Is this yet another form of my self harming?? **Trigger**

I do many things which I will acknowledge as being self harming. I cut and I hit and I bruise myself and I burn, but more recently I think I am allowing my husband to do things to me despite me not wanting to, but me letting him. Not his fault, but mine, so I guess I would call it another form of my self harming.

I currently cant stand the thought of having sex or being sexual in any way whatsoever, as I am really having trouble dealing with the issues surronding my childhood (I was sexually abused by two other childen for around 2 years when I was 8) as I am having to talk about stuff with my councellor that I really thought I had hidden in my head and locked away.

Despite this and despite me telling my husband that I am not interested in sex at the moment and the reasons behind it, if he tries coming on to me in bed, I just let him. He asks if I am ok with it and even though inside I am screaming "NO NO NO" I allow him to do what he likes, even if it hurts me like hell.

I wish I had the strength to say NO, but I dont, I just let it happen over and over again, and every time it happens I end up cutting myself more and more in an attempt to make myself undesireable to him I guess and to punish myself for being so useless and weak.

I sometimes wish I had the courage and strength just to end it all, then I wouldnt have to be like this any more.

it could possibly be another form of self harming or you just cant bring yourself to say no out loud...which is perfectly fine because i know vocalizing emotions is very very difficult especially in that situation...id say yes but i guess it depends on others dictonaries....you know what i have done with my boyfriend...he told me tell him when i feel like cutting or i cant stand to have sex ( i cant either at times but for a reason i dont know ) i tap him on the cheek a few times....just with my pointer finger...at first he told me to tell him but i couldnt bring myself to tell him...ended up getting frusterated and would cut more....well he figured that out...so we devised a plan where no neccessary vocal communication was needed...and everytime i tapped him on the cheek he would stop and just lay down with me and hold me and we would watch some tv....try it....it might work ...talk to him about it when your feeling less affected and brave....at least try it...so when he is coming on to you in bed poke him in the face...something real weird like that...dont say i will just blink my eyes or cough....thats an average normal action and he might get mixed signals...but try it and see what happens and how you feel afterwards....good luck pm me if you need me....Love, Inny

I don't know if I would consider it self injury but it could have an effect on how well therapy works. Have you talked about this issue with your T. You may want to do that and see what they think you should do. Also if you are having a hard time telling him how much it hurts you you could write it down and give it to him or your T. You could also see if your counselor would have a session with you and him and have them help you tell your husband. That way you are in a safe environment and have someone there to help get it out of you.

These are just some suggestions. I know this is really hard for you but I do think keeping this from him is just going to cause more pain for you and could cause even more problems within your relationship.

I hope this helped some.

Good luck and try to take care of yourself.

No matter what happens though we will be here for you if you ever need or want to talk.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

i can see your problem. do u think that removing yourself from the situation in which intimacy would arise would help? your hubby does not wantt o hurt you and you should try to get across to him in the easiest way possible what u do not want him to do
inys ideas r good, listen to them, and if u casn pluck up the courage, try it. keep in mind that u shouldnt have to put up weith the things you dont want. and that u dont deserve to be hurt. it could b that u wanna b punished coz u feel that u deserve it. i tell u now missy, wwhoever u r at the time, u dont! talk to me anytime if u need support even tho i suck, heh stay safe! self

I would go for that look or sign of saying "yes" or "no" for you.

The sign for "sorry, No" could be grabbing his hand and wrapping it around you as to say I just want to be held - assuming that is comfortable for you...

I've always believed in personal communication in the form of sign or look - just never practiced it myself - wish I had...

I see it as being another form, or maybe you're feeling how you feel about saying NO isn't right? I just remember the one time I had sex it hurt really bad but yet I didn't stop because I knew my boyfriend wanted it and plus it hurt, so I didn't bother to stop it. It might be another form.