I hide what I do so no one knows. I have not posted here before and I am scared but I was wondering if there's anyone who hides hurting? I hurt because I have to and it's something that relieves my pain. But no one knows this because I don't hurt where anyone can see. I don't want anyone to know because I don't want to be judged or put down for something no one else can understand. It's a secret like all the abuse was. Love was pain and pain was given to keep the secret and the secret still exists today beneath it all. I don't want others to see because it's not a show, it's mine and it is what relieves what no one else can see or feel. I don't know if this is making any sense but I know what I am trying to say. I hate this but it is what makes me know I am alive. It makes me have a way to relieve what builds and builds so that it doesn't swallow me. Does anyone hear me? I

[sujunew]

((((((((((purplesecrets))))))))))
I hear you. I hide my SI but unfortunately the scars are so widespread some are unable to be hidden. It is definitely not for show; it IS to feel alive, and to feel the physical pain of what is inside. Sometimes it would be nice to allow someone else to acknowledge the pain you are in, but that would mean opening up your most vulnerable thoughts, feelings and emotions and that is scary and something you can only do when YOU are ready and strong enough to face it. Until then we can only wish for someone to see how much we need that acknowledgement that we are not doing great and that we are hurting and that we would like someone to care without having to explain why
TAKE CARE.

[Rapunzel]

Yes, purplesecrets, I hear you, and what you are saying makes sense. Most self-injurers hide what they do, and I think for very similar reasons. It particularly makes sense for trauma survivors, who have had to keep the secret of the abuse, and now keep the secret of their self-abuse. It's something that you can control. But do you really want to be an abuser, even if you yourself are your only victim? There are other ways to have power. You never have to tell anyone that you don't want to, but I do hope that you can get help so that you can start living a life free of abuse of any kind.

TC,
Rap

[Talulah]

I am hearing you and i hide too......

I understand the hiding and the reasons. Know that those SI reasons were a way to deal with the overwhelming feelings and emotions stemming from something painful. To know you still feel & you're alive, I get that too.

I hide my SI, i hide it and lock it away just like all the bad things that've happened and on some level I believe I deserve the pain of the SI. I always like the secret of seeig my frame in a state of "hurt". This is the negative effect of hidden and secret abuse and we are still letting it take hold of us.....I fight like hell in my head every day to challenge whether I deserve this or not, then I can read a post like yours, be able to relate perfectly and then also be able to say: you don't deserv this pain. You were wronged by others and they crippled your defenses and your mind is muddle with their nonsense....

I hope you know you're not alone and that you can fight this...

Thank you irishsj, Rapunzel,and Talulah for your words. I know what I do is not good for me but at the same time it is also what I know. Hurting serves several purposes for me that I sometimes don't think straight in my head. It is a relief that seems the only way I can get feelings to stop. Pressure builds and builds until I can't take it. I feel that if I hurt first, it will stop the pain of anything else that comes. Then somehow it is my fault so that I have a choice in the decision of being hurt. When someone else hurts first, then I don't have the control over what happens. Somehow, if it's my decision, then there's at least some sort of answer as to why. Hiding this somehow gives me the right to face the world so that no one else knows. Anyway, thank you again for hearing me. It feels so alone out here but knowing you all are here helps.

[Talulah]

We are always here and we will fight with you....

[Rapunzel]

That is what we are here for - so that none of us has to be out there alone anymore. Here, we can find understanding because someone else has been there too.

If you can have control by hurting yourself first, maybe you can move from there to having control by keeping yourself safe from hurt. Sometimes something will happen that will hurt, but it doesn't have to be often or all the time anymore. You do have more control now.