struggling with so much

... yeah... just that. can't do anything till after my wife's birthday this weekend... I don't want to ruin it for her in any way (either by spilling the extent of the depression and si urges, or by seeking some more intensive help...) I just need to hold out until Monday... It's just hard...

You can hold on till then. Take one day at a time, and it'll be past it before you know it. (((MdngtRain)))

Let us know how you're doing today? I agree, you should just take one day at a time.

thanks... still struggling... taking it a moment at a time, forget day. I have a chance to call my old T later today and will be able to talk about things with her that I can't talk about as comfortably with my new (male) T... I'm hoping that will help... Still just have to make it through the weekend... the urges are crazy... I don't know how to keep from giving in. I could have seen my current T today, but... I don't know. I chose not to bother him with everything. I'm afraid I would spill something that would wind me up in the hospital... just have to make it through to monday... safety plan is still in place... if it wasn't her birthday tomorrow, I would have checked myself in somewhere yesterday when I got rid of one more barrier to picking up si again... but I can't leave her alone with my mom on her birthday... that's the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment. If it's all still this bad on Monday, I will ask my T to help me get in somewhere, even w/o insurance... maybe someone there can help me get state...

I don't care that some don't call it an addiction... but it sure as hell is... even a tiny taste and it's all downhill from there Think I'm going to ask my T for some help getting into a day program or something...

we were supposed to go out with a friend tonight, but she misunderstood my invite to my wife's party and took it as us cancelling tonight... so now we are home. I was looking forward to the night out to keep me occupied with something else... now I get to sit home and feel totally lost in all this again... this sucks...

It might start out differently, but it can and usually does end up addictive, both biologically and psychologically.

sorry... this all just sucks. I'll shut up now... sorry for wasting everyone's time... staying safe through appointment with T on Monday... or at least trying to...

You haven't wasted anyone's time.

I had called a hotline last night, and was given the impression that I was wasting their time... I feel like I am wasting everyone's time... my own included... we went out for my wife's birthday and it helped distract me while we were out... but as soon as we wound down dinner, it came crashing back. The self-harm urges are so intense... just 40 more hours and I see my therapist... hopefully he can help me out of this, or into someplace I can get more help. The addiction is intense, and I want to feed it... :/

I'm familiar with the addiction. Not wasting anyones time at all. you might though feel that way being that you're currently so down on yourself. How are you doing now? Sending positive wishes your way.

Just here. Struggling still. Warring with the side that wants to keep me safe and the side that wants to find a quiet place to fade away. Holding on till tomorrow... wasting all sorts of time...

Please just continue holding on till tomorrow. ((((hugs))))

i tried to nap, and it was filled with graphic dreams... now the urges are worse than ever. My wife knows I'm struggling, but it's stressful to both of us. I just need it to be 1pm Monday... it's not coming fast enough...

I emailed my T with more specifics than I had intended... I was going to switch the address after I wrote too much info in it, but my mouse jumped and it sent it... so there's no doubt now I will be going someplace tomorrow... I talked to my wife a bit too, and told her that I had asked my T to help me get in somewhere... it relieved some of the weight, but the insane urges are still there. I still want to destroy myself... just have to make it through tomorrow at 1... thanks for the support...
I'm a bit nervous, as the place I am hoping to go to will cost quite a bit without insurance... I don't know if I will be able to go in... and I'm anxious that they may make me go via the ED... I don't really want to do that... I would probably end up in a state facility... they really suck here. I'm hoping they have some sort of free bed fund I can apply for until I get state, or in case I don't get it... and I'm scared about the med situation... it has been easier to resist the urges somewhat since I have not been on meds in a few years... I hope they don't force me to take anything... my anxiety is going up again, and the urges are coming really strong again... hoping I can hold out... she made me promise not to do anything...

So that was an epic fail. The place i had hoped to get into was way too expensive, so my t called another place. I went there all ready to be admitted, but after 4 hours of taking to them, they figured out i was not appropriate for their services. Now I'm home. I'm hoping i can get some sleep and manage to stay safe. It's been a struggle... t doesn't get in till late afternoon tomorrow... that gives me some time to figure out whether or not i may have insurance i did not know about. That would make life so much easier... Just have to make it through to the afternoon again. I may call one of the other t's in the office and talk to her if things get really bad before he gets in...

((((hugs))) I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts and wishes your way. Hope you get to go where you prefer. Hugs.

update: Tuesday morning was really rough and I ended up calling my T's supervisor, who suggested a local er... went there and was admitted Tuesday evening. Just got out this afternoon. It was pretty poor experience, though it kept me safe and I got another number for specialized therapy... the combo of meds they put me on the first night gave me a mild stroke the following day, and possibly a mild heart attack, though they chose to not follow-up on it because I did not have insurance... and the dr would have followed up today, but it would have meant me staying over the weekend for a cardiology consult ans a neurology consult, so I opted out... I was ready to be out of there, half the staff were on a power trip, and most brushed off my initial complaints until I was severely tachycardic this morning... It kept me safe and interrupted the spiral, so it accomplished what I had hoped. I will not be continuing the meds they gave me... as I said, meds don't work for me... I just wish I did not fall through the cracks in the system and was able to get the help I know I need... some day it will happen... I will keep advocating for myself, and keep asking for help until I finally get what I need.

(((( mdngtrain)))).