[smmath]

whenever i see someone post to another to "be safe" when cutting, it kills me. i am on the same page on wanting other to not cut too deep or worse, but i don't want that for myself. i si TOO shallow and weakly as it is, so thinking about someone telling me to be safe makes me feel like ****. it's as if they are saying "haha look what you can't do. you are sooo weak and don't deserve help. you are less of a person than those who can cut deep". these thoughts are killing me. it's so stupid that i can't hurt myself right/bad enough. i think that if i could make a deep cut, then my self-esteem would be much better. i hate the idea that people would think that i am weak.

things could be sooo much worse for me and i wish they were. then maybe I'd feel like i deserve to be helped and to reach out to people. i also feel like if i told someone then since i am not a danger to myself, then they would think i am just being sensitive, over reacting, and complaining. so until i know those thoughts are not an option, i will wait until i grow a spine and cut deep. besides i haven't been through intense and super traumatic events...

thank y'all for reading and letting me vent

--Sam

[braced-forthe-worst]

Hello there.

I have had similar feelings... I have often felt that my self harm is not "serious" enough to seek help. I felt like if I told anyone I self harmed and showed them my scars, they would laugh at me or make me feel even more pathetic for not hurting myself badly enough.

I have finally come to the realization that this is wrong. It's okay that we feel frustrated by these things, but I think that I cannot let the way that someone else harms their body decide how I harm my own. Situations are really not comparable. Everything is relative and personal when it comes to self harm...it is pointless to compare, I think.

I hope you don't feel pressured or forced to cut deeper than what you typically do. <3 hang tough

[Sam2]

Just because you aren't cutting deeply, doesn't mean that you are not in as much pain as the ones who do cut deeply. Its not a contest. I've done both shallow and through muscle, and the pain wasnt'any different from one to the other. The only thing that was difference was the degree of violence that went along with the deep cuts.

There is a phenomenon that occurs with women who have been raped. Women who have been raped but not badly beaten, slashed or almost killed, often feel guilty that their wounds were not serious. Almost as if the lack of serious injuries inflicted during the rape somehow invalidate how they feel. Some think that they have no right to complain or be so upset, or that they should have fought harder. Does that make their trauma any less? I'm not a woman, but i can't believe that it would lessen the after effects of a rape. They were still violated against their will, made to feel like garbage, had their trust ripped from them and made them feel like they will never be safe again.

The same goes for SI. The fact that you had to resort to SI is a reflection of how badly you are hurting inside. It doesn't matter if you just made scratches or cut your hand off. It all comes from the same place and reflects the same thing.

The first time I attempted suicide, I took a handful of a perscription asthma medication. It came very close to killing me, yet when a psychiatrist came in the room just before I was ready to go home, he said that I must not have been serious because I didn't take the whole bottle. So thirty years later, my heart still has problems, but it wasn't serious? Those are just words. You know what you feel and the pain that makes you reach for a razor or a knife.
I wish you didn't feel like you had to hurt yourself at all. When people say "at least you didn't really hurt yourself too badly", I think they are trying to cheer you up by saying that physically you haven't maimed yourself. Sometimes we don't think before we speak.

Sam2

[ThisWayOut]

I don't know how this will come off, as I am high on all sorts of meds for the flu & bronchitis... so please bear with me if I make no sense, just smile & nod...

first, I can relate. a lot of the time, I don't feel "bad" enough to seek help. I feel like my problems are not "real" enough... it takes a lot of self-talk to convince myself that, while I don't necessarily "compare" on the severity scale in my eyes, my own problems are as devastating (if not more so) as the problems of others. This took me a long time to learn, and longer to implement, but I'm getting there.

When I write "stay safe" in response to a blog, I do it because I know asking the person not to self injure in hypocritical and often not helpful. I know when I was told not to hurt myself in the past, I always took it as the person's misunderstanding of my pain; like just someone telling me not to cut would wipe away the urges and the hurt... so I try not to say that unless it seems that the person is in a place where they can accept it and run with it...

I never say "stay safe" as a challenge or a back-handed put-down. Everyone hurts differently... it means I hope you keep reaching out and doing what you need to in order to minimize the physical and emotional damage...

all that said, I'll try to remember not to put that on your posts... ((hugs))

[Crashed Again]

I am a 59 year old man and I have just started si for some reason. I have suffered with depression since my late teen. I have made attempts at the big one over the years. Your built in will to live is very strong. after I would fail to go through with it I would then be worst off because I now thought I was weak. After all those years I finally got committed 4 years go and have been on meds ever since. Be thankful you are only shallow cuts less scarring But I don't know why I am si now after all these years. my last one is healing, but now I am going to have a stupid cliche' on my body, all in nasty scar, and I don't even have any tattoos. I am so ashamed of my self for doing this. I am hoping it can be fixed some what after it heals. Garry J

[adam_k]

Just because your injuries don't look serious doesn't mean you don't need help. At a certain point people cut so deep it become life threatning. I would seek help if you can. Maybe tell your parent you are depressed and want to talk to a psychologist. Self harm shows a lack of other skills to cope with the events or emottions going on in your life. I hope things get better for you.

[smmath]

my parents are clueless, and its going to stay that way until i slip and cut my arms or make a conscious decision to do so in order to spark my parents getting me into therapy like i did in 7th grade when i attempted to OD. i am also really pissed at my parents. they could have prevented me from getting to such a desperate place. i knew something was wrong in 6th grade, so i tried to persuade my mom to sign me up for the school's wellness center. she refused, so that eventually led to me not wanting to live anymore.

last summer at my last session with the school therapist, she gave me a list of some therapists outside of school, since i didn't want to miss class in hs. it was sooo hard for me to give the list to my mom, but she didn't do a damn thing with it. now i si and the only one who i have told is my former teacher.

sorry for the rant, but once i si on my arms, i know it is time for help. part of me wants to tell my parents i cut, but if they knew, i would have no freedom and they would take away the razors. i can't handle that.

thank y'all for all the support and advice, it feels good to know i am not alone and a freak...

--Sam

[jenluv]

smmath, I can definitely connect with all that you have said.

I have realized that, for myself (not saying this is true for you), that si is not going to get me any more help than I already have. So I've made si work for ME and not for "proving" my pain to others. I will admit I would love someone to see me, all of me, and whisk me off to a safe and loving place where I could be psychologically repaired. Boy would I love that. But for now I've found that the si is for myself only. Sort of a way to say to myself, "that's more like it." And it's not severe si at all.

[grey_aj]

I feel the same way too. I never want to tell anyone that I've SIed before because it has been very infrequent (just a few days in a row every few months or so when things got stressful). When I just found out a week ago that a friend of mine had SIed before as well, I told her about this and she made me realize that if someone hurts themselves they hurt themselves. It's all or nothing. It doesn't really matter how severe it is... as long as someone feels like they need to resort to SI, it's something worth getting help for.

- AJ

[grey_aj]

I feel the same way too. I never want to tell anyone that I've SIed before because it has been very infrequent (just a few days in a row every few months or so when things got stressful). When I just found out a week ago that a friend of mine had SIed before as well, I told her about this and she made me realize that if someone hurts themselves they hurt themselves. It's all or nothing. It doesn't really matter how severe it is... as long as someone feels like they need to resort to SI, it's something worth getting help for.

- AJ

[GirlOfManyFaces]

Sam,

Like I always say. Cutting deep doesn't make you strong, if anything it's making you weaker. Cutting deep is just showing that you are letting people get to you. Don't let that happen. We shouldn't say "be safe" we should be saying STAY STRONG. You are so strong and I know you can do it. You are an amazing girl!

Try rewarding yourself every time you resist the urge. Even if its a small urge. You deserve a reward.
You are beautiful and talented and I am so proud to be your friend! I'm proud that I know such a strong young woman.

Sincerely,
Your friend,
Syd