Just one big Mess!!!!

I apologies in advance if what I'm going to say upset someone usually I have that affect on people but I hope there's somebody out there that will understand! I can't put in words how I'm feeling right now, once again I'm sitting in self doubt, questioning myself why I'm still breathing I'm so sick and tired of people telling me there's a plan with everything that happens in your life/your time is not His time/be grateful for what you have! I'm grateful that after numerous treatments and operations my cancer is in remission but why do I sit now with a broken mind, messed up, frustrated and angry?

Yesterday my husband and I went to see my psychiatrist silly me, just to be told that I'm still not normal and now I have something new to add to my list I have an obsessive behavior!

I have so much burning scars and what people don't know is that each scar is a reminder of all the 'nice' things people say to me;
Your insane
Your complicated
Your the queen of negativity
Your selfish
Your a bad roll model to your children
Your acting like a child
Your a behavior
Your destroying the people around you
And the list go on and on!

I so badly wanted to burn myself when I got home yesterday because of what was said at the doctors room I felt like crap!! I am like I am because of people

I'm sorry your appointment wasn't more positive. I have a list similar to yours and those things do hurt. My counselor tries to help me put them in a more positive form.

It is good to have someone that can help reframe these comments. If you don't have a good positive person to talk to I suggest you find someone so you can get rid of those negative thoughts.

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Hello Sun-no-Shine: I'm so sorry to read of your struggles. Having had 1 bout with cancer myself, I have some idea of what that is about, although it sounds as though you've had a rougher time than I did.

I sometimes wonder about all of these mental health diagnoses patients get from their pdocs. Although I've been in-&-out of treatment for quite a few years now, none of the professionals I've ever seen has ever given me any kind of diagnosis. They just open the medicine cabinet, so to speak, & say: "Which pill do you want?" Sometimes I feel kind-of cheated by this... like if they would give me some labels, somehow I'd be doing better. But then, at other times, I think perhaps it's just better to not be told I have this diagnosis or that one. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you'd have done better if your pdoc had just kept her / his "obsessive behavior" observation to her / himself.

Personally, at this point in my life, I just keep to myself. No good has ever resulted from me having contact with the outside world. I am married. But, otherwise, I have no family & no friends by choice. I don't recommend this lifestyle. But it is what I have come to & it works for me. I don't believe there is a plan for me. There's only what I've decided to do (or, rather, not do) with my life, based on all of the not-so-great experiences I've had in the past.

It is very hard to be constantly confronted with other people's negativity, and even more so when you're struggling both physically & emotionally. I send warm thoughts your way.

Hi Sun no shine,
How are you now?


I am sorry you have been through so much and really, truly hope you find some hope soon.
Try not to worry about the 'labels' that have been given to you if they are not helpful. Some Pdocs hand them out like sweets while others refuse to give diagnoses to people who want them as they don't want the label to define the person.

I try to accept whatever helps me gain insight which will help me towards recovery or better coping and ignore the rest.

Be kind to yourself as much as you can, YOU deserve it.

Thank you all for the messages and hugs, I do so appreciate it! I've been posting under 'coping with your emotions' these last few days about everything that happened, as I said in the last one I have so many issues I don't know where's the right place to go? I did received helpful information which forums I can post under so here it goes:

I burn myself, I made a promise that I will stop and I was impress with myself that I did not do it after the doctors appointment, I thought I was busy making progress! Until last saturday , with all the hurtful things that was said I did it again! 6 Days ago the ultimatum was given to me change or....... (The sentence was never completed)!

Saturday my mom took me to her doctor, I've caused nerve damage to my wrist! I think my mother wished I was still a child so that she could give me a hiding there and then!!!
All the way back I had to hear how disappointed they are, what's wrong with me, I'm a wife and mother and suppose to be there for my husband and children and not the other way around! She agrees with my husband its all the meds that is making me crazy!!

I asked my husband if that is what he thinks, and he said, yes! He strongly believe that there is only one person that can help me and I must put my faith and trust back into the Lord! The doctors made me believe I have depression, bipolar etc and then they give me all these medicine that's messing with my head, it doesn't work and we waist money on it! Here I am busy changing myself or try to because I don't want to loose my husband and now I've stopped my medication as well, what is next?

I'm so confused why can't I be enough for them just the way I am?

Please be careful about stopping meds, if they aren't tapered off slowly you are likely to feel a lot worse . This is other people's Stuff, your health and well being is not a "waste" of money I'm not sure what meds you've been taking but having depression etc is not a moral "failing" and there are meds which can help

I'm sorry that you hurt yourself You deserve compassion and love and are as worthwhile as anyone, just for being you

Grrrrrrr at the naysayers

Thanks for your post, I do hope you are getting more support here.

As to what your family say, all I can say is GRRRRRR !!!!!!

I'm very sorry your family are so unsupportive.
They may feel helpless and frustrated, but they don't know what you're going through.
I'm sure you do the best you can and that's all it's fair to ask. They don't know about medication, they aren't doctors and if you feel some benefit, however small, that decision should be up to you and a doctor you trust.



Congratulations on not burning after the appointment!!!
I'm impressed too.

After what was said you did something understandable, even if you regret it in some ways. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON!!
You are a part of creation that people have messed up (I mean creation and humankind, not you as the problem). There aren't any simple answers (unfortunately)!

I would be concerned that you stopped medication, especially if you did it quickly. If the doctors are right, especially about the bipolar, it could lead to a deterioration of your mental health and you may need to be careful, and maybe restart it if you see a change for the worse.



(Trigger code used for 'religious' response to previous post from a similar belief system in case some would prefer not to read it)

I really feel for you, you have a lot of pressure on you and self injury is an addictive behaviour, it's really hard to stop, especially under duress. I know that from my own experience, and I'm blessed with Compasionate friends and family.

YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING AND THEREFORE AS WORTHY AS ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING.
No one is perfect but we are all precious, you as much as anyone. :sadhug

Sending all the warmth and hugs I can to a precious fellow person.

Thank you for this Fizzyo and to all I want to believe again and that's what I don't understand He knows my struggles and the pain I'm going through physically and mentally why can't I get better? I know I push my loved ones away with my behaviour, maybe they also not sure how to deal with this but I so badly need my husband and parents to give me a hug and say that they don't know how to help me but they are here for me and they love me no matter who I am!

The pain in my heart is unbearable.......

Sun-no-shine,

I am sorry all of this is going on and that while I have not through what you have I think I've gotten a glimpse of what you are going through and that I wish you the best and send support your way