Over 3 months ... and I'm not sure I can quit anymore.

92 days without any self-injuring. (Over 3 months ... thats a good thing right?)

I miss it. I don't. I know what it will do to me if I fall off and start again ... but at the same time I really, really want to do it again.

I miss it.

I feel the same way emotionally as I did when I did it all those months ago. So have I really changed for the better? Or am I denying who I really am? Am I just stopping myself for everyone else's benefit?

I promised I would get help. And I did, sorta.

I promised I'd try to quit ... and I have a bit but I don't know if I can anymore. What would it matter, he's not around to make sure I'm 'good' so I really shouldn't feel obligated. Everyone else thinks I'm doing good enough and that I'm not going to slip up. But I feel like I'm drowning again and I really can't be honest with anyone. That would hurt them all too much. I trust them, but I don't deserve help because I don't accept it fully and that doesn't accomplish a *bleeping* thing.

I wish I understood myself. I wish I could help myself. I wish I was a better person.

I can't and I don't.

And that doesn't make me being depressed any easier to deal with.

Maximum editting time expired (oops)

I'll keep at it regardless. Sometimes I just whine a bit too much it seems.

Thanks for reading

not whining too much as such... you should see some of the stuff I've posted on forums in that past... far far far worse

You make a lot of good points.... esspessially the stopping for yourself or someone else one... though I honestly don't think it is possible to succeed if trying merely for others... 3 months is brilliant, and so I feel that at least to a degree you are doing this for yourself...
by now you are bound to have proven to yourself several times that you don't NEED to do it... that you are strong enough to resist urges and that life is possible without such a coping mechanism.

well done on the 3 months, and I hope that you come to some sence of clarity upon the other issues raised here soon

Thank you ((((((Orion))))))) for your response. Sometimes I just need someone to reinforce some things I think but am not sure of - so thanks for that.

ps. In case I've not done this before - welcome to PC

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
canders7 said:
Sometimes I just need someone to reinforce some things I think but am not sure of

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think we all need that at times

3 months is great though . I'm only just up to 2 weeks

Hey - 2 weeks is wonderful.

Congratulations, seriously that is an accomplishment. You can do it!



If you ever want to chat - PM me

Christina, you're doing great!

I struggle with a lot of the same stuff. Who are we trying to stop for, anyway?

Maybe the trick is to make it this long, and then to hang on once the same emotions come back again, and not give in. The more times you can do that, the easier it will be because you will be learning to manage your feelings more effectively.

You can always come here for help too.

Rap

Hi Rapunzel,

Thanks.

I don't know who I'm quitting for anymore. Sometimes I don't care what I do to myself, truth be told I can be self-destructive without resorting to self-injury. (Like not eating, sleeping enough or drinking)

Thanks for your advice I'll try to use it

((((((((Rap)))))))

canders i whine heaps too
does binge drinking even if im under age count as SI
well all kinds of self destructive behavior like not eating, sleeping or drinking enough will all do damage
hmmmmmmm
i shall ponder on this

Milly

BTW congrats canders

*hug*

(((((Canders7))))) I think it is wonderful that you have made it three months!!! I also feel your pain. I have not SI in two years but I still miss it badly somedays. Keep working at it because it does get easier the farther you get. I did not have the strength to stop for myself at first. I was stopping for my at the time husband to be. Eventually something clicked in my head and I did it for myself. I don't know what made it click though. It took at least a year! Good Luck

Hi Milly!

I know they'll do damage - I guess sometimes I don't think too much when I should.

Thanks *hug* (((((((Milly)))))))

Twirls01,

Thank you so much for your response. I hope to be able to do that someday - but stopping right now for someone else is kinda working for me right now when I still don't feel I'm worth it and that I can stop myself.

Thanks

(((((((twirls01))))))))

((((Canders)))) Three months is excellent! Good luck, I hope you can keep going.

(Sorry it's such a short reply...I don't have time for a longer response. )

Hey canders. I know I wrote you earlier but I just wanted to say that I stopped for someone else too. My grandmother had passed away, and it was the first real death in my life, and suddenly I felt this horrible guilt of her being able to watch me and see me doing this to myself. I stopped because I didn't want anyone to have to see me do this but me...and I knew that she could, from up there.

Do what works for you for the moment. It may morph into something good, and eventually lead to you resisting for yourself and not someone else.

Good luck.

Hey Rio - don't sweat it, if you don't have time for a response at all, its just the fact you read it.

Thanks (((((((((Rio))))))))))

hereiam - I never did properly thank you for your PM. Thank YOU. For your thoughts and a way to do things, that might actually work for me.

Thank you very much. (((((((hereiam)))))))

(((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))

(((((((Fuzzy))))))) thanks

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news ...

but I want to do it again.

Tight knot in my stomach and I tried to cry but it just won't work for me tonight.

I was having a good night. Watched a hockey game with some friends at one girls place. She just called me. Someone close to her has died.

I'm suddenly numb.

Can't deal with this.

She called me for help and yet everything I tried to say sounded so ... fake.

I'm a fake. I'm lying to myself. I'm never ever going to give this up. Even if I don't commit the act, I still think about it. It doesn't seem to want to leave me alone.

I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore.

I was reminded when I talked to my friend. I remembered the death of my grandfather.

I wasn't told right away.

First year of university and somehow schedules that didn't mesh - my mother, his daughter didn't tell me until two days later.

Now that f-ing bites and I didn't want to remember. I felt so awful for being happy when he was DEAD. What kind of grandaughter am I anyways? A lousy one, thats for sure.

And then I was confronted (now in the present again) by the thought that I can't do this to myself. Can't relapse. I quit for my friend. He's gone now and left me by my lonesome and even if he'll be back ...

I just can't deal with stuff anymore.

So now I don't know why I want to do it. A whole bunch of reasons all sneak up on me when my brain decides that it's got to make me more miserable ... again.

Sorry - I know I tend to talk more than a lot of other people, but have a hard time shutting up b/c I don't want to be misunderstood.

Sorry hon.... and I really relate to your last sentence

(((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))

Thanks (((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))

Sorry you can relate. It does suck to me - I hate being misunderstood.

Hello I hope you are doing well at this time. My name is Soidhonia it is very good to meet you. I am very proud that you are seeking professional help for your depression., It is very hard to deal with depression when it is so painful at your age, and I hope you keep seeing a professional so that they may help you discover better ways to deal with your pain. Getting help is a very courageous and grown up step in the right direction. Good job. I am leaving you my emailaddress in case you would like to email I would love to hear more about your recovery, and you Take care Soidhonia. My email address is neohiodbsa@yahoo.com
email anytime

Canders,

In a way I can definitely relate to you. I went through the cutting phase and stopped for the part. Still cut like once or twice a year, but nowhere as much or as bad I used to. What I would try to do, is place limits on when I would cut. Try not to do it when I wanted to, and get past the hump. If I still felt back say an hour later then I would give in, but usually if you ride out the emotions when they are at their peak you will not want to cut badly, or find it to be too much effort. At least I did. Naturally any other therapy stuff you do that works should be done as well, but for me I found that trying to place conditions on when I would allow myself to do was better than saying ok, I am done, as you can gradually change the restrictions while still not cutting. Ok hard to explain, but worked for me.

And you do not seem that misunderstood from what you wrote. Your posts were very clear. Seems you are having a tough time dealing with the loss of the sensations cutting gave you. Naturally there is very little to do to mimic that directly so a void is left. Somewhere you learned that cutting has a pleasure response and breaking this is the problem as when you get depressed it triggers the desire to want to cut.

Also you are still adapting to dealing with the changing of your mood. Best to remember that most really bad moments do pass and pass rather quickly. You will not always be in the abyss stage of depression or in the panic stage of anxiety. Usually if you calm yourself a bit and step back the worst passes. It will not be all sunshine after that, but at least you will stabilize.

Hope some of this made sense or helped.

Thanks (((((((Soidhonia))))))) for your nice note.

(((((((Engel_The_Fallen))))))))

Thank you very much for your note. It did make a trememdous amount of sense to me, and I would like to sincerely thank you for reminding me of stuff I tend to forget.

Take care