[ThisWayOut]

My T sparked a thought about this a few sessions ago, and reading it on here has me wondering: am I the only one who si's because it feels "right" and not as a form of punishment? My T seemed taken aback when I told her it was never really something that felt "deserved" so much as just what simply "must be"... In my head, there's no real judgement towards it. It just is what it is. It's what's "supposed" to be. Things don't feel right if I avoid si when I really need it. It's a release. It's an actuality, but never a punishment. Am I in the minority with that? Where does that stem from? I can't remember a time when I was hurt like that just because that is what was supposed to be... but there were other times that simply felt like the crap that happened in life just happened because they were supposed to... I don't know if that's making much sense. Sorry if I'm unclear. I have yet to be able to describe it well to my T also, so I don't think I communicated that correctly... kinda like a kid who gets beaten every day just because - they grow up expecting that to always happen because it has always happened... no real judgement, just acceptance. That's what si has been like for me. The judgement has always come from the outside.
anyone else feel that way?

[tealBumblebee]

I'm not exactly sure that I completely understand where your coming from but I imagine that although its on a different level...its along the same lines. Accepting that you must be hurt in order to sustain, exist, continue is in my opinion, a lot like a deserving to be punished. It reminds me (a bit off topic) of a person whose been kidnapped and abused for so long that they start to actually like or defend their captor. Its not because they deserve it - it just simply is; a way of life.

I get what you're saying though about not always doing it as a punishment, sometimes I do it - not because I feel it "must be" but simply because "I want to". There's nothing that triggers it during those times - its simply a release that I desire to obtain.

Not sure if I helped...just my take on the post.

[ThisWayOut]

tealBumblebee, yeah, kinda like that I guess. I always struggle to articulate what I mean. I think my trouble with the concept of si-as-punishment comes from the thought of being "bad" or having "done bad" to be punished. I don't hold that judgement over myself when I si... I may think I am an unworthy person, but I do not equate myself with the "bad" I consider the people I believe should be punished. I guess it's vocabulary and intent...

[tealBumblebee]

Yeah, i'm not that great at articulating verbally, so I get it. If it helps... I don't think "I'm bad, unworthy, etc... let me cut..." Usually its more subconscious. I'll feel upset about something totally irrelevant to self and engage as a relief - and then I can often (but not always) link it to some self relevant meaning.

What i've found myself doing lately is replaying the convo T and I had about si - about how I feel in the moment, how I felt in the moments leading up to it, how do I feel when I am done, etc. Usually the line of questioning, imagining her response and so forth helps me identify better (though not always justified) reasons as to why exactly i'm doing what i'm doing.

But again, sometimes I just self harm when I want to (specifically purging seeing as I could care less about losing weight, I just do it.)

I don't SI as a punishment either but as a release. I feel pressure building up inside that just won't go until I do something to release it. It's to help me live, not to punish myself. I was actually talking to my T about this earlier, he seemed confused when I said it wasn't an act of aggression, but to him it clearly is. SI is such a confusing thing....

I think I am kinda like secretwhisper... I probably started as a punishment... but now it is more like - when I heal up - I *have* to replace them. That it would be wrong for me to not have some fresh marks.

Yeah I do this too, it seems wrong not having fresh ones sometimes. It's like saying I must be better, but I know I'm not, so sometimes I do it just to prove that...if only to myself.

[winter4me]

Thanks for this post. It is thought (& memory) provoking.
I don't think of SI as punishment, sometimes it is even a self-soothing behavior (like knowing I have an option, and sometimes, yes, I do think of it as something that is just something that should be...)
But, when I first had the thoughts as a teen, I remember now, they followed anger and a sense of not being taken at all seriously, of my pain being dismissed and I remember two ways of thinking, one was "they will know I am someone to take seriously...", the other was "I just can't stand feeling this way..."
I never thought of it to punish me so much as, sometimes (when my kids were very young for instance...or before that in my marriage...) setting others free of me. (with the exception of my parents I guess who I thought of "proving" something to in a twisted way, I suppose a way to punish Them for the way they dismissed my feelings)
Now, alone, I find myself thinking either that I can't stand the pain, or that I won't be able to do the few things I still want to do and so...why stay...why not choose instead of being left to who-knows-what ending... But, I know it would do damage to the grown children I care about in one way or another and I can't bear to hurt them that way---I have seen how losing two uncles to suicide has affected them. ((and then, if the pain is great, I turn to the thought of accidents...no one need know...))
(when my brother killed himself, I know it was out of terrible pain and anger at himself, some others thought it was to punish someone else, but I know better....it would have been better had he been a drinker to go out and get drunk, or had he been able to self-soothe...somehow...when it is someone else, I never think it should just be...)
I don't want to punish but to release myself, or others of my potential burden.

[breakmystride]

I'm not entirely sure why I self-harm, but I don't see it as a punishment either. I know this is messed up, but I think sometimes it's almost more of a reward. I do it because I know it'll make me feel better.

[ThisWayOut]

I can relate to that. It definitely has it's rewarding qualities (otherwise I'm sure most of us would not do it)...

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

For me it's a sense of punishment, and likely partly to do with anxiety/anger, so I can't relate to this. (pointless me posting, I know, but thought I'd at least say something)

[Rzay4]

I can definitely relate.

[Freewilled]

I always self-harmed out of sheer frustration and anger. I notice a pattern of when I am not feeling heard or maybe even being treated badly (mocked, belittled, told my feelings aren't important) that I have the strongest urges to Si. But I don't know if its an attempt to punish myself or not it seems like its more of relief out of the emotional pain for me. The physical pain distracts me and makes the other pain immediately go numb.....not sure if that makes any sense /:

[ThisWayOut]

That makes sense.

Sort of know where your coming from. I start self injury back in high school. I use to have anxiety issues. The though of having to go to high school scared me. The worst times for me were the nights before big tests and, the first and only prom I every attended. That time required stitches. For me it servered as a slap in the face to calm me down. Thankfully i managed to stop si once I graduated. Every now and againt, I still feel the need to though.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello MdngtRain-I am glad you wrote about this. I do understand what you mean and I think this is true for me as well. I wrote a thread about this not long ago, where I gave some examples of various reasons why I SI. What you wrote is one of the factors for me. What I feel and think about SI varies depending on what is going on inside of me at a given moment. There are times when I don't see it as self-punishing but just something I do to help me survive the darkest and most frightening moments of my life.

[Sharp_Lace]

I don't think your the only one that feels that way. Mine is hardly ever a self punishment. Its more like........ something i need. I need to hurt my self to feel 'right'.
If that makes sense.