[Lexicon78]

I've be cut-free for about 3 months. It hasn't been easy at all. I think about doing it almost every day. Maybe that's because I think about my ex almost every day. She's a lot of my problem, I think. Anyways, sometimes I think it's not a good thing to do, yet other times I think it's better than what I could be doing...like smashing things, hurting others, or just swallowing pills. I feel so proud when I do cut. It's just a huge struggle for me not to do it. The thing that keeps me from cutting is the fact that I don't want it to interfere with my treatment, as I know it does.

I just wonder if anyone else struggles with what it means to them. And does anyone else feel so proud when they do it? Am I alone in thinking that it's better that blowing up and wreaking havoc on things or people, no matter how distorted that kind of thinking is? I do feel so alone in all this.

[Zenobia]

I don't feel pride when I cut but satisfaction. "There, I took care of that now I can go on." When I touch the wound I feel that same sense of satisfaction. I feel a kind of sadness as it starts to fade away. Sigh.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[kela]

i am glad you are not cutting. i cant do that so i just keep it hiding so no body gets hurt by it. they get worried and upset and that is not right for me to do to them so i keep it away from sight. the warm part is what feels like a hug i never got. maybe i did not say that real well so you understand but it is hard to explain. if it is not warm then i would not be alive. so it feels right. -kela

[Lexicon78]

When I first started cutting I hid the marks. I've been cutting since I was about 13, I'm 25 now. Now I have the attitude of who cares. I don't really see cutting as a bad thing. For me, it keeps me from going off the deep end. For instance, instead of hurting other people when I'm angry I cut to calm myself down. It's just better than attacking another person. When I blow I get violent (ex. smash stuff, break stuff such as glass, furniture, etc.) When I cut I feel so clear. I know a lot of people see it as a bad thing, but I figure it keeps me out of jail.

Personally, I think if people don't like it, it's their problem. I know that's a little distorted, but I often don't care. I know it's wrong in their eyes. I found that when I was living with the shame and fear of my cutting, it only prolonged the cutting. When I started showing people and becoming proud of it, I learned that I didn't have to do it. It doesn't make sense, but what does?

Don't misunderstand me, I don't want you to cut. I just want you to know how it's been for me. I had to accept it before I could heal from it, that's all I'm trying to say.

[Zenobia]

Lex,
I agree with acceptance being the key to stopping. It makes me wonder if by accepting this we are finally accepting ourselves and there by giving ourself the unconditional support that we didn't get when we were young. I started when I was 12, I am 36 now. That is a long time. I hid it all that time. I don't cut often but employ other methods that leave little marking so it was easy to hide, the occasional cut was easy to put off as an accident or to cover up if I did artistic designs. Because I kept it hidden I never got the help I needed. It wasn't until about a year ago that I really started trying not to hide the problem. It wasn't until december that I started talking about it openly with my husband. And now I have had a month free of SI. I have done a month before but don't remember the circumstances. I know I was eating a lot of chocolate but that is another addiction with chemicals thrown in. I am convinced that chocolate helps me but I don't want to trade SI for a chocolate addiction.

Kela,
Welcome to our little community. I am glad you found us and joined in our conversation. I totally understand the "right" feeling. I have described it in so many ways but what you said just about sums it up. It just feels right. How does one give up something that feels so good, so right and warm just because other people say it is bad to do? How does someone give up something that helps in a world that doesn't seem to care? It is a hard thing to do. I have come to believe however, that cutting covers up the problem, like drinking. It feels good, gets us through the day but it never solves anything so we keep cutting so that we can feel good just for a little while. But the things that make us hurt never go away because we never have to face them. Facing them hurts too much, so much more then cutting. But they will always hurt if we don't face them.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft