[utterlyconfused]

Okay, so I have been free from SI for about a year and a half, but I've recently relapsed. I've tried to break into razors earlier this year, but I was left with deep cuts in my fingers instead. I'm going to go ahead and let yall know that I am a christian and I'm very involved in my church. Im actually dating our children's pastor's son. We've been together for about a year now and he knows about my history of SI. He knows that ive been tempted very badly over these past 3 months and he also knows that I went out and bought some straight edges. Ive cut myself on my thigh and on my arm. Today he saw a few test cuts from where I was trying to get the guts to push down hard enough to get a decent amount of blood going. He looked at me and asked if I had hurt myself.. I insisted it was the dog and I don't think he bought it, but he gave up and said "I trust you." It kills me to lie to him. I feel so bad and I feel like a huge hypocrite. I cant even look at his dad in the eyes anymore so im sure he knows something is up. Im scared that if I tell my boyfriend, he will behave the same way my ex did (which was lying to me and saying that he cut/burned himself) and im terrified that if his parents find out, they'll think im no longer good enough for their son and then take him away from me (that has always been a huge fear of mine because thats what my exes parents have always done). Im also scared that the church will find out... and a lot of people know me and I also work at a christian daycare so im not sure if my relapse could cost me my job or not. To sum it all up I have a lot on the line if I get caught, but im just so tired of being the strong one. I want to be broken. I want to be able to release mt stress. Ive tried drawing, playing my piano, journaling, running, you name it ive tried it. None of the distractions work. I dont feel like I can pray anymore because I feel like God doesn't want to hear from someone who isnt ready to finally deal with her addiction. I just dont know what to do. No one one knows. My mentor that got me through it recently had a baby so shes too busy, and one of my teachers moved across the country while the other was fired for stupid decisions so I feel like I have no one to talk to. All I have left is my my boyfriend's parents. I will talk to my boyfriend about it, but I need an adult to help me through this.. its just a matter of speaking up and saying I'm not okay, but I'm way too scared to say that

[mazing]

I am so sorry that you are struggling like this. I can't imagine how difficult it is to feel like there is no-one you can talk to.

If you can I really would suggest you start with your boyfriend. It seems that he really is concerned and interested in your well-being. If he knows about your history he may also be more prepared in managing the disclosure now. From there you can talk to him about the best way to speak to his family if it is something you wish to do. He would know them and how to approach it.

Also, as a Christian I wanted to let you know that God would want to hear from you. God loves you and is there to support you - especially in hard times. It is very easy to distance yourself from your church and those around you when struggling but they are there as a support

I know there is a lot on the line and can understand why you are anxious about reaching out for help but you deserve to get the support and help. You don't need to always be the strong one.

Thinking of you

[gayleggg]

Mazing had some good advice. I'm not sure I can really add anything other than to urge you to reach out to someone. Is there anyway your parents could get you set up with a therapist? I could not have quit cutting if it had not been for my wonderful counselor at the time. Be kind to yourself and take care. It would also be best if you got rid of your razors, etc. Make it harder to do and try to start over with not SIing. Good luck to you.

[utterlyconfused]

Thanks guys... its nice to know that I at least have this community to reach out to.
Mazing, I think that telling my boyfriend right now probably wouldnt be the best idea just for the fact that his birthday is coming up this friday and I dont want him to be upset or anything. I want him to enjoy his birthday. So maybe in a few weeks the time would be right...
Gayleggg, when I told my parents they didnt seem like they cared. They never said anything and just kind of ignored that part of my life. When my ex boyfriend's mom found out about it (not by my choice and this was before my parents found out) she called the guidance counselor at my school. When I went to talk to the counselor she said that she wouldnt tell my parents as long as I had stopped and she gave me some scar cream. My mom and I went to a family counselor for other issues regarding my family as a whole and the therapist didnt seem like she cared so im not going to go back to that place.
Im just going to have to figure out who to open up to and how to do it before its forced out of me. My main thing is that I don't want to be someones burden

[Victoria'smom]

Keep trying to reach out there are people that care. A lot of people care but don't know how to handle it, especially parents. Unless you've been there it's really hard to understand.

[utterlyconfused]

Miguelsmom, thats true... I'm just scared to make that bridge because I do have a lot on the line with everything. Im not even sure if im ready to get rid of my addiction to SI... its like a comfort blanket I know I'll have. I'm not just confused about the whole situation. If im sounding like I'm seeking attention, I'm sorry, im not trying to.. but I just needed advice on how to go about the situation when I'm ready

[mazing]

You definitely don't sound like you're seeking attention. A lot of us have been there and it can be very confusing to work out and overcome. You're right that it can be like a comfort blanket - it is an addictive way to manage stress and anxiety. And overcoming it will need to be in your own time. I know from experience - it doesn't matter how many times people tell you something you still need to make that final decision yourself about what you are going to do. And if you're not ready, that's ok.

I really agree though - keep trying to reach out when you can. It is hard and unfortunately not everyone is as supportive as they should be but when you find the people who can really support you it does make it worthwhile and makes overcoming it and moving forward a lot easier.

[Victoria'smom]

Just because you reach out and get help does not mean you have to get help for SI.

[utterlyconfused]

A lot of things have happened. My boyfriend found out that I was cutting, and we talked about it. The same night his dad walked by and wanted to talk to me. We spent two hours talking about it and he helped me define how I was going to live. I left feeling better and llike god could actually hear me. The next day I went to my mentor's house and I gave her both of my razors. She told me I didnt have to and she wouldnt judge me if I did, but I had to chose when I was going to get rid of this. Was I going to have my endless nights of longing for my razor now or later? I managed to get through the night. The next day, however, my boyfriend and I decided that it would be best for us to not be in a relationship right now. It sounds pathetic, but I freaked out. My heart was in shock. I didnt know what to do or what to say so when I left his house, I went straight to the store and got some more razors and I released all of the anger I was feeling on my arm. So now im back in square one, but its worse. He wants to still be there for me, but Im too pissed off at him to let him in. All he wants to do is talk about how I can get better. I just want to keep this addiction to myself. If I would've had it my way, he never would have found out. I jever wear shoes, and now that I am he thinks ive cut my feet up. The whole situation just pisses me off and I dont want to deal with this until I'm ready. He just doesnt get that.