[secretgalaxy]

Thankfully I'm 18 or else she was going to tell my mom that I was SIing again. I don't think she can do that as long as they do not need medical attention, she can't say anything. She was going to tell my mom because she forgot I wasn't a minor anymore, but she is still talking to her supervisor about it. That really makes me angry because my old T would never say anything for SI. I don't think I can trust her anymore. This is just stupid...

[tealBumblebee]

If you are not self harming to the point of needing medical attention, then I would be a bit concerned about T threatening to tell your parents. Also, the fact that she can not respect you as an adult (going to seek supervision) is understandable as to why you would lose trust in her.

Did you guys have an agreement that she would tell your parent if she found out? Did she find out or did you tell her? What was her main concern in wishing to contact outer sources? Was it a bad episode?

[secretgalaxy]

I was hospitalized in January for SUI, but I wasn't SIing then. We had no agreement about telling outside sources and I told her about it, she didn't find out by herself. I shouldn't have assumed that she would be like my old T with SI.

The biggest reason why she is worried is because my old T didn't tell my mom about anything. (how it should be) But when I started having serious Suicidal thoughts, she waited too long to tell my mom and that caused me to be hospitalized. So now my new T wants to keep my mom in the loop about what's going on with me, but she realized she can't now that I'm an adult. I'm scared that her supervisor will make an exception with me and that can't happen. I've been SIing for 7 years and I haven't been "caught" caught. This is really rioting up my anxiety and making me feel terrible. I don't see her again until Thursday of next week... And there may be the dreaded phone call before then. Ughhh....

Personally this is my worst episode yet, but she didn't ask to see them so she doesn't know that. I told her that I have upgraded my tool to something a little more dangerous but as long as she didn't see them she can't tell how bad they are.

[tealBumblebee]

Perhaps your T is worried that it will have gone too far? I think when it comes to the line of safety and confidentiality it is a hard position for a T. My own has told me a few times that she was on the border of contacting someone. I think that if your T has not seen the scars that it does seem that she is reacting quickly - buuut if the tool is one that could cause serious harm or you have an extensive history of hospitalizations due to self harm then I can understand her concern. I think she is in a tough position, but I think that if she is going to "tell on you" without discussing with you honestly and in good detail (understanding both your own intentions and her concerns) then I can understand why you would lose faith/the ability to trust and speak openly with her.

[secretgalaxy]

I have only been hospitalized once for suicidal thoughts not self harm and the cuts I do are not bad. I was willing to show her if she asked but now not so much. She may think that it is bad seeing how she reacted....

Her biggest concern was that she doesn't want me to slip back to the point of hospitalization. But she still didn't talk to me to really know where I'm standing. I strongly feel she is reacting a bit too strong for me.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

I have only been hospitalized once for suicidal thoughts not self harm and the cuts I do are not bad. I was willing to show her if she asked but now not so much. She may think that it is bad seeing how she reacted....

Her biggest concern was that she doesn't want me to slip back to the point of hospitalization. But she still didn't talk to me to really know where I'm standing. I strongly feel she is reacting a bit too strong for me.

Would you be able to contact her before next week and explain how you are feeling?

[secretgalaxy]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

Would you be able to contact her before next week and explain how you are feeling?

Only through phone call and I can't talk on the phone unless it is close close friends and family because of my anxiety. I told her that I will never call her or answer when she is calling to remind us (mom and me) about my appointment. My mom answers the phone for me. There's no other way to reach her, and personally I don't want to talk to her anyway.

[tealBumblebee]

*hugs* That is a really tough position to be in and hard to hold on to for such a long time. Is there anyway that you think that she won't tell? I have a feeling that the supervisor will likely advise her against telling without having seen the degree of the scars, but you never know. Is there anyway that you could discuss this with your mother? Would she be receptive to listening? Also, do you think that you are unraveling? Would contacting your mom actually be a good thing? I hope she decides to try talking to you before contacting her. How long have you been seeing her and how well does she know you?

[Nammu]

It sounds to me like the T might not trust what you say since your last T did and you ended up hospitalized. Ts have a responsibility to keep thier clients safe and although you say it's only SI she may be concerned it's more than that.

[secretgalaxy]

I really don't want my mother involved because I don't want to stop at the moment. I'm fine with my coping skill and I don't care that others see it as bad.

My mother, while she is a very good one and I am blessed to have her, doesn't understand much about mental health. I honestly want her to not be a part of my mental health problems whatsoever.

I was truthful about my level of suicidal thoughts and while they have risen, it isn't that bad. But the catch is she only talked about my self harm and was concerned about that. She dropped suicidal thoughts topic very quickly.

I've been seeing her sporadically since February but her scheduling has been terrible. I'm finally seeing her weekly with today being my second session weekly. I didn't even get to see her until after 3-4 weeks of being out of the hospital, which is crazy to me.

I don't think I'm unraveling personally, but I tend to be in denial about a lot of things. This time I think I'm alright though.

She doesn't know me too well, but I did tell her that while I will not bring up a tough topic, any question she asks I will be as honest as I can.

[Nammu]

My thighs, stomach and arms are scared with hundreds of my early coping methods. I would now be so grateful if someone back then had taught me better coping methods back then. No one could have though becouse no one knew until they were serious enough to require medical attention, by then the little SI no longer worked. It's like drugs at first a little works, then you need more and more to get the same benefit.

[secretgalaxy]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

My thighs, stomach and arms are scared with hundreds of my early coping methods. I would now be so grateful if someone back then had taught me better coping methods back then. No one could have though becouse no one knew until they were serious enough to require medical attention, by then the little SI no longer worked. It's like drugs at first a little works, then you need more and more to get the same benefit.

I'm very sorry that that happened. I have been doing it for a long time now as well, and I know a lot of different coping methods I could do instead that my old T told me about, but those don't work exactly like SIing does. I don't know how to explain it but I just don't care to stop at this moment. I also love my scars and one of my triggers is when my scars are fading. You are right that the little cuts don't work anymore and it is like a drug.

Thank you very much for sharing I hope you are doing better now...?