Frustrated

Just needed to vent a bit about this SI thing. I've been cutting for nealrly 8 years. I can go months without doing it, and then, suddenly, it will be all I can think about. Usually I spend a few days obsessing about it - thinking about cutting while I'm at work, or out with people, or some other totally inappropriate time. Eventually, I'll give in, like I did last night. I think, in this case, I was stressed about a situation at work, but sometimes, there's no trigger. I'll just cut for the sake of cutting. It's almost like I'm afraid to lose it - like it won't be there when I need it. I wish I really wanted to stop, but I don't.

I don't have the guts to go to therapy. I keep thinking about it, but I'm afraid that, even if I went, I couldn't talk about cutting. And I have no idea how someone could help me stop. No one knows about my SI or that I'm anything other than perfectly well adjusted. I guess we all have our secrets.

Just wondered about other people's experiences sharing their SI with a therapist. Thanks for letting me ramble.

I ddn't share my SI with my therapist until I really got to know and trust her. But I am glad I did. Now when things get to a point where I have or want to SI I have someone to talk to about it. I hope you keep considering seeing a t. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Take care and stay safe.

BB

starfish - When I first went to T I didn't admit I SI, I said something like I picked at my skin. She let that sit and moved onto something else, Then later in the session when I was slightly more relaxed she asked me what I meant by picking. Then I actually described what I do and that it is more than picking.

I think that you'll find with a good T, they don't focus on the SI or try to make you stop. My T just checks in every couple sessions to see how much I SI and maybe asks one or two more questions about it. Therapists will know the real issue probably isn't the SI, but the trigger.

Try not to be afraid that you can't talk about it. Maybe give yourself permission to not even talk about it at the first sessions. Once you develop trust in someone you can bring it up.

No one else knows I SI besides my T and the pdoc I went to one time. I think that's ok with me for now. I too have a fear of loosing it because sometimes it feels good. That's what our minds do when they need a release and haven't found anything else that works.

I hope you give therapy a try.

Hey ((((((((((starfish)))))))))))))

I didn't tell my first T about the SIng until I had seen her for like 4 months... it took me that long to admit to myself that I had a problem that I wanted to resolve, and also that long to trust her enough to tell her.

I was glad I did. She gave me a contract, that wasn't to NOT SI, but to take some measures to try and lessen the amount of times I actually did it. It actually worked fairly well.

Like it has been said, SI is essentially the end result of a trigger or problem that needs to be resolved. Trying to get someone to quit SIng without having another coping mechanism just won't usually work.

I do hope you'll consider going into therapy, it could be beneficial and you might learn a lot about yourself in the process.

great post, Canders.......xoxoxo pat

Thank you guys. I appreciate all your responses. I know I probably should be talking with someone. It's hard when I have periods of feeling fine, then a few days of feeling bad. I just get absolutely physically ill when I've come anywhere close to making an appointment. Then all the logistics to deal with - talking to a receptionist, dealing with insurance, coming up with a time, etc. stresses me out and....stress makes me want to cut. Then I have the habit of going completely silent when I'm overwhelmed or feeling vulnerable. It just feels impossible. I'll keep thinking about it. Thanks.

Starfish! I think it's really good you vented!! That's how it feels after talking things over with your T! It's good! Therapy is the best you could do for yourself honesty! If you feel you could not talk about cutting initially that's ok, whenever you feel comfortable, it's up to you. No big deal when you are ready. My T knows I really don't want to stop (as you mentioned) but T wants me to stop for health reasons so we have found many coping mechanisms that work for me.
It's hard carrying a huge burden all by yourself (obsessions, secrecy), ask for some support, you'll feel so much better and on to an incredible life.
Good Luck & Let us know how You are doing! Keep in Touch!!

I have found that therapy isn't so much about stopping cutting. My T rarely wants me to talk about cutting at all. Cutting is just a symptom, or a way of dealing with what is going on in your life. Therapy is about dealing with life more effectively, and becoming the person you want to be. Whether the person you want to be includes cutting, or not, is kind-of your decision. It is usually the case that once you feel good about your ability to cope with life, you won't need SI anymore.