I don't want to talk (trigger)

Just saw my t, for a minute, and I already know if he knew of what was going on and the thoughts that have goon through my head he would not be happy. I was suicidal for a few hours and didn't call the crisis line. If I tell him, he'll give me that look of disappointment, and ask why did you not call. But I got through that night. I kind of feel like I'm in hiding.
Here's something, I am a week and a half free of si but have had two episodes of suicidal thinking. But is being free of si worth the risk? Is there a way to get rid of the worry? To free my mind of pain, crazy accidents, and disaster. Is it worth it?

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I got some news that a father of 4 children is currently in the hospital for a massive heart-attack. I still keep thinking of him and his wife and children. Then I think of a few hours from now and how my test will go. Then I think of the mental things of this week. I don't see my T until Thursday, and then I start to wonder if I'll be okay, to not talk. To just put everything out of my mind. And I wonder if that's even possible. During Yoga, there was no music, and I only focused on breathing, but then things would step in, and putting them out of my mind was harder.

Too much going on at once. I want to stay free of si....but it's so inviting when everything seems to go in the wrong direction. Can I just be free of the pain, madness?

I hope you got my message, and that you know that your life is more important than not doing something that is not as dangerous as you know what.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk. Sending hugs and love your way.

(((((puzzclaw))))))

I hear what you are saying. I often find that my suicidal ideation is at it's worst when I don't have SI as an option for a coping strategy. It's kind of ironic that we only feel better if we cut, eh? My T tells me that if I can find new coping strategies to do instead of cutting that it might make both the SI urges and the sui stuff less intense. While that's certainly easier said than done, I think it does have some merit.

Thats great you're doing yoga. Maybe music can also be an outlet for you? What helps me get through particularly rough times is to hold on to the fact that I won't always feel this way. It's hard to believe it in the moment when I'm feeling suicidal, but the next day, or next couple of days I'm no longer in that same spot. It's moments like those that I try and hang on to in the moments where it seems like there's no hope. But that's just the depression talking.

If calling a hot line doesn't work, then try and find something that does. Call a friend or a family member. Come on here and reach out to someone in chat or PM. Go to yoga or some type of physical activity. Just do anything that will distract you long enough for the feeling to pass... because it will.

Hang in there, and feel free to message me whenever.
xo Jacq

I am not recommending this, just sharing what i do when i feel like i'm about to SI, or i can't control my suicidal thoughts. I smoke a tiny bit of weed and the urge just completely goes away. I've talked to my psychiatrist about this, and although marijuana is NOT the solution, both her and i would rather that i smoke a bit of pot at the end of the day as opposed to cutting/ fantasizing about suicide. I dunno, i kind of feel like it's the lesser of two evils...

I ended up talking. but only said about half of what really happened. Then I felt so guilty, for giving in to the urge. after talking. Now I'm just getting by. I have an outline to do tonight, and I just don't want to do the work, yet I know my grade is affected by my choices. I also know that the sui thoughts don't make Any sense at all. and I know that, yet I have to be told that, which adds more frustration to the session today. I could go out and socialize but I don't want to, because of stress. then I'm asked about pain.... DUH it's all in my head. Life sucks.
So I had a concert last night. I had expected my sister to make the time for me, but she didn't, she forgot. And that's no longer a liable excuse. Each time it's I have to work, or I scheduled something else that is more important because it only happens that night. Or I'll go if family are in town. I'm tired of excuses. Instead I locked myself in my room to get away. Tonight, I'm tempted to go back on campus to do some homework at the library and do the social thing to night, to just get away from her. I can't handle that tonight. I just can't. But at the same time I want to watch Gray's Anatomy, and then just work on my outline, in my room to just clear out distractions.

So, now I'm a bit more relaxed. I think I can focus now.