Punishing behaviors

I find myself cutting to.... ... Im not sure. My initial inclination is to say that I need to get out my anger at myself. Its sorta like self-punishment. but it feels like the actions are just an extension of my internal feelings. I'm so sick of not cutting for fear of stupid things like what people might think if they notice (I'm not saying that avoiding cutting is bad). It just feels so futile not to cut when I have feelings inside that need to come out. I feel like HATE EXPLODES within me sometimes. I know that sounds crazy . Im actually a timid person. ugh.. I dunno. Im rambling.

You're not crazy. I do it when I have so much anger inside of me. Mostly I do it to feel some honest, genuine emotion. Most of the time I feel nothing.

I have cut in places that are not normally visible to others in 3D - that has stopped numerous questions. It has always been an extension of internal feelings - an outlet that needed to be expressed.

Please take care of yourself.

I can relate... I would like to say the feeling will pass soon. but i dont know how life is for u right now.. so im just going to say hang in there...

ethersvirtue,

I can relate, too. I think most of us can. About punishing yourself, I do that also. You know what? We don't deserve to be punished! We've been through enough in our lives, all of us. We don't deserve to hurt more. It's true! I think that pretty much without exception most self-injurers need to work on having compassion for ourselves, instead of taking it out on ourselves all the time, you know?

One thing that I learned in therapy was that all that anger I felt inside and directed at myself was really toward my parents, but I internalized it because I didn't want to be mad at them. It was easier to blame myself than to believe that I couldn't always rely on my parents for what I needed, or that I wasn't always safe with them. I could be wrong, but if I recall right, it seems like you had an abuse history, right? This is just some food for thought about anger. It needs to be directed where it REALLY belongs if you are going to heal (and you CAN heal!).

One thing I wanted to point out is that cutting only makes the feelings go away TEMPORARILY. It doesn't fix anything for real.

((((hugs)))) if you want them

Angela

What about times when you have done something stupid.. im not punishing m yself for the past necessarily. (Bear with me. I'm quitting Lexapro and I feel like I have this stream of consciousness dizzy affeect going on). What about when your just sick of yourself. What do other people do when they are frustrated with themselves? If you don't get the feeling out it just bubbles and festers inside.

I guess I didn't say very clearly what I meant.

Yeah I get mad at myself for things. Like if I feel guilty about something, I want to cut really bad. Or if I just start thinking I'm a bad person overall, or worthless, or unloveable or anything bad about myself, I want to hurt myself.

But I learned that the response of hurting myself comes from my past. That's what I meant. Not mad about my past, but the past has shaped me to direct anger at myself and to hurt myself to take my feelings out on myself.

The best way I have found to deal with this type of si urge is to write down how mad I am or tear up the paper in my journal (by pressing on it with my pen and then just ripping). Or sometimes just by telling someone supportive how much I hate myself, because they will usually help me put things in perspective and remind me to have compassion on myself.

I admit this is still a downfall for me. I still cut over this stuff occasionally. I won't be totally healed and done with it until I have healed from the underlying issues. But these are some of things that help me get through day to day with less si.

Hope that helps!

Angela

Thanks SweetCrusader. I think ya just got me on a frustrated day. I wish i could pour out all the bad and just keep the good feelings.

(((((ethersvirtue))))) i hear you!

lots and lots of safe, healing hugs to you (only if you want them of course)

Angela