hmmm

today was done because of the emptiness.... this is new for me. ususally it is because emotions are overwhelming. lately tho, this feeling i am dead and empty is overwhelming. so these were done to fill the time. the body was not too very numb so i actually feel these. which is a bummer. and a bummer that they were done despite my bloodwork apnt on friday. maybe the system is trying to prove it's existance? see how far it ca push me before i just say "it was them!!" rather than take the fall like i tend to. or to prove to the outside world that they are there behind me, pushing me. i dunno. i pray for work tomorrow to fill the time.

(((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))) I am here with you.

BB

((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))

Try to be safe, although it must be difficult.

thinking about you

((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))

((( b bear)))
(((christina)))
(((lyn)))
(((fuzzy)))

thanks.... i... i am safe... now anyway. these weren't "too bad" since the body wasn't numb.... but my arm is starting to resemble a cat scratching post =(

Been there, done that. Thankfully also had a cat, so it was a decent excuse.

Put some lotion on it if you can, or something to keep it from getting worse.

((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))) glad you're 'safe' right now.

Hugs!

Kiya!! I hope you feel better. I'm sorry I didn't catch this post sooner!! I'm always here if you need me!! Try and stay safe.

how are you tonight?...lyn

((((((((christina, silver, lyn))))))))

tonight is better, thank you. still concerned about the bloodwork on friday- but if i can leave the r. arm alone until then i might just get through this. I told t about that today and how i've never told the fam. doc about si. she asked me why not.... ummmm... cuz i didn't wanna... she looked at me like that was a strange answer and even repeated it.
=( she said that the fam. doc shouldn't get too upset since it is really common. we'll see, i guess.

((((((((((Kiya))))))))))) I wouldnt know if it's something family docs are used to... I guess it depends really.

Glad you're hanging in there!

hey... i understand not wanting to tell your doctor... i haven't told mine and really have no intention of telling him... my t said... well don't you think he should know... my answer was nope... take care tomorrow and let me know how it goes...lyn

just wanted to let you know that i am thinking about you today... i know this is going to be a really hard day... what time is your appointment?...lyn

Kiya, im not worth much right now.

Just wanted to make sure YOU were ok....

thinking about you too.

me

((((((((((Lyn, Colleen)))))))))
It actually was fine. If the lady noticed she didn't say anything. Afterwards, she asked if there was anything else she could do for me (a question never posed to me before in this situation) and looked directly into my eyes very seriously (i could be reading into this, but it did seem out of place). Prior to my rolling up my sleeve, she hadn't really made eye contact with me at all. Thankfully she asked if the right arm was fine to use (since the left is far worse and newer).
Other than that, i had my usual jitters about needles (odd that it is ok for me to be my own scratching post, but not a pin cushion) and just kept breathing and didn't watch.
thanks for the thoughts =)

i am glad that she treated you well... it sounds like she really cared...lyn

Lyn, your comment "i am glad that she treated you well... it sounds like she really cared" somehow took me by surprise. because what i had taken away from it was "*whew* that seemed close", and you put it in a new perspective that i didn't even see. seems odd not to see that, but i didn't. i get too caught up in the fear.
The thought in my head right after that was "I wonder what it would really take for me to be in such a situation where help is readily evident, and be able to actually say what is going on.... like the lab tech said "is there anything else i can do for you?" in that caring/serious moment what would it take for me to say "i'm suicidal. and i don't even care, but i know i need help." all i did was look at her and shake my head. because i was in the fear moment - the moment of "i have to protect myself from"them"".
part is that the seriousness of such a claim far outweighs all emotion i have around the subject. i really have stopped caring. i hardly eat, i mainly slice up my skin, i don't give an ounce about music or homework.... the fact that i have very little money, looming payments, and no work prospects just add to that.... i don't care.
ths post isn't about any of that tho - it is simply noticing my response as well as the response i didn't have and to see where those two things might bridge the gap at somepoint when i am honest enough and have enough courage.

you know i see a lot of courage in your posts...maybe i can see that for you too... kiya look at all you have been through lately... look at all the steps you have taken in t ... take gentle care of yourself...lyn

(((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Know that I care and I hope that you too will soon.

BB

((((((((((((((((((BB, Lyn))))))))))))))))))

ty. i am running pretend dialogs in my head to see if i could actually tell t or a dr that. my MD is out of town and really she is a specialist more or less. but my fam dr has a very nice Nurse Pract. (with an annoyingly intense "bedside manner") that i am trying to imagine telling. I don't think i can really, but it is a step. she'd then tell the fam dr who i've known since i was 13 (who terrifies me) and i really don't want that.
I am starting to see that as long as i have this particular "out" available to me, moving forward is sort of not realistic. now i just have to want that more than i want to not exist.

((((((kiya)))))

have you told your t?...how was your appointment on wed?... stay safe...lyn

ty court knee.... btw your couter there is impressive - way to go on 19 days!

lyn - no i haven't. i can't commit to that level of intensity that things would boost to if i tell anyone IRL that.

After choir tonight, the director was talking about some bad potential rehearsal and all i really caught was him saying "Nooooo, i'd slit my wrists!" and some part within said aloud under the breath "i already did". which really is not accurate. there are 2 minor cuts vertical along side the tendon (over the vein) but not cutting the vein. *sigh* and truth beknown, they look like they may be getting infected. Grrrr. which means I have to treat 'em (which for me goes against the very nature of SI - why treat something i did myself?!?) But if i don't then i will have to get them seen. double grrrrrr. The guy answered the director back saying "Nah, slit your throat, it's quicker".... I could feel all the destructives at full attention.... *sigh*. why are we having this conversation?

it seems far easier to hide things and keep them to myself... i can't tell t. i already told her i was back into the pattern of suicide ideation and really nothing came of that (ha! i was right, that's not as serious).

i want to post more but the parts are all splitting off.... maybe i can make more sense in DID. i want to tell you i will be safe.... i want that to be accurate. i'm just not sure how many others within want that. i'm working on it.

kiya... i think you need to tell your t how serious this is becoming for you... and if she doesn't hear you tell her again... i am really concerned about you... i know how hard it is... but, if she doesn't understand what your going through how will she be able to help you?... do what you need to take care of yourself... and be safe...lyn

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))) I really sounds like you can use some good support right now. Can you let in those that can help you? Sometimes I feel that I have clearly conveyed something to someone to only find that they didn't understand. Pleaes give your t a call and tell her how much you are hurting.

It sounds like right now you are so emotionally raw that all sorts of things are going to remind you of SI. I hope that as you work through things this abates.

Please reach out to those that can help you. I will be thinking of you.

BB