Therapist told me to "get rid" of my razors....

I keep a bunch of utility-type razors in my car and at my desk (at work) along with some medical tape.

Yesterday she asked if I had cut this past week and I honestly answered her no. She asked why (which almost seems strange to me) and I honestly answered her that I did not know....... but I admitted that I often put the razors and tape in my pocket and just walk around with them.

So she said that maybe it is time to get rid of the razors. If you were an alcoholic, you would not walk around with a flask in your pocket.... It seemed like reasonable logic. BUT, a part of me does not want to stop cutting yet. I have some pretty deep-seeded self-hatred. And part of me continues to fantasizes about taking the razor to my throat (in my heart I know I wont, but it is a twisted form of a security blanket).

I guess my question is - how do you know when you are honestly ready to give it up? And how do you not fear turning back to it in a worse (more damaging way)???

I gave my tools to my therapist. A couple of times I had to ask for them back. A couple of times I bought new ones then gave those to him as well. I knew I was ready when I was able to leave them with him without stress and not buy new ones.

I haven't SI'd since April so it seems to be working.

thank you. and congratulations on your successes!

Hi IDM, first of all A BIG WELL DONE on that time away from cutting!!!
But then keeping your blades on you doesn't sound twisted at all in relation to having that security blanket. Makes perfect sense!!!
You've clearly been using some other coping mechanisms, but using them and having real/true faith/confidence in them can be two completely different things. So good to feel you have the comfort of knowing the thing that's been there for you is not that far away IF you need it??
So if it works for you, if it gives you that "peace of mind" in a way, to get through.......to cut less/to think about stopping, then it could be seen as kind of positive for you while you're getting to really master/have confidence in other coping methods.
Then there's the other side isn't there?? Sometimes urges can come on so quickly, so intensely and almost before you've really tried to reason with them............well if your blades are close by.........but perhaps if they weren't then you might be able to ride the urges out???
But I'd say that you really need to do what's right for YOU!!
Perhaps gradually distance yourself from them????
And as for the "time to stop"...........for some people there can be a moment or moments or convictions when they can mark that time, and maybe that will come for you. But if it doesn't I don't know that it matters too much. Because telling yourself you're "Never" going to go back there..........when it's had/it has such a big place in your life sounds REALLY (!!) tough to me. So perhaps what might be easier is trying to tell yourself you're not going to do it........when you're having the next/and the next or the next urge.......or you're not going to do it........today/tomorrow/this week/for as long as you can, and back that up with throwing all the coping strategies that might help at it when you feel the need. Even have a backup plan in place for if.............
And hey, if you're getting into deep-seeded self hatred you want to be getting back here!!!
Because you know I think you're AWESOME!!! So want some convincing of what's good about you...........I'm up for the job!!!

And to finish...........AGAIN WELL DONE on holding off on the cutting for so long!!!



Alison

thank you all for your input. I will ponder on it.

Hi IDM. I si only on rare occasions. I know it provides relief. Ultimately, we all are seeking wellness. I recognize when I do it, that it is only a bit of a slide off my road of recovery. I hope that it is one of your goals to ultimately give up S.I. Handing your tools over may not work unless you have something else to take its place. God bless you!

keep trying and one day you will suceed

See if you cannot creatively translate it into figurative ("art") instead of literally carrying around stuff? Find/buy an arrowhead with its scalloped/sharp edges to carry around? Do something "for" yourself to symbolically show yourself you are listening and caring. By a Sterling silver butter knife (they are small and dull) to carry around? Make a sculpture or other piece of art (collage?) about your fantasies and difficulties? Buy a red choker to wear? A special red turtle neck shirt?

Perna,
I want to thank you for some nice ideas...... I have something very significant pending that I have to wait for. But if that turns out okay - I think I will use your suggestion.

i looked at my life and thought of the most important reason to give it up, i did throw away my kitchen knives, they were damn good knives, it two years i have only cut 3 times,

My T said the same thing to me. Even used the alcohol metaphor as well. It makes sense but I identify with you about wanting that safety net. I took my tools and put them in a box. I just put the box away and out of sight. I got rid of the tools in my car because I'm always in my car.

In some ways, I feel like my T took self harm away from me. To ad our that, my advice for you is to make the decision on your own. If you decide to get rid of them, do it for yourself and not because your T urged you to. Of course the goal is to one day live without self harm, but getting there needs to come from your own desires.

Sending hugs your way

The same has come to me in several forms 'I can't take every single sharp thing from the world away from you'. 'It has to be YOUR choice'. That was freeing in a way - and took me from that childhood place of "I need someone to keep me safe" to "i am doing this to myself for certain reasons. only i can choose to keep me safe, even if that means i have to let others keep me safe from myself for a night or 6.
best to you in your battle/quest.