[muse]

So I've realized that everything I do, everything I'm "going through" is all for attention (or is for the most part). Just got through scratching up my upper thighs with a small exacto knife (the same one I used during my first round of "serious" SI, though honestly you couldn't call it "serious"--this time around it's even more mild), and as I was whipping the blade over my skin I was trying to figure out why I was doing it. I'm really not in any emotional pain, my life is, overall, as close to perfect as any human being could hope to get, my relationships with people are good and better... so why?

And I figured it out. It's 'cause I want attention. I want to be screwed up so I'll have an excuse not to do the things I don't want to do, so I can have a reason, and (I guess this is more subconscious, because consciously I don't really want this, at least in terms of my "issues"), so I'll get attention. So I'll be "special" and "unique" again.

Feel free to be utterly disgusted with me. I know I would be if I felt anything at all towards myself, but I'm always oddly calm and distant when I SI.

All my other self-destructive behaviors, even more than the cutting, are all for attention; not doing my work, staying up late, picking at skin/pimples/scabs, procrastination, posting here, etc. etc. It's really pathetic, actually. Even my attitudes towards other people, my trying to be kind and selfless--that's all just because I want to be well-liked, because I want to hear people talking about me in a positive way, even looking up to or admiring me. I fantasize about getting a dreadful disease so I can look like some kind of brave hero.

Geeze. I guess I have my "excuse" for therapy. It just sucks that it's exactly the same reasons that the girl who manipulated and abused me had. She just wanted attention, too. So I am just like her in the end. Wow.

God, this is all really incredibly disgusting. For all of those out here with significant issues, for those of you actually fighting for something and not just being horribly selfish, I am so sorry. Even this post is just attention-getting.

What the h3ll do I want?

[Greenleaves]

I worry that I do that same thing muse. I worry that everything I do is for attention, but then someone told me we all need attention.

The question is, why do I need so much attention?

I think it's great you recognize you do things for attention. It shows a lot of insight. Some people do the same things but never realize this.

You're hurting when you need attention and that's valid. (((((muse)))))))

The trick is in finding ways to sooth oneself and give oneself the attention one needs.

If you feel like some attention, don't be afraid to just ask for some instead of harming yourself.

If you need hugs, just ask me anytime.

((((((((muse))))))))

there must be a reason u want the attention
and there has to be another way around it
you will find a way
do not feel ashamed
we all do things that arnt the best way to get to the end result
whatever works at the time

stay strong muse

[sujunew]

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muse said:
as I was whipping the blade over my skin I was trying to figure out why I was doing it. I'm really not in any emotional pain, my life is, overall, as close to perfect as any human being could hope to get, my relationships with people are good and better... so why?

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Even though you feel you are in no emotional pain and that everything is great at the mo, could it be that whatever worries/anxieties/issues you may have are 'blocked' away in your subconscious and that the SI is the way that your conscious continues to deal with them? I know that this is the case for me, altho I do not do the SI for attention- quite the opp. I freak out if anyone were to see what I have done, and I am totally ashamed of my scars. Just out of interest, have you done the sanity score? I know that it is not at all scientific and 'for fun' but maybe that could give you further insight as to where things are for you right now, and maybe why.
(((((muse)))))

[Rapunzel]

Attention, approval, appreciation, nurturing, etc. are all legitimate needs. There is a reason that you feel you need to be destructive to get those needs met. Maybe in the past you didn't get recognition when you tried in functional ways. I hope that you can learn how to ask for these things in better ways, and also to receive comfort without getting hurt.

You're not alone. I have a lot of the same motivations a lot of the time. And I really don't care that it hurts me, but it does bother me if it hurts anyone else. One of the points that my T keeps trying to make is that it doesn't only hurt me, even when I think it does. What do you think?

Muse, maybe you can try being accepting of your need for attention or your fear of the future. Can you nurture that part inside that needs to be noticed. I think if you can, your need for SI will lessen

[mlpHolmes]

Hi Muse ! Please remember we are here for you. To cheer you on to a positive path!! If you need attention that's ok, we care so much about you. No need to feel shame here! I'm so glad you wrote & told us about your feelings. I hope it felt good for you to express yourself to people who genuinely care about you. Lots of Love!

[muse]

Oh, guys... ALL of you are so incredibly, incredibly kind to post such uplifting words. You're the best all of you... I cannot thank you enough. Here on PC, I feel safe sharing even the stuff I keep from everybody else, because even if I am upset by what I post, I know it'll be okay to just let it out with you all. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

As to some of your inquiries...
The wierdest part: the last thing on earth that I want is for somebody to discover my SI, which is why I'm hiding it as best I can. My conscious self knows that this method is ineffective, but subconsciously I think it holds more weight.

I've taken the sanity score test: my score was 105, if I remember correctly.

The problem with my brain and the way it works is that I've wired myself into this vicious cycle (which I finally managed to pin down today, thanks to some soul-searching brought on more than just a little by all of your compassion) that goes something like this, in it's most watered-down form:

Used to be "unique", "special", "outstanding", etc. without really trying-->As work required to maintain being "special" increased, emotional maturity fell behind (possibly caused in part by "abusive" relationship)-->grades began to fall, other symptoms (anxiety, possible ADD, depression) cropped up-->mediocrity/failure-->hopelessness, "I can't" attitude about life, extremely low self-esteem-->anxiety over/inibility to do work-->mediocrity/failure-->hopelessness, "I can't" attitude...

The bolded stuff is the actual cycle, the other stuff is what I think led up to it. One of my biggest problems, I think, is that I know EXACTLY what is going on inside my head--I have no place to hide from myself or why I'm doing what I'm doing. That hurts a lot, sometimes.

Again, THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOO MUCH for your kindness!!! I can't express how much I appreciate all of your words and encouragements.
luck, love&amp;many thanks,
~muse

[Christina86]

((((((((((muse))))))))))))

I understand how you feel, wish I could help.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((((Muse))))))))))))))))))
Everyone has different reasons for SI, and just because you may not know exactly why you do it ... well that doesn't mean that you don't have a good reason. I often worry that the reason i use to SI was for attention too ... but then you have to think, well why do i need this attention? This could be from many things .. neglect, abuse, or any sort of emotional difficulties or indifferance. But you really don't need to "jusify" why you're SI'ing ... its something that you do to help deal with things - whether it be on a conscious or unconscious level. And you know what, it doens't make you a bad person, and you CAN get through this. Talk about how you're feeling with your T ... talk about why you dont exactly know why you're SI'ing .. they can help, and thats what they are there for.

Be easy on yourself and know that you can get through this.
Jacq

[muse]

Don't have a T yet... hopefully meeting with one before May. XP It seems a long way away, and I'm a little afraid that I'll have lost the courage to talk to her by then.

But hey, I can always come back here for a spirit boost! Thank you, Christiana and Jacq. You're both so very kind.