self harm coming back to me

Hi p1994, it must have taken a lot to start posting on here and to have shared so much. So real respect for that and thank-you!!
Talking about things with people doesn't have to mean you'll be "judged", it should be much more about them wanting to understand/help you/be there for you. And perhaps gradually you'll be able to tell someone else/more people, people who are going to do that for you?
As for not even knowing me, well I guess from some of my replies you're "getting where I'm coming from" in how I see things, hey?
I know I certainly aren't going to get everything right though (I'm sorry) but keep letting me know when that happens, keep hanging with me, and I'll keep hanging with you!! I do really want to be there for you, and thanks for being here with me!!
Alison

Well I hate being judged just like everyone else but it really really cheeses me off when people judge the SI habit and alot of the time they straight away think you're suicidal and crazy? I don't understand why humans are unbelievably stupid in alot of things alot of people need to be educated so others won't be judged and asked uncomfortable questions! But yea I'm going to say something that I constantly think bout since like September last year I have been under a lot of stress and very depressed and in December i practically convinced myself I would not be alive in begining of 2014 or mid 2014 well I'm still here and fighting what seems to be a emotional war between relationship and stress and studies and just plain not happy with my self it's been a really fcuked roller coaster of emotions and yet I'm still facing my "ex" everyday at college/uni and that is so damn hard!! I just... I dunno I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!! I don't remember a day where I was happy I have had a "happy period" where I'm happy for like less then an hour: ( it's unfair

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, Yes, you're right there are a lot of people who don't really understand SI or have preconceived/wrong perspectives about it. But as there is a lack of "education" in that area, sometimes it takes answering those uncomfortable questions to help people understand/to educate them, that's if the person really wants to understand or offer support.
I'd say that you and other people on here are really "breaking down barriers" though in just telling it as is is. And you've got to be making a big difference to people out there in making them feel less alone, understood, accepted, and in educating people!!
And back to.......It does sound like you've got everything piling up on top of you but (and I know this is going to sound really hard!!) could you separate the things going on for you a little more? And try to find ways around each, one at a time?
I mean it's got to be really painful to keep seeing your "ex" with things between you really fresh in your mind. But the person you're actually seeing isn't the one you fell for/still love. The one you're seeing didn't actually match up to any of that, and you deserve more!!
There was probably a part of her you felt really close to, you needed/wanted her to be, but that isn't the "whole" of her. In the "bigger picture" she just "isn't all that". You deserve better!! It may be as much about giving yourself time to really see that, work through it and in time when/if you're ready (no rush!) finding someone "right" for you. One step at a time........
As for studies, well that can just be about doing all you can do. And if you're not doing as well as you think you can/should be doing, well give yourself "a break", you have got a lot going on for you, you're not going to be at your best. Who (certainly not you!!) should be faulting you for that?? The main focus should be about you, and you gradually feeling better in/about yourself. YOU and your "wellbeing" should the most important thing in all of this.
But hey, if you could get a bit more support from the teachers/tutors in the actual studies that wouldn't be a bad thing. I'm sure there are going to be/have been other students asking for a bit of extra help. And if they've got it, why shouldn't you??
And being happy again: with what you've been through, are going through, that might take time but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. You have been working through a lot of things, it might not feel like it, but you have. And you have come a long way. Give yourself credit for where you're actually at, and allow it to keep you on the path to working through things to that goal.
You might need more help e.g. professional help towards that goal, but don't be afraid to ask for that. You deserve it!!
Alison

;'( I am seriously crying now

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

You understand the pain I have and the help I need thank you so so much <3

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

But any ways I wasn't referring to anyone in particular just heads up ,what do you mean by breaking down barriers?, well I can't break uni time as I go mental at home and at college I get mixed emotions due to seeing the "girl" everyday so I just need to suck it up sometimes and it's not fair on myself by doing that, I do fault myself because studies should have been a higher priority, I hate asking tutors for help on work.... it scares me and I get nervous..., I don't believe I will be happy again at least not for a long long time ...I just hate how much this has affected me.

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, by "breaking down barriers" I mean SI can be one of those things that some people feel ashamed about, feel like they can't talk about, feel that they need to hide it, feel that if they talk about it they'll be "judged"/seen as ".........". They really shouldn't (!!), but I know that they do. And others unfamiliar with it may be kind of "ignorant" about it.
But by you starting to talk about it and your feelings openly (which I know can take a lot) you're part of "opening people's eyes" to talking about it, to understanding it.
So big compliment there to you!!!
But about your comment on "breaking uni time" could you at least break some of the time you see her?? If you're seeing her on breaks/coming/going from uni could you avoid seeing her a bit more?
Although, remember that she needn't have the "power" over you that she may have, by the sounds of it you are better off without her, you can be stronger without her. And, hey, her loss at the end of the day!!
And you know that's what tutors are there for really, to help students when they need it. And I'm sure you'll find that some tutors actually like going out of their way to help students. Makes the job a bit more personal than straight forward "basic" support/lectures/classes. Some are going to want to show a personal interest in getting their students through. So perhaps give them that opportunity? And you deserve the help!!
And absolutely don't fault yourself on not having made uni a higher priority!!
I, for one, think that it's amazing that you've still hung in there, still kept it going (however well/not well you think you've been doing) despite everything you've been going through!! It just shows how much strength you actually have!! Good on you!!
Now maybe just focus on where your work/studies are going from here, with help, and just do the best you can do?
And it's natural that things have badly effected you, but with some time and the strength you're showing (even if it doesn't feel like it!) you can look towards moving on from that- in time.
Alison