad or so numb that I don't care, or it's too late to call my t and I don't call crisis lines (I have once or twice and they really did NOT help)

I noticed that more people are voting for anxiety and depression as their main trigger emotions, so I did some research and found some articles that might be able to give us some helpful ideas. Feel free to post more resources if you find them!

How to Use Emotion Regulation Coping Skills
http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/diale...-coping-skills

Dealing with Urges
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwell...alingwithurges

Breaking Isolation
http://www.studentsagainstdepression...ing-isolation/

Surviving Suicidal Thoughts
http://www.studentsagainstdepression...idal-thoughts/

Do you havre a counselor? That is really dangerous to drink (which I assume you know) and you really need to get help. Im so sorry for all your pain... and yes it def counts

Thank you for posting this poll. It helped a lot when my T asked about it today.

I'm glad the poll was useful for you, Rain

Even though I feel for everyone dealing with anxiety / self harm issues, in a way, I feel kinda relieved that I'm not the only one struggling with it. I was hoping the poll would give us all a better idea of how many other people are dealing with the same specific problems we face individually.

Those of you voting "other", can you talk about why you chose that if you're feeling comfortable? I think that the more we understand about each other's experiences, the better we'll be able to support and encourage each other on this forum.

I voted "other" because I usually feel an onslaught of many different emotions...sometimes anger, sometimes shame and guilt, and then the more I try not to self-harm, the more anxious I get, and then I irrationally feel like the only way to relieve that is to self-harm...of course at the TIME it doesn't feel irrational, just looking back objectively at this particular moment I can call it that. I totally understand the vicious cycle thing nicoleb2 posted about...

No.. I'm currently looking for a therapist. So far I'm not having so much luck.

its usually because of hopelessness or punishment

I voted "anger," but now I'm not so sure. Unfortunately, I cut just over a week ago, and I'm trying to recall what was happening. I'm having trouble remembering - I think I block things out a lot. And I guess I'm not being very self-aware, all I know is I'm just flooded and I have to get relief NOW.

I always feel the urge whenever I'm stressed out with work, so I chose "anxiety". Whenever I feel like I'm being unproductive with work I feel guilty and frustrated with myself, and that's triggering. I've been doing pretty well for the past 5ish months, but in the past week, things have been taking a turn for the worse... my blade is under my pillow right now and I have urges that I haven't had in a long time. My SI isn't really that impulsive, I plan it a little before it happens but once I've made up my mind to do it there's no turning back. I made a new year's resolution to not hurt myself in 2013, and so far I've been able to keep that promise. I hope I can continue keeping it.

Hugs to everyone.

- AJ

Looking back at the experience later when you're more level-headed is actually a really good idea It makes sense that it would be easier to think more clearly when not feeling suffocated by all those intense emotions. I need to do that better.

5 months is fantastic! When you feel anxious, I would encourage you to post about it on PC. We'll all be here to support that New Year's resolution

Anger has always been my #1. I'm not sure why, but it seems to make the desire even worse than depression. Well, a lot of my sadness ends up turning into anger, so that may also have something to do with it.

I put depression because that is my main trigger emotion but anger and guilt and shame are trigger emotions too. Another trigger for me is not about any specific emotion but if I say something I thought was wrong, stupid, revealed too much personally, or anything I shouldn't have voiced out loud those can be triggers too.

Depression is what used to cause me to self-harm. But since it seems I'm always depressed now, it's about hopelessness.

If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me...