[Achy Turtle Armor]

Possible trigger:

SI, SU, DRUGS

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I'm finding it odd that I don't feel comfortable cutting around my dogs. I don't remember this being an issue in the past with another dog I had. I think that some of it is that if I'm at home and they're awake, they stare at me. I don't want them to see what I'm doing to myself. I don't know if it is shame or what. So when I cut myself now I go out to my car and leave them in the house.

I just left work and I've parked in some random parking lot to cut. The other problem I'm having is these shallow cuts aren't doing it for me anymore. I need more to numb myself. I'd really like to take some pills to numb myself but I promised my therapist that I'd leave the pills alone. He'd rather me "cut than play with fire." I was taking a lot of pills. Of course he'd rather me just sit with my feelings but things are going so bad for me now that when I try to just sit with them my mind starts drifting towards thoughts of suicide. I suppose this is the lesser of the 3 evils.

[junkDNA]

one time when i was SIing i locked my beloved cat in the bathroom. i didnt want him to see me doing that. i understand ur feelings about ur dogs. it prob seems weird but i liken it to caring for my cat (who died last yr ) like i would a child and i didnt want him to see me hurting myself

[i dont matter]

I know that after I cut - my dogs tend to do a lot **sniff** around the area that I cut (under my clothes). I am guessing they can smell blood and their instincts somehow tie that to eating?.?.?

Bug - BIGGER point - if having your pet around prevents you from self harm - then maybe it is time to super glue the pet to you

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

one time when i was SIing i locked my beloved cat in the bathroom. i didnt want him to see me doing that. i understand ur feelings about ur dogs. it prob seems weird but i liken it to caring for my cat (who died last yr ) like i would a child and i didnt want him to see me hurting myself

I'm sorry about your cat.

I think you're right about them being like children. They seem a little bit odd when I am crying out loud. Like confused or maybe they can tell I'm sad. I dunno. They're both asleep next to me right now. I love them.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

I know that after I cut - my dogs tend to do a lot **sniff** around the area that I cut (under my clothes). I am guessing they can smell blood and their instincts somehow tie that to eating?.?.?

Bug - BIGGER point - if having your pet around prevents you from self harm - then maybe it is time to super glue the pet to you

That's funny.

Yes. They can smell blood.

[FallingTears]

"I don't matter" is often funny!! He clearly should be called "I DO matter"

Maybe you are bothered by the dogs watching you because you've evolved to a position where u can see yourself cutting as an outsider, and are starting to REALLY not want to deep down? Maybe yr starting to feel compassion for yourself - and seeing yr actions through your dogs' eyes is part of seeing yourself as others do? Most people would want to help rather than watch u cut....they might be yr new voice of reason? (Just a thought - u did say you're really depressed, so perhaps not....)

Have u told the dr you need to cut more to get relief these days? I know it's obvious, but cutting more can't be a great plan.... And suicide is (apparently) not a sensible option for depressed people.. (Big sigh.... )

Super glue is a brilliant plan if all else fails!

Take care

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by FallingTears

Have u told the dr you need to cut more to get relief these days? I know it's obvious, but cutting more can't be a great plan.... And suicide is (apparently) not a sensible option for depressed people.. (Big sigh.... )

I think you have some valid points. At my last T appointment I did show him my arm but we didn't discuss it much further. I will tell him about the dog thing and about feeling that I need more. Just so he knows. I tell him when I'm wanting to die too because it is a good indicator of how I'm doing. We've discussed these things so much that unless there's something new it is just a matter of me reporting how I'm doing. I don't know if that makes sense.

[FallingTears]

That makes perfect sense!
And wanting to cut more could be the same as wanting to drink more... Eventually 3 drinks becomes 6 and so on...
Do you discuss WHY you want to suicide/ cut?
Do u need said therapist to respond MORE rather than just get the update?
(That's the impression I get from what you've written. Please don't think I'm criticizing yr therapist! I hate wen anyone says anything bad about mine because I can't imagine where Id be without him! They can only work with what we give them!)
I'm still hoping you'll discover that the staring dogs is your new "cutting conscience" helping u to stop!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I don't think I need a long discussion each time but I understand your concern. I appreciate you saying that you aren't criticizing my therapist. I think I'm a bit touchy with that. It's funny, I'm actually "looking" for an old recording of my therapist talking about my cutting. He was asking me if I would cut or destroy the tree outside the window. It was a great conversation but I don't remember it all and I felt the need to hear it today. I do discuss the why's. Mostly it is the fact that my brain is telling me that I am a failure, unlovable, and that disappearing is the answer. I believe that my therapist is right that they are lies but in the depths of my depression I can't think clearly like I am now.

I think I need to tell him how I feel that at night I turn into a different person. I did tell him at my last appointment that I don't want him to see or ask about my cuts because I feel shame. At the same time I want him to see and ask. I guess I need to know that he cares. He reminded me that he isn't judging me.

[FallingTears]

Sounds like you have a great therapist...
All you can do is keep on going to appts and trying to get well....
It is SO HARD so often!
Hope u find the recording!

[Bewilderbeest]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

... Mostly it is the fact that my brain is telling me that I am a failure, unlovable, and that disappearing is the answer. I believe that my therapist is right that they are lies but in the depths of my depression I can't think clearly like I am now.

I think I need to tell him how I feel that at night I turn into a different person. I did tell him at my last appointment that I don't want him to see or ask about my cuts because I feel shame. At the same time I want him to see and ask. I guess I need to know that he cares. He reminded me that he isn't judging me.

Sounds like you have a good therapist, but you do need to remember that therapists care but need to remain somewhat detached.

And you aren't unlovable or a failure. I know you can't accept that right now, but it needed saying.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Thanks for your response. It's also true that they need to keep up the boundaries, especially with someone like me. He was saying that sometimes he can loosen them (boundaries) to lighten up the session but if he's not careful he can cause more harm than good.

I was listening to the last appointment today at work when I was feeling really stressed. I always get something that I missed the first time. Today I realized that he wants me to bring up the SI so that I am the one bringing it out and "making it real" with my words. I think that way he can remain detached too.

[FallingTears]

It's very cool that you get to record yr sessions!
Only a very competent and confident therapist would allow that!

i'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. please look after yourself; your body and mind are very precious

[Boo]

I hit my head to hurt myself, but my dog gets really upset with me and tries to get in between me and the wall. She is my best friend.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

I know that after I cut - my dogs tend to do a lot **sniff** around the area that I cut (under my clothes). I am guessing they can smell blood and their instincts somehow tie that to eating?.?.?

I know with my dog she can sense when I'm sad and will usually come over and start nudging me to pet her. As for sniffing... mine will lick given half the chance (part of why I cover up) and I think it's more of a pack thing rather than a 'eat' thing. Dogs saliver has a natural antiseptic to it apparently (so I'm told)... I know it stings when she does.

[TheHiddenAngel]

I don't self injure near my dog but he definitely knows when I've relapsed. He gets very protective and every noise I make makes him sort of 'go off' on those around me.