I'm pushed to my limit ***TRIGGER***

my life is so darn hard at the moment....without getting into everything. My relationship with my hubby is very very strained..I really don't know why he treats me like I'm a worthless piece of sh** when I ask him why he hates me he says he loves me....a funny way of showing it...we both have schizophrenia and I have BPD as well.... I have no support or help and I am finding it very hard not to self harm or worse...my mum and dad are dead and all I want is to stop my pain and be with them......they loved me and I felt there love. I don't feel any love in my life at the moment...just empty words....I'm pushed to my limit ..I've had enough pain in my life..what have I done to deserve all this...somebody please give me some answers so I can hold on...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm on meds(solvin) and largactil and valium....max doses....but it's not enough...I carn't cope....I've been so well for so long and now I'm back hearing voices and wanting to selfharm and do myself in...what went wrong...how do I fix up this mess..

You need to talk to someone. Do you have a therapist? It sounds like you and your husband could benefit from some marriage counseling.
If you feel as though you cannot cope call 1800 suicide. It is a national hotline and they do help!!

Jessica

<font color=blue>The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain</font color=blue>
~Seether and Amy Lee

Please listen to Ozzie and Jessica. With the strain your marriage is in and you having BPD it is no wonder that you are feeling so lost. My worst moments with BPD is when I am not feeling loved in my marriage. When I thought he was going to leave me I started hearing voices. It was a scary thing for me. Your writing sounds so at the edge, I hope you will seriously consider going to the hospital for a complete evaluation and med adjustment. There is a lot of toughts and feelings that are going through me right now as I remember how I felt before. Too many for me to write down so that they will make sense. Things do get better though. It is hard when all you can see is the darkness and all you want is to feel better but you can't see how you can ever feel better again. But there is light out there and there are good days too come. Please seek the help you need to see those good days.
You are in my thoughts dear one,
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

thanks guys ...it helps to know others understand and care.
I'm still here its 1.30am in Australia...I carn't sleep ..hearing voices and wanting to burn myself...one good thing though my hubbby and I havent been so bad the last 2 days..thank god for small mercies...must go for now..take care.....kerry