[Grey Matter]

I came home today with my mom crying and telling me she knows what I've "been doing to myself". I was horrifically confused; not knowing at all what she could mean. She told me she knew about my cutting. Which, I had no idea how. If anything I didn't look apologetic. I just looked surprised and confused. I asked my mom to be honest and tell me who told her (only three, of my three friends, knew of this) and she said "I can't tell you. But they emailed me.".

I am SO ANGRY. I was seeing stars and just wanted to call each of them up and make one of them confess. I am so angry because I WAS GOING TO TELL HER. I had it planned it. I found a day we'd be alone. And I was going to explain the situation. But no, my friends, for the first time in my whole damn life, had to care and emailed my mother making this all seem that it was worse than it is. It has been two weeks since I've SI'd. That is why I wanted to tell her. I wanted to get to three weeks so she can see I'm trying.

I am turning 23 in two days. And I feel like a god damn teenager. She doesn't want me going any where alone. She doesn't want me being around people who are drinking at night. She wants me to get rid of what I've been using.

I want to find who told her and just scream and scream and scream at them.

I'm so sorry you were 'outted' in that manner...and using an email was cowardly not caring or brave, in my opinion. I know you must be terribly upset and probably feel betrayed as well. Is there a way to still have 'the talk' with your mother as you'd planned, on the day you'd planned? Given time to gather your thoughts again and her time to emerge from the feeling of shock she no doubt experianced, both at the revelation and how it was delivered? ((((hugs))))

[nicoleflynn]

Perhaps you might be able to look at it another way? That your friends were trying to help.

[x_BabyG_x]

It seems like a point of perspective here, the friend who told her clearly doesnt know what it is like to go through the self injury struggle, but you have to try and see that they probably did it to help you out and because they were scared of you going too far maybe?

I can totally see why you are feeling betrayed though!

As for your mum, why dont you write her a letter and explain what is going on properly with the SI, put it in a way that she might understand a bit better?

[tealBumblebee]

I understand how you feel, have been through similar. I'm sorry I don't have any positive outlooks to offer you because I've been fine never talking to the people who "outted" me again. But I will offer you a hug and some empathy for the situation that you have been placed in...i'm sorry TeenIdle...I hope things turn out for the best in this situation for you...

[Grey Matter]

Thank you all. I am just so lost and angry and upset right now.

A bit of history on my "friends"; they use me as their free shrink. And when I need them, they shrug me off and act like "whatever you solved my problem why do I need to solve yours". This doesn't feel like concern to me. This feels like a way that one of them wanted to get rid of me, because they know my mom is now fiercely over protective after my brother died, and that would put restrictions on me. If they cared so much they would have been brave and done it face to face rather through an anonymous email. That's just pathetic.

I am so angry and so tired. I have been working so hard to stop and show my mom I am okay and they just ruined it all. I am a 22 year old that is going to be living like a teenager that's been grounded for failing a test. If they thought this was going to help me, they were idiots. If they thought this was going to make things easier, they are idiots. I don't even have friends anymore. Screw them, really.

Now I feel alone, I feel urges, I feel terrified. I am so angry I just keep sobbing. I am so done with people. I was made to be alone.

Maybe you can now have an open dialogue with your mother about the pain your are in. Perhaps instead of trying to show your mom you are okay, which is obviously not true, she will be able to see the reality that you too are in pain. Could be a wake up call to your mom, and really, while I know she is really hurting too, she needs to know what is going on with her living children too. As painful as this is, now may be the time to really be able to communicate to your mom what is going on with you. I'm sure finding this out is scary for her and the way to manage this is to really talk to her about this instead of trying to be the strong one for her all the time.

[Grey Matter]

I was doing okay, though. That is why I am so upset. I have been fighting urges and I have been doing better than I have been in a very long time. Now I feel like I am on the edge all over again. I am just so frustrated.

But you're right. I can use this to open a dialogue with her. It's just extremely intimidating. No one ever knew and now it's just out there. I am a private person, and this is a private disease. I am just scared.

My son had a bad episode back in January that ended up with him having a seizure and being hospitalized because he was self-medicating. We knew he was having problems, but until that incident, we didn't really know what was going on with him because he really wasn't communicating to us what was going on.

In the oddest way, that horrific episode was a positive event in our lives. It forced ALL of us to really open up to each other and get completely honest and real about what was going on. Things have much improved for all of us since then. Not perfect, but much improved.

Perhaps this is your "incident" that can start those important conversations. They'll be difficult and sometimes painful, but perhaps ultimately there might be some real healing too.

A similar thing happened to me, I remember feeling so betrayed. Now I have very few "real life" friends. And yep, it made things worse for a while, but in the long run it all worked out okay. It sucks right now, but as time goes on things will get better.