Another One Falls Off The Wagon

Is it the full moon or the holiday? Or perhaps the dark of winter that seems to be lasting forever? I really don't know but seems like this is the week to hurt one's self. Sitting idly just reading the boards and thinking suddenly felt something warm running down my thigh. Earlier to day I had been using a quilter's pin to sort some small glass beads, well I had picked it up and was sticking it into my thigh. I guess i hit a vein cos I had an awful time getting it stopped. What a mess. Even worse I want to do it some more. So here I am posting to keep both hands busy. I hate this, I hate how I feel, I hate how i want to keep poking. I hate how I want to use a knife. I hate that my skirt is full of blood. Just three days and I can see therapist -- could have called her if I had wanted to stay good. But no I have to try and tough it out. Good thing my husband has the weekend off, I would not make it otherwise. Oh who do I think I am kidding?!? The urge gets too strong and who cares who is around? Monday seems a month away.

Maybe it's contagious. Just hang in there. Two more days - you can make it. Call your therapist if you need to, and keep on posting here. Anything that helps.

It's so easy for it to just happen. Even though I've had a good week (if anything I might be manic - scored 40 on the mania quiz yesterday, my highest ever), I've been noticing all the things that I could cut with. There are two pairs of scizzors and a pocket knife sitting on my dresser right next to my bed. I just happened to see those this morning and start thinking about what I could do with them. That's as far as it went though.

How are you doing today? Just let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

Maybe it is just valentines day.
Carrie

I think after not being in therapy for a month I am scared to go back. I want the support I think I even want to do the work but I am scared spitless. I just want to duck out and hide.

I picked up the knife today but my dh was around so I only did a couple of little scratches and one poke. I am really fighting it now. This is exactly how I escolated last time.

I get to go in to see my T on wednesday. I haven't seen him since the end of November. I am scared too...and excited. I miss him but I don't relish the thought of having to look closely at my recent behavior. I have been doing the SI thing fairly regularly this last week and absolutely hate having to bring it out into the light. I have always hidden the fact that I do this and having to discuss it with someone is extremely uncomfortable to me. When I become uncomfortable I am more likely to injure so I have to ask myself if it is a good idea to bring it up in session. *carrie laughs ruefully* You know what my problem is? I really like hurting myself. I just can't imagine a life without this in it. I like the way it feels to be totally wacked then to take action against those miserable feelings and have them go away. I like the heaviness afterwards and how well I sleep when it is all said and done. When I am freaking out I feel wired and alive and when I hurt myself I feel in control and calm. I have just grown so accustomed to this way of life. But I know that I am missing something. That this way is not the only way and it is dangerous, accidents happen. There must be other ways to feel alive without feeling miserable. There must be another way to feel calm and good without pain. I just have to learn what it is. I have to know what it is that I am replacing this habit with. Unfortunately no one has given me a satisfactory answer when I ask them what I replace it with...or maybe I just don't have faith that what they are telling me is the truth. It sucks not being able to trust anyone. But dang, what the H***, what have we got to loose giving it yet another go. It isn't like we can't go back to the old ways if it doesn't work out right? I will try to listen to my T and trust in his advice but he had better not worm his way around the subject because I want to know why. I get tired of being given placating answers and you would really be better off nots. I want to know why. I want to know that he knows why I do it and why I should stop. I figure it he doesn't know the facts then there is no reason for me to listen to him. I never believed all the grown ups who told me that if I swallowed gum it would sit in my stomach for 7 years, I swallowed the gum just to spite them because they were lying to me. If you can process a penny in 8 hours you can do the same with a wad of gum. It was stupid. Lies to make me do what they wanted me to do. I hate being lied to. I hate people telling me "facts" that are not true just because they heard it somewhere else and believe it because they are too lazy to think the darn thing through. I hate this garbage about what is good for me, that I shouldn't eat wheat just because a portion of the population is alergic to wheat. I am not. I makes me feel good and sated. Pasta makes me feel calm and happy but I keep hearing that it is bad for me. What is up with that? Don't drink aspertame because it gives rats cancer. Doesn't matter that the rats were feed enough of it to sweeten a 1000 gallons of pop. Anything will mess you up if you eat it at such a high dosage. People just don't think about it, just take "their" word for it then expect me to change my habits because they believe half truths and 3/4 lies and it is all bull. Then I ask myself as my T sits there spouting off his little diatribe, is he as gullable, as easily swayed as the people around me or is his "knowledge" not only based on what he was taught and what he read but also based on the thoughtful process of consideration of the "facts" and if the statistics are skewed or if they make sense as they sit together.

Sigh, I too am afraid to go to my T because I want to believe but am afraid of being duped.
Carrie

{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My T has told me that it would be stupid to take away the only release I have and not give me some other way of doing it. This is why he doesn't harp on me for SI.

What he is trying to do is get me to recognize my feelings - just stop during the day and say, " I am feeling _____ right now", and simply accept the emotion. Not act upon it or analyze it, just sit with it and acknowledge it.

My T says wisdom comes from balancing both sides of your life, the emotional along with the rational..........when you make decisions that make both sides happy, then you are using wisdom.

We haven't gotten too much further yet after acknowledging the feelings, but I have been able to do it. At first it was hard, because my mind automatically went into the "fix it or analyze it" mode.

Anyway, just my 2 cents worth.

Mary Alice

Uh, I did go on a little rant didn't I. Sorry folks. Am a wee bit keyed up. Lots of caffene and paint fumes. Painting my daughter's room today. Did the primer coat and the base coat. Wednesday we will be painting on the stripes. Yes she wants stripes. I am excited. I can't wait to see how it turns out. Fortunately, the caffiene is starting to fade out and a hot bath soothed me so I am not rambling quite so much...or am I.

I was thinking about what Dalilah said, about fighting the urge and how it tends to make things escolate. Is that the way it is for everyone? For me, I can fight the urge sometimes, if I can distract myself with a high concentration project. Other times I can't seem to find the project that will capture my attention so I start obsessing about what was bothering me which then turns into an obsession about whether or not to hurt myself. It is like the debate to cut or not to cut is an escape from my original discomfort. It is safer to enter the debate on whether to cause myself physical harm then to sit with and feel the emotions that started the episode to begin with. Then there are the rare times when the emotions are just so overwhelming that I don't debate at all and hurt myself on impulse. That is when it is scarey because there is no control, there is no relief, and there is more blood. It is those impulsive incidents that make me believe I have to stop this because I don't want to hurt myself beyond repair.
Carrie