[lenjan]

I was trying to pinpoint for someone the other day why I started cutting. I didn't know any cutters at the time, and it wasn't yet a hot media topic, so I hadn't been exposed to it that way. I just remember laying in bed one day and thinking a knife across my back would feel pretty good, so I went and did it. (I'm a sick pup, I know.) It worked pretty well and so I kept it up, though my targets have changed over the years.

I went and bought a lighter the other day. This sounds innocuous, and I had a reason, sort of -- I'm useless with matches and I got a nice scented candle for Christmas that I wanted to burn. But, I've been thinking for awhile that burning sounded like a good idea, and now I have the means and no good reason not to indulge myself. Can somebody give me one? Because otherwise, this is going to get just as out of hand as the cutting has, I can already tell.

I'm a nutjob, I know.

Candy

[Soidhonia]

Hello Candy. One of the main reasons not to start with the lighter is you will just be substituting the lighter for the cutting. You have come very far and you do not want to sabotage your recovery with the lighter. You are a very good example to others here at PC and I feel that you know that you are needed here by cutters and people who self injure. You are becoming more aware of your problems and becoming a more productive person because of your self awareness of your disorder. Your voice and participation on PC as a positive motivator makes a difference to someone in need who needs a positive outlook that you may be able to provide from your own experiences. I hope the best for you Candy take care Soidhonia.

[Christina86]

((((((((((Candy))))))))))))

You are NOT a nutjob.

Just because you can't find the reason why you started cutting isn't the end of the world, I think it takes time and it could have been something that is seemingly insignificant.

You do NOT want to burn. You want the way you're feeling right now to stop, but you don't want to burn. You might even want to cut and think that this is less dangerous ... I don't think it is.

But coping is coping - switching from one form of SI to another doesn't solve anything. Believe me, I've tried.

Sorry if I'm lecturing, I don't intend to.

You are a GOOD and KIND person who is greatly LOVED and APPRECIATED here. You really are.

Please try to take care of yourself - call someone to talk to if that's what it takes.

[ickydog2006]

You are not a nut job.

I started close to the same way. Hadn't known any cutters at the time, no idea how I even heard of it. But i was in emotional pain, had a safety pin and thought "maybe this will help". It did but soon wasn't enough so I transitinoed to cutting.

Canders is right. Substituting one negative coping mechanism for another is not good and will only make things worse.

Why not to burn. Here's why... I adapted it from one on cutting...

Before you make the first burn, remember---

you will enjoy this
you will find the pain release addictive.
even though you think you can make a few tiny burns that aren't deep and will heal easily-
they will get deeper.
they will scar.
they will take sometimes months to heal.
and years for the scars to fade.
if you think you can limit the burning to one area of your body, think again.
it will spread when you run out of skin.
be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
even if you are the most honest person ever to live---
you will find yourself lying to the people you love.
you will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
be prepared to get so out of control, you fear your next burn because you don't know how bad it will be.
just wait for 1 burn to turn into 20 burns.
be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about burning---
burning and covering up the burning.
and just wait til that first time you burn "too deep."
and you freak out ...
and you are gasping...
and you feel yourself shaking all over.
you are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone.
so you sit there alone...
praying it will be ok---
swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
but you will, and further.
don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your burns so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
and the better you get at treating your burns, the deeper they get.
you will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20 dollars every time you go to the pharmacy.
you will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order.
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...
betadine...
antibiotic cream...
medical tape...
scar reducers...
and at the same time, secretly hope someone will notice---
someone who understands---
but of course that never happens.
you will start looking at everyone in a different way.
scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
you won't even think about it,
as your eyes scan their wrists, arms.
hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
but they are not.
you will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
you will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes.
wiping the blood off your keyboard.
you won't be able to make it through a day without burning.
say goodbye to things you once took for granted.
like wearing shorts or sandals... pedicures... sleeveless tops.
a normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
get ready to itch.
because you will itch and itch.
so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
you will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
you will dream about burning.
you will dream about being exposed.
it will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
you will wish you never made that first burn because while you absolutely hate burning---

at the same time you love it and cannot live without it

That's why you shouldn't make that first burn.

Take Care

[PlanningtoLive]

Icky is right, Candy. Burning is very addictive and you won't be able to stop - it's a different kind of high than cutting is. I know because I have the burn marks all over my arms.

I had to make up excuses all the time for the bandages and infections (fortunately I worked at a fast food place with fryers, so I blamed it on oil burns). They never heal properly and you can always see them.

Please think about this alot Candy. It's a path you don't want to go down - it won't help anything at all, just add to your problems.

Love,
Mary Alice

[nothing_inside]

I started burning last summer, and as others have already stated here, all it did was replace cutting. I can honestly tell you that i wish i hadn't gone there(with the burning) because it made EVERYTHING worse.

listen to yourself, you were 100% right when you said " this is going to get just as out of hand as the cutting has, I can already tell"

[Fuzzybear]

Candy, please don't start burning..... I don't want my bear friend to hurt herself more. Sorry if this sounds selfish (((((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))))))

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((( Candy ))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Like the others have said, burning is something best to avoid. The scars do take ages to fade. I've not really burned with heat but by other means and the injuries do take a long time to heal. Better to try to distract yourselfas best you can