[muse]

... at all. I mean, I should. Last night was the first time in quite a while (years, if you don't count that one night a few months ago) that I actually got out a knife (first a key, 'cause I couldn't find my exacto knife) to hurt myself and broke the skin. There's a nice long scratch on my left hand now, which I enjoy having, weirdly, as well as a couple on my left elbow. If it hadn't hurt so much, my wrists would probably be sliced up quite well too, which is something I've never turned to before. I don't think I actually want to die--I believe this really is just a cliche "cry for help" as it were. I found the vein and everything, too... but it hurt too much to cut it. Yay for natural inhibitors, I guess. And I honestly don't feel that bad or care, really. I know what most of you will say in response to this (I think) and while I greatly appreciate it, it's kind of funny that I STILL don't think of SI as particularly "wrong" or "bad" when it comes to me, especially in the moment I'm doing it. I guess I feel a bit ashamed, coming here to admit it (which is why it's a good thing), but I'd rather promote the behavior within myself.

Does anybody else feel like they'd rather fail than try, that they'd rather be hurt and messed up than admit they need to be healed? Bleh, I just don't know.

argle bargle,
~muse

[Rapunzel]

Sometimes I do feel that way too, but I'm glad that you didn't do worse. Somehow it doesn't seem like it's that bad if I'm the one doing it, but I feel bad for you that you hurt that much. Want to talk about any of the feelings that made you want to hurt like that? You're welcome to PM if you would prefer.

Rap

[muse]

You, Rapunzel, are truly sweet. I'm really fine, actually, which is the sad part. Sometimes I just get really... bad, you know? Everything sort of hits me at once and that's all I can think of to do. Almost like "I'll show them", almost like something else, almost like relief. Weirdly, the last thing on earth I want right now is relief or to fix it--it's like if I have an actual, big fat problem, somehow that'll make things... okay?

BLERGH. I dunno. I thought I had myself all figured out. I just hate making my parents upset, and I hate not being able to work like I used to. :|

Thank you so much for your kindness,
~muse

P.S. PM me whenever--I'm generally here!

[Rapunzel]

Okay, yeah, that sounds pretty familiar too. But then why might you need to have a big problem in order to make things okay? Is it not okay to be okay? If you don't mind me using myself for an example, that did turn out to be the case for me. I feel like I have to have a problem in order for anyone to care about me. My mother likes being a caretaker, and wasn't interested in letting her children grow up and be healthy. Those that do get rejected. Things start to make sense. I wonder if you have some similar motives going on in your life too.

[Christina86]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
muse said:
Does anybody else feel like they'd rather fail than try, that they'd rather be hurt and messed up than admit they need to be healed? Bleh, I just don't know.

argle bargle,
~muse

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Yep yep.

Sorry I dont have any words of wisdom, but I understand.

((((((((((((muse)))))))))))))

[muse]

Thank you both so much... I truly appreciate your kind words, Christina, and your ability to make me think, Rapunzel.

As to my motives... my triggers lie within myself and my inability to cope with feelings of failure, emotional pain and frustration. If those get bad enough (often made far worse by an outburst from a parent) I'll SI. Honestly, I can't say it's been long since I've SI... I'll bite, hit, and stab myself with blunt objects just because bruises and small scabs are SO much easier to explain, not to mention I sometimes get really anxious before bed. I'll try to make myself stay up, even if I really want to sleep, almost as punishment for the work I haven't finished (I think... maybe?). Part of it might also be out of a desire for drama in my life; I am kind of an attention *****, and with no outlet for that (my grades aren't good enough for my parents to let me do plays), I guess that might be a factor too. It's kinda sad that I've gotten so good at figuring out ways to keep hurting myself without people asking questions.

So maybe that's why it's "not okay to be okay", as you put it, Rapunzel. You know what, though... I love getting attention, but I often deflect it away from myself, especially when I need it most. I am an extremely mild person, and saying something bad about other people or getting what I want (and possibly deserve and/or need) from them is really rare for me. So maybe that's it... I've been in situations where really messed up people have received tons of attention from me, so perhaps subconsciously I believe that if I'M that wacky I'll have an excuse to take a little more for me (thought I don't really need it, truthfully).

WEIIIIRRRDD... but thanks again for the good think.
~muse

[Christina86]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
muse said:
So maybe that's why it's "not okay to be okay", as you put it, Rapunzel. You know what, though... I love getting attention, but I often deflect it away from myself, especially when I need it most. I am an extremely mild person, and saying something bad about other people or getting what I want (and possibly deserve and/or need) from them is really rare for me. So maybe that's it... I've been in situations where really messed up people have received tons of attention from me, so perhaps subconsciously I believe that if I'M that wacky I'll have an excuse to take a little more for me (thought I don't really need it, truthfully).

WEIIIIRRRDD... but thanks again for the good think.
~muse

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hey, I understand that completely ... that's how I feel!



It seems you've got a good handle on what's up with you and causing you to SI, so I hope you can find other methods to cope in time.

[muse]

I'm hoping to find a decent T who can help me figure out how to cope... I know what's going on, but I can't seem to do a durn thing to fix it.

(((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))
Nice to know I'm not alone, though. Thank you.

~muse