Fell off the wagon...May Trigger

Hi folks,

I feel so bad. I almost made it three weeks without cutting. Ahhh! I was so close!

I've been having a problem with SI for a few months now. My T has been trying to get me to stop, but it's just so hard. It's hard to fight the urges. It's even worse because I have OCD and thus can't just stop at a little cutting--it has to add up to a certain numerical value. So now I have 20 new cuts on my arm, which brings my cutting total up to 37 (I had 17 cuts on my left arm previously, but they've scarred over). They're deep this time too, bleeding all over the place. At least they're all on my outer arm, so I won't be in danger of bleeding to death. Oy vey.

I'm ashamed to see my T on Monday. He's been praising me on my good progress thus far, so I know how disappointed he'll be when he sees my new marks. He always checks, so there's no way I can hide it from him (not that I should). He'll want to know why I cut myself this time. Not to mention I have classes at my university tomorrow and two of my professors are psychologists! Ai! They're so nosy! How will I hide the cuts??

I hope no one minds my little outburst. I kinda don't have anyone to talk to, so I sometimes need a place to vent. Heh heh. I'm just dreading tomorrow.....

Thanks for reading and please take care.

Hugs,

Ronni

u did better than i, i cant go for more than 5 days without cutting..

U did really good going for almost 3 weeks... You will go longer next time...

((((((((((((((((((Storm)))))))))))))))))

This feeling will pass with time..

((((((((((((BlackDragon)))))))))))))))

Thanks so much for your reply and encouragement. I really appreciate the support. I have to say I'm pretty stunned myself that I managed to hold off for 3 weeks--usually 3 days is too much for me. I'm going to try better next time. Please know that you also have my support, and that I believe that you too will soon be able to survive week-long streches without cutting. I suppose we gotta take it one day at a time.

*sigh* I just dread my T's expression......

Hugs,

Ronni

Storm, set backs happen but as you are working on this with your t ask about learning skills to cope with the feelings that don't include hurting yourself. Also I would say wear long shirts so Professors don't see. SI is very stigmatizing. I struggle a lot lately with this issue eventhough I have been okay for a few months. Stress is doing it to me. My last comment is that I like to be very detailed about what I have done to myself. I don't know why but I do. I was recently reminded that graphics are triggering to others so I wanted to pass that on to you. You are trying so hard and you will get to where you want to be. Good job being honest with your T.

What is it about three weeks? I start getting uneasy if I go longer than that too. You know what though? Just because you had a setback doesn't undo any of the progress you have made. That's just the way this road goes. I don't think any of us quit cold-turkey and don't look back. There is so much more to it than that! You have to learn about yourself - what brings you to the point of needing to cut, facing your feelings, finding other ways to handle those feelings, etc. Your T will understand that it isn't always smooth going straight ahead. It's his job to help guide you. If it were a smooth, easy road, you wouldn't need a guide, would you?

Lots of my professors were psychologists too. It's freaky wondering what they notice that you may or may not want them too, isn't it?

Come here and vent any time you need to! There just aren't many places where you can talk about this stuff and find people who understand. This has been a good place for me, and I hope you stick around.

Congratulations on the almost 3 weeks. That is a good thing. Now you can use your recent episode as a learning tool. Tell you T and then investigate what it was that triggered you so badly this time. I know how it feels having to fess up. I get to do it next week, sigh. But therapists understand the rocky road we are treading and it is their job to help us find the coping skills that will help us in all these different situations. Look at it as a chance to take another step in your learning process.
Good luck,
Carrie <font color="purple">

Hi, sorry to hear u fell. I fell today...it has been a little longer for me though...about a year. I hope we can both get back on the wagon...