[tealBumblebee]

I have this overwhelming urge to od tonight. I will not go to a hospital. Period. It's why I haven't contacted my T, because I know that's what she would recommend. I don't intend to kill myself, and I won't take all of those pills. But i've taken a few. What does it mean when you don't want to die but play this game - this sort of russian roulette of 'how many can I get away with'? I don't see myself taking another one and if push comes to shove i'll flush the pills as i've done that before. I've OD'd in the past in a legitimate attempt to kill myself and had no medical treatment or anything. So, I know i'm not going to die. I guess thats why I don't fear taking them. But I know not to take the whole bottle. I just need to find the will to stop. I'm not really asking for support, or help because again, I will not (I know myself well) take the whole bottle. I just want to know why I'm doing this so I can find the will to stop it. This doesn't even make sense. Everything seems to be going so well, why am I trying to ruin it? I just explained to T last session (a few days ago) that I'm not suicidal, or depressed. She said I sound lonely and am withdrawing. I told her I don't feel like that, I just don't want to be around people. I told her that I felt like I'm "done" with life (in a non suicidal way). Like....i'm just waiting for the party to end so I can go home. I made the decision like a month ago not to kill myself so if I did take the bottle (100% chance I won't) I would get help but thats not an issue. The issue is why did I take any of the pills in the first place?

[sideblinded]

(((tealBumblebee)))

You could be your own therapist if you wanted to be. You have rationalized your own thinking and you already know why you are doing what you are doing. So what can I tell you? Only what you already know. Your T said you sound lonely but you don't want to be around anyone either. So maybe you are putting up your own walls to protect yourself in some way. When you figure that out with your T, you will have solved most of your problems.

I hope you stay practical and intelligent!

[Little Jay]

[ThisWayOut]

only you can really answer that question... but since it's on this forum, maybe it's taking the place of your cutting in the moment - hurting yourself without the intent to kill yourself? Maybe it's pushing your own limits? Or maybe it's a conversation opener for soemthing you need to address with T? I dunno. just thoughts.
Hope you are not feeling too ****** from it this morning...

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by sideblinded

(((tealBumblebee)))

You could be your own therapist if you wanted to be. You have rationalized your own thinking and you already know why you are doing what you are doing. So what can I tell you? Only what you already know. Your T said you sound lonely but you don't want to be around anyone either. So maybe you are putting up your own walls to protect yourself in some way. When you figure that out with your T, you will have solved most of your problems.

I hope you stay practical and intelligent!

Thank you. I almost feel like maybe i'm trying to knock down some walls that I didn't mean to put up so high?

Originally Posted by Little Jay

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

only you can really answer that question... but since it's on this forum, maybe it's taking the place of your cutting in the moment - hurting yourself without the intent to kill yourself? Maybe it's pushing your own limits? Or maybe it's a conversation opener for soemthing you need to address with T? I dunno. just thoughts.
Hope you are not feeling too ****** from it this morning...

Thanks for the thoughts. I took a couple more after this post but went on chat for a distraction and I think that helped me from going overboard and then eventually I couldn't fight it anymore and fell asleep from them. Gratefully I don't feel bad this morning. Maybe i'm going crazy but I actually woke up feeling better than I have been in a while. Like I had gotten the best rest I have in a while. You make a good point about it being a possible substitution for cutting. I'm not sure I want to tell T about it though ....don't want her to worry about si when thats not the case... Anyways it was dumb but the way I see it, even if I wanted to overdose in the future to that point, now I have that many less pills to do it with and my "stash" is no longer an effective amount. Maybe I saved myself a little bit...

[ThisWayOut]

Maybe part of it was knowing you needed rest but didn't know how else to really get it?
Telling T would probably worry her, but also open up the conversation. There's still enough stuff going on to get you to the point of needing to hurt yourself in one form or another. That *usually* means there's more to talk about... Could you preface telling T that is is not SI, but that you are not quite sure why you were doing it?

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I get that way when I want to numb myself.

Ten years ago when it was a daily, weekly, monthly thing for me to od on sleeping pills I had no idea why I was doing it and tbh, I didn't care. I never took the whole bottle but I took a crap load. I actually forgot about that time in my life, or blocked it out mostly. I was just reading an old journal last night and I was thinking, "wow. I was lucky nothing really bad happened to me or anyone else." I used to drive around, od, drink beer, SI, and wake up wondering what I did the night before. :-(

I'd like to say that I am past all that but recently I had a "crisis" in my life and I went back to ALL of my bpd behaviors. I mean all of them... anyway. I think it might be to numb yourself. For me, sleeping hours on end was the closest thing I could get to death.

[tealBumblebee]

Thanks. I could use the "needed rest" excuse but i've felt that way before and this was not like that. To be honest, i'm less worried about worrying T because I think she can't handle it vs. her being so worried that she can't trust me to make safe decisions that she contacts my emergency contact (its that or admitting to hospital and quite frankly - admission sounds better than my mom knowing). I was definitely numb - which she knows, so...maybe. The thing is - nothing is going on. I have nothing to talk about. I'm not depressed. Or sad. Or anything. But...the time I legitimately attempted I wasn't either...so thats not really telling. I really want to tell her so I can talk through it and make sense of it and be 100% honest as always, but I get mad even thinking about her contacting anyone so maybe it's best to wait a couple weeks (as opposed to 48 hours later)...