[Christina86]

Have been having a hard time lately - thoughts to SI are running rampant through my head. I've had a couple of my friends tell me (that know about the SI) that if I'm talking about the urge to do it so much ... that I won't do it. That in itself hurts. I talk about it to relieve pressure, but it's not like I'm free of the urge to do it.

Been washing my hands for extended periods of times in hot water. Not scalding, no burning. Just hot enough that it makes the urges stop temporarily. Is that bad? My skin isn't damaged for it. I just really like the prickly feeling from my nerves all going a tad beserk. I need to feel something to make the urges stop.

I can't journal, I can't find any appropriate way to express how I feel lately. If I don't want to SI, I want to drink. If not that, then I want to restrict my food intake.

It's a nasty cycle.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really miss it. It's odd to miss something that I intellectually know is detrimental to my health, but I don't even care about my health (let alone myself) anymore.

I just want the emotional pain and junk to stop.

What I need is a way to not be stressed. Stress is causing the bad thoughts. When I don't do anything about the urge to SI ... my anxiety shoots through the roof. I've had too many anxiety attacks over the past two months.

I can't talk to T very much. He's under the impression that anger isn't a primary emotion (that anger covers for another emotion but is expressed by anger). It makes very little sense to me. I try to bring up the SI, and he did make me do a contract (which was last week, and am not on one now). It's just like delaying the inevitable.

That's a poor attitude, I know.

I know I need to examine what's causing the urge to SI and all that other junk but it seems like this is never going to end.

Does the addiction ever go away - or is it about the day-to-day choosing to not SI?

I feel like I've screwed myself over. I feel hopeless.

And all I want to do is SI. Bah.

166 days today I believe. Phooey.

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((((christina))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry it's so difficult right now!

have you tried holding ice? that might help distract.

i'll write you again later today...i'm still not quite awake!!

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((Christina)))))))))))))))))))) Maybe you can learn some more positive coping skills when you feel so stressed out. You may consider talking about this with your T? It seems you are looking for a better way to cope with all this emotion but have not replaced harmful mechanisms with some more positive ones. Take care and I am impressed with how long you have gone so far.

BB

[Christina86]

((((((((((((gostryter))))))))))))

haven't tried ice... then again, a lot of the time I don't have ice even made. Thanks for the idea though!

((((((((((bipolar_bear)))))))))))))

I wish I could talk about this with my T, but I don't know how to. He's just a new T too, so maybe he doesn't even know. Maybe I just need to stop being such an idiot and actually try to replace the coping mechanisms myself ... it just seems so hard. Thanks BB!

<font color="#000088">It's not really the same for everyone, but Self-harming is so addictive, and it is extremely hard to stop doing. So I do give you a thumbs up for the many days you have gone without! For me personally, my cutting, even though I've been able to go 7 years without cutting, the urges and cravings to cut never went away, they just grew stronger over time. So for me the addiction is still there. And I'm still fighting it with everything I can think of, like coping skills to keep me from acting on those urges, and cravings to cut. I've tried the ice cubes, but since it's not the pain that helps me, that didn't work for me, it's the releasing of blood that helps me. So all I can do is just try to do things like writing, playing the piano, singing, just things I enjoy. And the most important thing is that I keep my hands busy,so I don't get tempted to just do it!
Because my stress level is pretty much through the roof as well, and I was having anxiety attacks back in May & June that were so bad that I was actually passing out from them. My PDoc had to increase the Dose on my Valium to help keep me calm to stop the attacks! So I just try really hard to keep busy as much as possible, if I'm not online, I have T.V. shows picked out that I watch each day. And I go to bed Early! Unless there's a good movie on that I want to see!
But don't give up, it is possible to stop, it just takes a lot of will power, and you have to really be careful about staying away from drugs and alcohol, because if you don't, then you can't think clearly enough to be able to make that decision not to, you may do it on an impulse, while under the infuence!
Best of luck in your fight against this addiction,it's a nasty one but so far your doing a great job!
J</font>

[starfish]

Hey Christina,
This is something I've been thinking a lot about too. I think about cutting a thousand times more than I actually do it. To me, I think the thoughts are more disturbing than when I actually break down and cut - I hate being at work, etc. and all that's running through my mind is how badly I want to cut. I wish thoughts of hurting myself weren't my knee jerk reaction whenever I'm experiencing a negative emotion. I think it argues the fact that this is as much of an addiction as anything else. For me exercise helps - I guess it releases the same endorphins. Whatever works, I guess. Good luck.

(((Canders)))
I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Have you ever taken DBT. I learned much stuff that helped. The urge over time lets up considerably, but I don't go more than two weeks with at least a thought.

try collageing your feelings or even what you want to fell with words cut out of books magazines newspapers old mail junk. Use saftey sizzors and a glue stick. (If severe urge just tear out the words) It helps me to focus on what I want to feel.

[Christina86]

((((((((((Justice))))))))))))

I think I might use some of your suggestions. I do need to keep my hands busy a lot of the time...

((((((((starfish))))))))))))) welcome to PC. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think the thoughts are more disturbing than when I actually break down and cut - I hate being at work, etc. and all that's running through my mind is how badly I want to cut. I wish thoughts of hurting myself weren't my knee jerk reaction whenever I'm experiencing a negative emotion

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ... are you sure we're not the same person? I couldn't have said it better. Thank you so much.

(((((((((((twirls))))))))))))) I haven't done DBT. I don't actually know WHAT my T does. haha. I might try doing that artistic thing... sounds kinda fun. I like artistic stuff.

Thanks (((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))