self harm coming back to me

Well today I used the rubber band instead and where I did it I'm not happy bout it I flick it really. Really hard over/on my burn mark I felt a grave amount of pain but now that I have done that it's made me worse like I'm getting really big urges to buy new "tools" I'm just so sad and angry right now because I put my heart out for people and. They just **** ME OVER....I have had enough :@ anything I love seems to just wither. Away!! And right now for me si is ideal to me and Gareentee it will happen... I argghh Im out

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, whatever people have ****ed you over really aren't worth you hurting yourself for. They weren't worth your time in the first place, so why should they be worth this??!!
There will be people out there who are going to care though, so maybe aim at investing your emotions in those who are really going to matter?
And even the staff member showed you in some way that they cared. Just allow the people into your life who deserve to be there.
Now do you think you could talk a little more to the staff member about how you're feeling??
Alison

Well OK there not worth hurting myself over but I feel need to all time but my case worker. Actually "closed my file" and I am getting mixed emotions about it

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

And I I don't know I get angry at myself for cutting or burning in bht I get a joy out of it also a "thril " out of it.... today my mates brother asked" if I have a misses yet" and my make was just like "dude just don't it's very touchy subject for him at the moment" and that made me think what the actual **** am I doing with my life I mean Im not progressing in life nor am I happy bout it... like yea i get that these people the did screw me over are not worth it but it does feel like it is "the end" and the pyscological and physical pain I go through is hell. Because if I'm with someone I love my world literally will evolve around them and then only.... but I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me (part of me what's good things yo happen another part wants bad things to happen)but either way I'm screwed up and immediately now going to bed ;(

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, perhaps the "thrill" you feel from it is the endorphins it releases or even just the release/relief from the way you've been feeling it certainly isn't unusual to feel that way.
But as for the anger you're feeling towards yourself for cutting/burning well I;d say that that was being a little harsh on yourself. SI can be really addictive, and a tough addiction to break, and you're doing it right now, because it's the only/one of the only things that help you escape some of the feelings that crowd in/overwhelm you/are so hard to live with, right??
If you had another option right there, right in front of you, that would get you to the exact same place as SI does then you'd probably take it at least some of the time (bearing in mind the addiction factor), right? So I'd say give yourself a break on the anger.
Of course it would be way better if there were better options than feeling the way you've been feeling, than SI but sometimes it can be so hard to find them on your own. It absolutely isn't the old "pull yourself together" deal!! And without help it can so, so, so hard!! So, back to your case worker/or those who assigned your case worker for starters. From what you've told me/us about your situation it can be just as easy to re-open a file as to close it. And that is the whole idea of progressing, you may think it's a step back, but clearly they haven't given you all the help you need yet. So it's as much as putting things in place so you can actually progress. The journey just isn't over yet, you don't have to be left, "stuck here", feeling the way you do. There can be a future/a much better future.....just one step at a time......
Alison

Well I have taken a step forward today and booked a appointment with a p

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

And I have never been on mental health care plan nor have I seen a counseling person psycologist I hav e only seen a case worker so I'm very mixed on how I feel bout it do I tell my parents if so what will they do what steps do I take in terms of approaching them bout it. Will my psych send me away will he just drug me up what is going to happen to me when I go to see him for first time is he trust worthy enough can I feel comfortable talking to him as I don't want to waste someone time!? I'm angry at myself that it has gotten to this point but at same time I'm happy that I'm reaching out to someone but I'm not happy bout the idea or the fact of going I have alot of mixed emotions on this......

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, that is a massive step!! Well done!! It must have taken a lot of courage to do that, but you so deserve it!!!
I think you'll find your psych a lot more experienced in helping you move forward and in helping you tackle the things you're trying to cope with right now than maybe your caseworker, as it is more their "specialty".
As for your parents, I'd love to say that you've really got to tell them/tell them everything and let them stand by you and support you through it all. But what is your feeling about how they may react?? Not that it's anything to be ashamed about at all, but some people can find it hard to understand.
Having said that they may go through a lot of emotions at first e.g. fear, denial, upset but then gradually come out of it and be there for you whatever. But what do you think?
As for your psych, he should be there to try help you in whatever way's going to work out to be the best for you. It might involve medication, but he should be happy to talk to you about the effects if you ask. Sometimes it can take some trial and error to find medication that suits you, but finding the right medication can make such a big difference.
And there's a chance that you might not feel completely comfortable talking to him the first time, but you're going to be talking to him about really personal stuff, so that's natural.
Just tell him at the start if you're feeling uncomfortable and he might be able to talk to you and reassure you. And perhaps write down before the appointment some of the things you've been going through, so you can read from them and feel a little less "on the spot".
But don't be angry at yourself that it's "gotten to this point"!!
Firstly, you didn't cause what's going on for you to happen, it just did. And secondly, it's a really good point to have gotten to after all you've been through/are going through!!
And, again (!!), Well done!!!
Alison

I dunno I'm so scared and I fear something bad is going to happened due to it :/

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, I guess it's natural o feel a bit worried/scared after all it is a big step you're taking seeing a psych, but a good one!!. Remember they're there to help you and should understand what you're going through. A lot of people can find psych's really helpful, so maybe jut try to make the most of the appointment.
Alison

When ever I **** ask for help or advice it just turns to **** spoke to the girl she was like I dunno to almost every bloody **** question and then before that I asked another person what the hell do I do I GET A OH I DUNNO OR ****TOLD OFF I'M SO **** SICK OF THIS **** ALREADY

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

I'M just turning out to piss everyone and everything off it's not **** fair the way I'm being treated by some Pele

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

*people

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

You know all I wanted was to just be with this person I truly love and care for just be able to hugs her everyday tell her good night love you every night I'm a extremely soft person when it comes to relationships but it's just nothing is working out in my life failing my course failing my social life and professional life I get urges to self harm and really strong urges to all this happen because of a girl..... my life is so horrible I think to myself alot what if everything just stays the same (a very depressed person ) Ike everyone says stuff will get better but it's gone on for months and months now it got to the point where you m seeing a psycologist for depression like argh I just want this to end already! I'm tired of this stuff that's happening I'm tired of feeling this way a d when ever I try to fix it it just ends up worse or just no where but still people get pissed with me I'm so sick of all this stress I'm more then likely to have a mental breakdown again unless my psych bloody gets back to me soon or I'm gonna end up being hospitalised..... again

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, well I can guarantee you that you aren't pissing me off!! I know you're probably getting a few "dunno"'s from me, but I am really trying, and maybe between us, with your help........
I know your feelings about the girl it must be really painful for you and the "If only"'s have to be so hard. And (?), the "So near, yet so far"'s but still not being able to let go.
But if it isn't going to happen between you. or maybe she really isn't the girl for you, then however painful it is (and I'm sure it will be) the more distance you try to put between you the more space you're going to have to work through/past those feelings.
And really how special can she be to be having such a negative impact on you?? I'd say no-one's that special. You deserve to want/to have more for yourself than this. You really do!!
Perhaps think about the kind of gap's she's "filling" for you, or the things not going so well for you that she's helping you to "bury", and have a think about how to get or handle those things without her. Without the pain she's causing you. I know, way easier said than done, when she's such a big part of you/in your life, but............might take plenty of time and pain......but..........
And as for failing in your course, social, professional life, well I know it's got to be real tough, but do you think you could be a little less "demanding" on yourself. You're not in the best place right now, so maybe take it a little slower??
Do you think it would help to focus on making just one of those areas a bit better at a time, starting with whichever is the most important to you? Or maybe think of just one small step you can take in each area to just try to put you on the road to......e.g. with your course ask for some more support/advise from a staff member/tutor??
Try to see it as a good thing that you're seeing a psychologist though. Because it is!! It's an opportunity to start to slowly "pull things back together".
As for the people who are getting pissed with you, maybe try explaining some of what you're going through?? But if that's not a possibility/doesn't work then I'd say just "cut them loose"/distance them if you can.
Alison

Well Alison you have been nothing but really great to me I wasn't referring to you I was referring to particular people that are in my life as far as the psych goes I dunno if he wants to see me or what ever I haven't received a call from him heck I don't even know his his office name I can't find him anywhere so far as I know he doesn't necessary exist and boy Oh boy do I need to talk to this "ghost" Dude lol but I can't get anything bout him I just so much mixed emotions every damn minute of the day my emotional level are. Just top random for me to handle right now

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, it must be really frustrating/feeling like they don't want to know or aren't interested/like your kind of abandoned with all of this.
But if it's anything like where I am it might just be coming down to the "administrative" delays, workloads.....caseloads....all of that.
Now I know you shouldn't have to. but sometimes it can really pay to keep phoning, keep chasing them up.......bring a bit more attention to the fact that you're waiting and it is important (because it is!!).
Maybe your doctor could give you a phone number to contact, they should have some contacts. They might offer to chase it up for you even, but if you could too then maybe that might be helpful.
I guess all of this waiting, not knowing, not having support there can't be helping your emotions as well, right? But if you can keep a real focus on you as well, and doing everything you can/as much as you can that might help even just a little. Whether at a particular time that's getting a little space from what's going on for you physically or emotionally; talking to someone; writing things down; finding things to distract you........Different things might help a little at different times, just try your best to focus on things that may be "right"/OK for you.
Alison

Well it is frustrating because it makes me feel noone gives a damn bout me so I have just givin up and I ended up cutting last night I broke my promise from that but it felt good to be able to do that!? I actually broke my promise to a fair bit of people: (

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Did you promise not to self harm?

I'm sorry you felt the need to do that, but I understand how it can feel good to break a promise. Do you feel like you rebelled and got some control from doing it?

Not rebelled just more of a "finally" relief but yes I did promise I wouldn't si but should not make a promise I couldn't keep it's weird but yea I dunno man

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, I suppose making a promise like that can be a lot easier to make than to keep. Often turning away from SI needs to be because YOU want to instead of doing it for someone else, and even then it can be a lot easier said than done.
But do you think if you talked to the person/people you made the promise to about the way you've been feeling they may understand?? Afterall you are going through a lot right now.
And back to the SI, have you got a action plan of things to do (even a list to work down) if you feel the need to SI? Things you're going to do/try before you SI to try and avoid actually getting to that point?
And........back to your first comment about feeling no-one gives a damn about you. Perhaps that's your depression talking? It can block you from seeing anything remotely positive going on around/for you and leave you seeing nothing but negative. It can also push people so far away from you. So the sooner you can get some help with it the better, right?
But, if nothing else for now believe me when I say: I give a damn about you.
So if you want to talk more, right here for you.
Alison

Well my depression got the better of me I am no longer asking people for help (besides here) if they happen to want to talk I'm going to push them away if my psych decides to call I will talk yo him only as he won't be giving negativity bout everything

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

If anyone knew bout what I'm doing again.... well poop will hit the fan so yea I give up trying lost faith in religion lost faith in humanity lost a girl I truly loved I feel empty come to Think of it.. life's a b!tch. plain and simple!

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk

Hi p1994, as you know your situation better than me I'll go with those closest to you might not be the best to offer you help/support with what you're finding yourself doing again.
But do you think they can at least be a little helpful if you tell them just a little of what you're feeling e.g. "Look I'm finding things a bit hard to cope with at the minute and would appreciate it if you'd........". Maybe there's just something they could do to help day-to-day???
With the SI though perhaps you could tell the teacher you'd managed to open up a little to?? And if anything (to begin with?) you needn't say exactly how bad it is if it helps. I'd say they're probably more familiar with SI in general now-a-days so they should have an idea, at least, on how to best support you. Just something to think about???
And, I know it probably seems like too much effort right now, but if you could chase up your psych.....??
Beats waiting around, which could take who knows how long, and I'm betting some days are seeming pretty endless to you as it is?
The life's a b!tch bit, you know I can see how you feel that way with everything going on for you. And there can be periods where everything seems unbelievably unfair, where you're just waiting for the next thing to go wrong but that's just it: they may only be periods. And once you get some real help with what you're going through then that's when you can start offsetting the balance a bit. Either by just feeling better, by bringing/having more positive things in your life or by letting more of the not so good things just "go over your head" a bit more.
And you probably don't want to think about this now, but once you're feeling a bit better you're going to have more of an opportunity to love again, you really do have plenty of time ahead to make that opportunity real. Often it can take time to find "the one".
Really glad you're still hanging with us on here though!!!
Alison

I have no where else to go to seek help you are the only person I have talked to bout everything I don't even know you lol

Sent from my GT-I9197 using Tapatalk