Tonight...

Excuse the vent...

tonight has been so hard. I havent a clue how it started off but Ive been wanting to lash out all night. I just couldn't control the angry feelings inside me. Phil kept trying to calm me down... and it worked until he started being immature. Usually I just ignore him when hes like that, but it kept setting me off.... I told him to stop and he asked why... and I mentioned that it was working me up and he just went "for God's sake".

I feel well guilty when I get like this. I Keep telling myself that he doesnt have to put up with it all n he deserves better.
It makes me dead sad, like he's stuck with me n just having to 'put up with it'. He says he understands put I can see his frustration sometimes...

To get to the point of why Im writing.

After tonight I went home, went into the bathroom and just flipped out. I remember thinking that the only thing thats going to help me right now was cutting. It was like I was two people at the same time. I was looking in the mirror crying, one side of me forcing me to do it, going "your gunna have to do it megan" even tho I dont want to, and the other side screaming back "No, Im scared! I hate myself for doing this etc etc"

if that makes any sense!!!

anyway, I ran a bath to calm me down a bit, then ended up talking to my dad n felt realy comforted. We dont really talk anymore coz hes always drunk but it helped. I dont really wanna do it anymore, I dont think, but Im not gunna go bed until Im sure. Its like Im scared to be with myself. I just had a weak moment. I think this is the longest time I havent SI'd for ages

I keep overdosing on paracetamol n stff aswell. Not alot, but the last two times Ive just taken 5 at a time. I think its because Im not cutting, Im using that as a substitute, but I dont know.

Im a bit of a mess at the moment, coud anyone suggest something to help?? Anything would do really, I just feel so down right now and I m tired n I wanna go bed, but I cant

Thanks for listening
babyg xxx

((((((((((Baby G))))))))))))))

Good for you for finding something else to do instead of cutting! That's a hard decision to make sometimes when we feel really crappy.

With any drugs, overdoing it can be hazardous to your health, so I'd advise you to try not to do that ...

Can you watch a movie or listen to some music? Journalling? Do you write poetry? Or maybe go for a walk if it isn't too late? Sometimes getting our emotions out, or tiring ourselves out further means we get to sleep sooner. Or you could make yourself a cup of decaf tea and curl up with a good book?

Be good to yourself. PM me if you ever want to talk, okay?

Thanks Christina

I know how dangerous overdosing can be, but I still keep doing it. Im like a little kid who doesnt learn! I know all these distracting things can help, I do it 24/7, but sometimes I just feel the need to just CUT. Like Im addicted to doing it. I just need to give up and do it, its like a drug and it really DOES make me feel better, even if only for short time, n the only thing that stops me is my boyfriend... I get too guilty for letting him down afterwards.

Why does it have to be soooo frustrating?? Been SI'ing for about 3-4 years now, I wish I hadnt got caught up in it in the first place!

babyg xxx

(((x_BabyG_x)))

I'm sorry your having a rough time right now. I know how you feel I really wish that five years ago that I would have just cried instead of cut when the cops came to my house and picked up my dad for hot checks.

I'm having the same problem you are..I distract myself with everything imaginable but I still want to so bad. Stay strong you can do this!!! If you ever need to talk I'm here feel free to pm me. I'll let you know if I find anything that helps..I find coffee to be relaxing..not the best for falling asleep but relaxing none the less.

(((baby g)))))
were there any things that calmed you down as a kid? (like good things?) reading a favorite book, sitting with you self curled into a ball singing a nursery rhyme? thinking of what can aid the 'scared kid' in you.....

I don't learn to keep my addictive behaviours in check very easily too (like I can sometimes eat too much, or spend too much money in an effort to "feel better").

It is frustrating to deal with, but at least if it's frustrating then you know you (ultimately) don't want to be doing it and therefore have the energy (even way deep down inside) to stop when you can... it's a daily struggle.

Thankyou for replying, it really helped.

Im feeling alot better, and alot calmer tonight.

I know Im gunna be like this for a while until Im used to fighting off urges. I often listen to music/read books etc to keep me comforted, but I think sometimes its just too much and I just need a good old release.

Im glad I didnt though nearly a month now yeahhh

thanks again, babyg xxx