[ickydog2006]

want to bite. want to sooooo bad. I can taste blood in my mouth, I know it's not there, but I can taste it. Just enough to give me comfort but make me want more. My jaw hurts cause it keeps clenching. I'm scared sometimes if I open my mouth it will go instantly to my wrist. I hate this. My jaw hurts so flipping bad. I want the pain, but not there. Not that dull ache. That nice sharp piercing sensation. Want it. Need it. Don't know how much longer I can hold out for. I don't want to but I do. It makes me so mad at myself. Then I'm mad at myself and just want to punish me and get it over with so I can get to healing and feeling better. But I know once is NEVER enough. I want it. The comfort. I won't draw blood, so I want to look at this as if it's not that bad, but how long will I be able to do it and not draw blood. If I give in to this how much more will I give into. I haven't cut for 1 yr 3 mths. I refuse to give that up... I can't... I won't... but I want to so bad. I keep thinking that if I bite there will be less chance that i cut, but truthfully it's probably leading me closer to cutting. Can't Won't Want Need. Everything is getting so jumbled up. The only rational thoughts left in my brain seem to be I'm not thinking rationally therefore don't make any decisions in this state of mind. But I want it. Relief. Just a bit. Tiny tiny bit. Want to scream...cry. But if I scream my wrist knows where it will go. To the gaping jaws ready to shut on it. And if I cry will I be able to stop. I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything right now. The only thing keeping me in reality right now seems to be that aching in my jaw. Man it hurts. Why can't that pain fulfill the need of pain.

I guess I'll go cry in the shower now...if I can. I need to cry, want to cry, and maybe just maybe that will ease the pain enough to get through unscathed... for now.

[ickydog2006]

but cry... could I possibly just cry and get it over with...no.

Everytime I'm around people I feel like breaking, like I'm just gonna start crying and curl into a ball. But as soon as I get alone I can't cry. I just can't. I hate this, I hate myself.

[LittleMilly]

your are an awesome person and dont hate yourself for that
you have come along way
i cry in the shower and i have one while at it
i feel all the water running down my body and think that someone else is crying with me
i will cry with you if you want

Milly

[Soidhonia]

Hello sorry to hear that you are not feeling well at this time. I hope you feel better soon, I am going to leave you the hotlinge number to call if you would like to call and talk to someone in person. 1-800-273 TALK. am very sorry that you are hurtung and can not get any relief for your pain. There are 2 support groups that are good that may be in your area NAMI and DBSA both can be found on the internet. Journaling may help as well if you are not feeling understood or feel that you are alone in the support that you are neeing at this time. I really hope that you feel better soon, and you get the comfort that you need for your emotional survival soon, and get help working on your issues with a therapist that can help you with the issues that you are having at this time. You have done very well in your recovery and you can get through this as well, with the right help. Take care Sincerely Soidhonia

[ickydog2006]

I told myself if the cravings didn't subside a little by today that I could bite. Then I woke up this morning and the cravings had eased up. Now I"m mad at myself because I sorta wish they were still bad so I could bite and get it over with.

I don't have to worry so much about the opening my mouth part though. I've been burning up all day and all I want to do is throw up... (i.e now I'm sick to top off all this stress plus homework and finals). Everytime I open my mouth it feels like I'm going to vomit.. even though I've been able to eat and keep it down still.

Ugh... so frustrating.

Thanks for the support guys. I really need it right now.

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry for all you are trying to contend with. Homework and finals are stress enough then add on what is happening with your personal life I can understand how it can be overwhelming. I am glad the urge was not as great this morning but can also understand the almost disappointment. I hope you are feeling better today. Please take care.