My self harm journey

Kind of a rough day, emotionally. I just feel very vulnerable and fragile. Six more days until I see my T, Dr. K. I haven't really minded the break which makes me wonder if it is time to end therapy. But I think there are a few things I want to talk over with him. I feel very shattered inside and like my foundation has been rocked. I'm trying to reconcile what I believe with what I see and it's complicated.


I want to self harm even though I know ultimately, that wouldn't help. I just want that sweet bit of relief from all this stuff that is tormenting my brain. Trying to breathe and stay strong.

Stay strong Slumber Kitty!

You can do it!

It's hard because fragile and vulnerable are tough feelings to sit with.

.

Want to make a long cut across my arm. I know if I do it will probably land me in the hospital. This is reason enough not to do it. But I still want to. I think it's too much stress. I'm really quite overwhelmed. I have a T appointment today. I hope I don't end up hospitalized.

I know I can't do so safely. I know it would need stitches. That means a trip to the ER. It means a trip to the hospital. It means I might have to be put into the psych hospital. Sigh. I've reached out to my support people. I had therapy last night. I have an appointment with my care coordinator tonight. Maybe I'll ask her for some hotlines or warm lines. I think I have the text one for self harm in my phone. It wasn't helpful last time. It probably won't be helpful this time. But it can't hurt to try. I'm in a very bad way. The pain is too great. I want to give in and self harm. I don't care that I have almost 18 months clean. But I'll care if I mess up and have to start at zero. That's what I am anyway. A big fat zero.

((((((((((Kit))))))))))))

Well, I messed up. I relapsed. After 18 months of not self harming, I messed up. I'm feeling all sorts of feelings about it, anger towards myself, sadness, remorse, confusion, a bit of relief, worried about how my parents will react (I left them a note as I left for work this morning telling them that I relapsed). I know relapses are common and it's not something that I need to let spiral out of control. I'm trying to get myself into the one (incident) and done mentality. Now I gotta wear long sleeves for the rest of the summer while the wound heals. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm trying to dissect what happened so I know how to avoid it in the future.

Last week I was really suicidal and wanting to self harm but I didn't. I went to a thing at my Church that lasted four days instead. That helped distract me. Then Monday I needed support and I went to one of my support people and she was not supportive (in my opinion). I get what she was trying to do. She was trying to get me to not think about myself and my problems but think of someone else but she didn't explain it and I felt dismissed and unheard. And then I felt bad about it. Like I was being selfish to ask for help. Then that made me feel even worse about myself. That I wasn't worthy of help or that I've been too selfish all along asking for help. But I felt like I really needed it. And then I was dismissed and I just felt like crap and I went home from work and self harmed.


Now I have a big pile of emotions that I am trying to wade through. I feel somewhat dissociated which is nice. I can be distanced from it, but I know the dissociation will wear off. I think sometimes people misjudge me because I look okay on the outside but I might be dying on the inside.


Here's a win though: my self harm didn't need stitches. I'm proud of me for that. I showed some restraint. Actually it hurt more than I remember it hurting. And so I wasn't able to do so much. Plus I have a lot of scar tissue on my arm and it just wasn't working right.


Thanks to anyone who read this far. I might have more to say later. Right now I'm trying to sort stuff out. And I'm dissociated as heck.

Today I feel really fragile. I also feel right on the verge of having a panic attack. I don't know why. I did some deep breathing. That helped a little. I did some exercises that Pastor T suggested to me back when he was my T and I remembered those and did those. That kind of helped. I am waiting to get off of work when I can wrap myself in a blanket and turn on a mystery on the TV with a book and my kitty and feel held. I really want someone to hold me and comfort me. My wound hurts and I'm upset that I caused it to hurt and I'm upset that it hurts. And I feel pretty panicky.

Hi kitty. First off, congratulations on 18 months of no self harm, quite the feat and hopefully you are proud of yourself. You resisted many temptations!
I’m sorry that you have to deal with the emotional fall out of doing the thing you were trying not to do, the feelings that come with that are over-charged and so sharp but I have faith that you will find the strength again to fight.
We are rooting for you Kitty!! ❤️

Thank you! This means so much to me!

Im thinking of you dear friend, sending you love and care. I have faith in you.

You are strong
You are loved
You are cared for
You are a beautiful person

I feel really messed up today. I feel like relapsing. Even though last time I relapsed (4 weeks ago) I felt really stupid afterward and like that was dumb. I don't know. It's just stuck in my brain today. I think I'm stressed about stuff that is coming up and I'm just not processing it well. I don't know. I started out the day feeling okay but the longer it goes the worse I feel. I tried making a donation which usually makes me feel better and I'm going shopping after work for groceries for the food distribution this weekend, so that should get my mind off stuff. I think sometimes I'm just a screw up and I'm never going to make it in this world. Sigh.

Hang in there Kit!

I tried to relapse but my blade that I had at work was too dull and didn't do anything. Hopefully I feel better by the time I get off of work and don't go through with relapsing then. It's only been 29 days. I gotta wait this out. I'm trying to urge surf. Ride the urge like a wave. Trying to get it to dissipate.

I'm trying to see if this IOP will work for me. It's a place that does treat SH as well as depression, anxiety, etc. I emailed them with my symptoms and general bio and asked if they had a program that could help me. Their in person program is over two hours away but they have a virtual one. It starts at 3 and I don't get off work until 330 but I could talk to my boss, especially if it is for a finite amount of time she would probably let me leave early. I'm hourly anyway so they would be saving payroll. But now my case has been transferred to the virtual person and I am waiting to hear about my insurance and how many days a week it is and from 3 PM to what time and how many weeks it is. All good questions I think. I also want to know if the classes are just basic crap or if it is specific to my issues because I don't need basic crap. I got that IP. So I am waiting to hear back. I'm nervous and I'm hopeful, and I am dreadfully anxious.

((((((((SlumberKitty)))))))))

The IOP place is in the process of verifying my insurance. I don't know how long that will take. It's stressful but I am sure being in the program will be stressful too. I hope I am doing the right thing.

((((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

The IOP called me. They said they want me to do an in person (not virtual) IOP because of the hallucinations. But theirs is too far away. So their referral team is going to reach out to me in 24 to 48 hours to see what they find. I doubt they find anything close to me that will work. I live in a remote area. We have one hospital that is leaving us within the next couple of years (It isn't earthquake safe). And everything else is like an hour and a half away one way. So it looks like an IOP won't work. I'm kind of disappointed. I was hoping to have more care.

I got into an IOP that starts tonight. It is three nights a week from 5 PM to 730 PM. It is virtual. I'm not super good at Zoom but I expect I'll be an expert by the end of this. I'm nervous and excited and nervous and excited and nervous. I'll probably take some anti anxiety medication before hand because I will be pretty nervous. I'm at 45 days right now without self harm. I can't wait til I am back up to 18 months or 2 years or some good amount of time like that. But 45 days does feel pretty good. It's easier going this time around. Last time I was sweating out every day. This time there are days that go by and I don't even think of self harm. Then there are days when it is all I can think about.

I hope that the IOP goes well Kit!