[Kildesortering]

I have a friend who brings out the absolute worst in me. She self-harms too, but her cuts are far less deep. She tells me that my cuts are "impressive" and that she's "a ***** who can't cut deep enough" and so on.

But then she asked me how to cut deeper. She knows my biggest weakness is that I'm too honest. If people ask me about anything, and I know the answer, I'm probably going to tell them - except very personal information of course.

So... I told her some things she could do to make her cuts deeper. Which I know is really bad. Then I wanted pictures of her cuts, to see the results of what I had told her... and she didn't cut very deep after all. So I thought "okay, I told you all that and you didn't even bother to use it?"

I know I shouldn't have told her anything and I should be glad she isn't cutting deeper. But part of me is just really disappointed. I know it's sick and wrong - but so is self-harm in general, right? - but I can't help but feel like I would actually prefer that she had cut deeper...

Anyway, this person is bringing out a lot of bad stuff in me, and she's constantly trying to make me do drugs with her. Which I will never do, because that's illegal, but she's just such a bad influence in general. And yet, she's a really good friend. I can be myself around her and I can tell her EVERYTHING. She doesn't make fun of my problems or belittle me, she doesn't just scream that I should "get help" every time I tell her a secret.

I wish I could decide that I'm not going to feel like this anymore, but we all know that's not how it works.

I'm also struggling with self harm urges again... I overslept on the last day of school (this semester, other than the exams) and I just feel so lost. I don't know what to do with my life when I don't have school (university) to focus on. I mean, I know I should focus on the exams, but I have to be alone for three weeks now and I'm just really lonely already. I'm too afraid to hang out with friends after school, and I know they don't like me, and all of my family live too far away.

I'm so lonely I'm considering cutting just so I have an excuse to talk to the doctor...

[AmandaBroken]

I won't say I approve of you giving a person hints on cutting deeper. That is careless and reckless. You hold another person's life in your hand. What would you have thought if she did and she died? Self-Harm is never right. But I understand the need to cut. I am a cutter. But I do my best not to encourage others to cut. It's dangerous and habit forming and although there are times I need it I would never encourage others to do it.

I think it may be best if you and she kept some distance. This is a toxic relationship at least from your part, based on what you said. Are you seeing a Counselor/Psychiatrist? If you aren't you need to go back. You need professional help and you need it now.

I am willing to talk to you if you like. Feel free to PM me and we can talk or we can do a Private Chat.

Amanda

[Kildesortering]

Originally Posted by AmandaBroken

I won't say I approve of you giving a person hints on cutting deeper. That is careless and reckless. You hold another person's life in your hand. What would you have thought if she did and she died? Self-Harm is never right. But I understand the need to cut. I am a cutter. But I do my best not to encourage others to cut. It's dangerous and habit forming and although there are times I need it I would never encourage others to do it.

I think it may be best if you and she kept some distance. This is a toxic relationship at least from your part, based on what you said. Are you seeing a Counselor/Psychiatrist? If you aren't you need to go back. You need professional help and you need it now.

I am willing to talk to you if you like. Feel free to PM me and we can talk or we can do a Private Chat.

Amanda

I honestly don't know how I'd feel. I don't want her to die and I talk to her about safety, but a really sick and twisted part of me wants to ruin her so I can feel bad about ruining her. I don't know how to explain it better.

I agree that it is toxic, but she's the best friend I have, and I'm the best friend she has (she told me that). I wish I could somehow fix our friendship so it still had all the great stuff, but none of the toxic stuff.
I used to see a therapist, but I quit. I've been thinking about going back to therapy, but the waitlists are insanely long! The last time I had to wait SEVEN months... and none of my therapists have ever taken my problems seriously. I get good grades, so obviously I can't have any real problems.

[AmandaBroken]

I understand there is a long waiting list. But you need to get on that list. If your cutting is as bad as you say maybe there is a way to get faster help. Maybe you need to go to the hospital and tell them how bad you are doing and maybe they can get you the help you need quicker.

I'm sorry but you need to do something. If she is your best friend, as you say, you would not be doing this to her. You can do what you want to do to yourself but to bring someone down with you is not friendship, caring, or love. It's dangerous.

I get good grades too. I will graduate college next month. Go talk to a Guidance counselor or some teacher. You would be surprised how much help may be available if you let people know what's going on.

If you want to talk my offer is still on the table... PM me if you are interested...

Ok if you truly like this girl you wouldn't want her to cut… even if that meant stopping yourself. If you want a good relationship and if you actually value her as a person you would do what's best for her and put aside any excuses and even stop putting yourself first. You said how you can't handle losing her… well have you ever thought about what she feels?

[Kildesortering]

Originally Posted by DaX15

You said how you can't handle losing her… well have you ever thought about what she feels?

Yes, I've asked her about it. I've told her what I'm doing, straight up, I'm completely honest with her. From what she's telling me, she still wants to be my friend. She doesn't mind all these things. If she had hated it or gotten angry at me, it would've been easier to stop. But she likes being my friend, she says she can tell me everything, and I know she has told me things that she has never told anyone else.

It feels strange, because I know that what I'm doing is weird and wrong, and she knows that too, but neither of us seems to actually feel that it is wrong.

Originally Posted by Kildesortering

Yes, I've asked her about it. I've told her what I'm doing, straight up, I'm completely honest with her. From what she's telling me, she still wants to be my friend. She doesn't mind all these things. If she had hated it or gotten angry at me, it would've been easier to stop. But she likes being my friend, she says she can tell me everything, and I know she has told me things that she has never told anyone else.

It feels strange, because I know that what I'm doing is weird and wrong, and she knows that too, but neither of us seems to actually feel that it is wrong.

So your saying that both of you have no intention of stopping? At the very least don't encourage each other too… Would it be possible for you to get a therapist? Also being honest and straight forward with each other is a good start. Try to be there for her and show her you care. Good luck.

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by DaX15

So your saying that both of you have no intention of stopping? At the very least don't encourage each other too… Would it be possible for you to get a therapist? Also being honest and straight forward with each other is a good start. Try to be there for her and show her you care. Good luck.

I still say you both need to be in Counseling. You are on a destructive path.

[VernonJenkins]

Please seek help.

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by random_emotion

Don't chastise her! Just because the relationship is toxic does not mean she does not care for her. While I don't condone encouraging others to cut deeper all I am trying to say is that relationships can be emotional and you don't know the whole story. My best friend cuts also while I have never encouraged her to go deep we sometimes exchange tips but that doesn't lessen how much I care about her.

I sorry but I don't agree with you. If you care about another person you do not encourage or exchange tips...

Tips on how to not do it would be good…

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by DaX15

Tips on how to not do it would be good…

Yes, I agree... Thanks DaX15

[random_emotion]

Originally Posted by AmandaBroken

I sorry but I don't agree with you. If you care about another person you do not encourage or exchange tips...

So just because my judgement is faulty does NOT mean that I don't care

But you realize your judgement is faulty that's kind of the point… It's not like your totally clueless about it. The thing is you you don't care they cut. Maybe you do care about them… But if you told them to stop it would mean you would have to too. And you don't want to do that. I'm not blaming you… but it doesn't seem right to give them tips on how to cut.

[VernonJenkins]

The OP gets selfish (key word) pleasure from the pain of another person and encourages them to do it, despite knowing (their own word) that it is wrong. That's not a caring act.

[random_emotion]

Well now I just feel awful. I'm having a rough night i'm sorry...

Hey it's okay… I wasn't trying to make you feel awful. Sorry for coming off so hard.

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by random_emotion

Well now I just feel awful. I'm having a rough night i'm sorry...

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by random_emotion

So just because my judgment is faulty does NOT mean that I don't care

I never said you did not care... I voiced my concern. I trust you are a good person and you have deep feelings on this. I just think we need to be careful on what side we fall on in this matter. I love cutting, but I will never encourage another person to cut or share tips with those who do. I may share first aid tips to how to take care of a wound but that is the only thing I would do...

I hope you are safe and well...

Amanda

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by random_emotion

Well now I just feel awful. I'm having a rough night I'm sorry...

I am sorry you are having a rough night. I have those issues too. I was even warned by an Admin that I am responsible for what I post even if I am having a bad night.

I hope your night improves. If you want to talk about this feel free to PM. I will be here for at least another hour.

I know you know how hard it is to stop cutting. Please be safe...

Amanda

[random_emotion]

I feel the need to clarify. What I meant by tips is like where to hide our razors NOT how to cut better or to encourage cutting I would NEVER do that.

[Kildesortering]

I'm sorry for disappearing - hostility scares me a lot and I tend to just leave.

Right now she's just sending me a bunch of cat videos and I'm telling her about all the weird people I'm talking to... Everything feels very normal. I don't know how long it will last, but it's very nice.

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by random_emotion

I feel the need to clarify. What I meant by tips is like where to hide our razors NOT how to cut better or to encourage cutting I would NEVER do that.

I'm not sure what to say about this post.

[VernonJenkins]

Originally Posted by random_emotion

I feel the need to clarify. What I meant by tips is like where to hide our razors NOT how to cut better or to encourage cutting I would NEVER do that.

I wouldn't encourage someone to hide self-destructive behavior either... What I would encourage is for them to seek help. I can't support something that I know is bad, and there's nothing good about self-harming.

[random_emotion]

Originally Posted by VernonJenkins

I wouldn't encourage someone to hide self-destructive behavior either... What I would encourage is for them to seek help. I can't support something that I know is bad, and there's nothing good about self-harming.

Yeah I see the errors in my thinking thanks to this post. I have never sat down and looked at it from a different angle. I am going to stop giving those kind of tips and then maybe her and I can work on tips/strategies for positive/better way of coping together. I want to thank everybody for laying out the error of my train of thought/judgement.