[Christina86]

131 days today.

Go me, right?

How come I feel like I'm doomed to screw up.

Bad urges these past two weeks or so. Not sure why, just triggers and junk happening in real life that I guess I'm not dealing with as well as I should be.

Not for everyone, but my friend for the past few days has had me under verbal contracts with him to not SI, actually to not do anything that could be harmful or would constitute "not taking care of myself". So no drinking unless I'm with people, have to eat at least one meal, not allowed to have intentional "accidents" that result in harm and no risk-taking and definetely no SI.

I'll admit it, the boy's got a heckuva memory for things... he eliminated all the loopholes.

And because Christina is a good girl and I knew it was in my best interest... I agreed to it. Twice. Once on Friday night that lasted until Saturday, and one on Saturday that goes until tomorrow (Monday at 4pm to be precise hehe)

It doesnt really help though.

Here I am thinking that as soon as tomorrow comes at 4pm, that I'm going to do it. That's bad isn't it. It doesn't stop the bad thoughts or the desire, it just stops the action. I won't do it if it hurts anyone, least of all him for trying to be a good friend.

... I think I'm talking too much, sorry. Waste of time, space and energy I am. Seems to be my entire existence.

Damn, I want to cut right now. Today was so stressful.

Grrrrrrrrrrr...

Or maybe I'll go cry in my corner alone again. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Gotta tell T on Wednesday about what's happened since he saw me two weeks ago. He's not gonna be happy with me. Such a failiure and disappointment that I am.

[beelieving]

Hi canders7,

Hugs to you. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I just had to write to tell you that you’re not a waste of space or energy. I will never forget that you were amongst the first to welcome me here. I too struggle with cyclical SI and understand how it becomes taunting in the worst of times. Stay strong. I’m sending you thoughts of peace and comfort. And I’m so glad you have a friend there who looks out for you.

Be kind to yourself. ~ Bee

[Christina86]

(((((((((Bee))))))))))))

Even if nothing else good happens today... thank you for your message. Really.

It is very good to have you here

[Rapunzel]

Hi Christina,

Just a note to let you know that you are heard. Doesn't it feel at least a little good to know that someone cares enough about you to ask you to be healthy, and to remember all the loopholes? It's rough to give up your coping method though. Are you replacing it with anything healthy that allows you to cope?

Hang on a little longer. I believe in you.

Rap

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((((((Rap)))))))))))

It's nice that he cares about my wellbeing so much, but all I can think is that he's better to care about someone else's wellbeing - someone who actually matters. It's quite good that he eliminated the loopholes though, because knowing me I'd find some way to exploit them.

I really don't have any good coping mechanisms. When I don't SI, I drink, if I don't do that then I don't eat... and if it's bad enough, I'll do all of the above. Getting to be that way.

Ah well. Maybe T will actually help me this time around with this - I don't think he's fond of SI to talk about it ... I do need help though. I know it. <sighs>

Thanks

[Irine]

hey Christina.

listen..have you ever tried TRAINING AND SPORTS?
you know that you can do excercise, and a LOT and tomorrow....you may feel your muscles hurt.. ;-)
but of course not OVERDOING it but doing somethng that will both release your stress in the moment- you can give it a try for me it does, and then when you can`t go on anymore you are so EXHAUSTED that you don`t want to think even. not about SI or anything else. you want to go to bed. i think that physsical excercise can improve your mood because it has a effect on the body.

wow i am getting long sorry.

"... I think I'm talking too much, sorry. Waste of time, space and energy I am. Seems to be my entire existence. "

you know i clicked on your thread thinking "i hope this 1 is not long, i am tired" and when i started reading it i forgot about my tireness,,,, so NO it is not a waste of time, THE ONLY waste of time will be doing harmful things, because then it takes more time to over come again.

come on! you are strong! i know you can make it.
you are just so CUTE
hugs

[beelieving]

Hi canders7,

I know that feeling of unworthiness sooooo well. To receive someone else’s care and concern has always been a huge struggle for me. I’ll share with you something little that has helped me see the light in this. About 9 years ago I was walking to work and I saw a little yellow card lying on the ground. I picked up the crumpled little thing and on the other side in big green type it read:

<font color="green">THANK YOU FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE
AND DOING WHAT YOU DO.

WHO YOU ARE IS WONDERFUL!
AND WHAT YOU DO IS IMPORTANT!!</font>

This little card has been taped to my computer monitor since then. It’s hard to remind ourselves that yes, we do have a purpose in this world. And more often then not we need the love and support of others to help us find what that is. You deserve that love and support.

Lots of hugs. ~ Bee

P.S. Your avatar makes me smile uncontrollably! *lol*

[Irine]

[Christina86]

((((((((ladymacabethadmunsen)))))))))))))))

I'm not really athletic because of the disability and all, but I do know about exercise. I should probably try to drag my lazy butt out more often. It would help.

Thanks

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Bee))))))))))))))

Thank you so much again - that is a good thing to remember. I'm going to have to make sure I print it off and post it somewhere that I see it often. Thank you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now .... SI is not an easy thing to deal with in the least bit.

I know how hard it can be to resist it. I know how much harder it can be to know that you have a deadline, and after that your "free". Only thing is, it doesn't make it any easier unfortunately.

You said that after you wait until you promised your friend you wouldn't hurt yourself, that all you can think about it doing it. Try and think of it this way ... if you do cut, then in a sense, what you've accomplished ... well you're only letting yourself down. I KNOW you have it in you. You are a fighter. In every essence of the word. Hell even with me you fight until you know that i know you care ... haha, and thats what i love about you so much. You have such SUCH a strong ability to care, and i only wish that i could somehow channel that caring back towards yourself.

Think of it as a race ... or a goal moreso. Take running as an example. Actually, well i'll just tell you about how i feel when i'm forced to run. Okay so i'm on the treadmill and i'm running. I'm thinking "oh gosh this is SO boring I hate it so much blah blah" ... and so i look at the clock and i'm like "okay 5 more minutes" and i run for 5 more minutes. Once i reach that i say 5 more, and so on and so on.

I realise that SI is absolutely nothing like running ... and running isn't the only thing that i'm trying to say this this message. I'm just trying to say, keep going with your friend. When you think that you're at your worst just say 5 more minutes. 5 minutes, thats it. If thats too much ... break it down into smaller fragments. Point is, put it off. Don't let yourself give in to it. You are so much stronger than that. They say that you build up your endurance and strength the most when you are at your weakest. It is where you develop character .... where you discover just how much you can take. When you are at rock bottom .... just try and look up. Try and see the good ... focus on the good, push away the bad, just even for a little bit.

But while all that is being said ... try not to be hard on yourself. @*#& happens, and if something does happen where you do SI ... its not the end of the world. You've made it this far now, and if you have to i know that you can do it again if not further. I believe in you so much Christina.

Sorry if i've made no sense, and if my sport rant has come out too much .... its just something that i've grown up doing and sport metaphors have surprisingly helped me a lot, and can apply to anyone, even if you hate sports!

Hang in there, and know that i'm thinking and praying for you
xoxoxo Jacq

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))



Thanks for the hug as always my friend.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((Jacq))))))))))))))))))

You're a wonderful person and friend. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me whine and for always giving such good advice.

I like your sports analogy. I really do, it's so true and great. Thank you my friend.

Always here if you need me

[gostryter]

131! wow - that's quite an accomplishment!!! whether you SI again or not - be proud of that!!! 131! that's not an easy thing!!!

& you are definitely NOT a waste of time, space and energy!

((((((((((((christina)))))))))))))

[Christina86]

133 days as of today - yay. Against all odds.

thanks (((((((((((((((gostryter)))))))))))))))))))

[Irine]

do you feel any better ?