Reckless behaviors

I think I've been on some manic roller coaster lately. Had a few down days, but mostly I feel really great. I noticed I've been a little reckless lately. I've been drinking entirely too much caffeine and also taking some psudoephedrine here and there to keep me going. It also controls my appetite which I think I'm getting my eating disorder back. And I love it!
I keep thinking of my past when I used to go out and drink and "party". If it wasn't for my husband, I'd be out there, doing things I may regret.
I am having urges to drink every day, but my husband won't allow it. Also, I told my pdoc that I've been self medicating and she told me I need to go to AA and NA. I have to report back to her to let her know what I am going to do.
I have also been having strange thoughts about suicide. I do not want to do it, but the thoughts enter my brain.
I'm a little paranoid.
I keep thinking about the mental hospital that I was in a few years ago.
I don't know if I'm manic because I'm doing and thinking these "reckless behaviors", or I'm just losing it.
Do you think all the caffeine can be messing me up?
I recently had an increase in Prozac. Can that be an issue?

I just don't understand why suddenly I can't feel content in my lovely home with my fabulous husband. I want to go out and get messed up. I really don't, but the desire's there.

I hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say here.
I'm afraid to talk to anyone, even my therapist.

I think the first thing is to stop "self-medicating", the drinking,pseudoephidrine,etc. Then next, though you do not want to, is to please contact your pdoc and/or whoever prescibed the prozac, I personally feel what you are going through is not just the prozac, but all the other stuff combined.
I really hope you get professional help, you may be approaching a manic episode.
When I used diet pills years ago, I felt great, full of life and energy,etc. then over time crashed and gained almost all the weight back,etc. the crashing, plus family matters, caused me to have suicidal thoughts and was encouraged to volunteerily sign myself in for treatment, I was DXed as being Bipolar-II(mild) and followed treatment plan. I do miss the amphetimines, energy, being thin, I don't miss the crashing, sooooooooooooo, I keep with my pdoc appts. every 2 months, yes, went from once a week to once every 2 months by following treatment plan.
To help yourself, you'll need to get professional help.
I wish you luck with this. Please keep faith in yourself, with treatment and commitment, you can get through this.
Take care,
DE

Oh wow. "Reckless" would have been a good screen name for me.

I agree with darkeyes...please don't "self-medicating" naymore. Any drug, and I mean caffeine, cold medicine....ANY drug changes my mood. The worst part is, I don't always see it happening....but others do.

Trust your own gut feelings...talk to your therapist.

Agreed with both of you.

I used to self-medicate without even realizing it. I am so happy I do not anymore. I did not notice the changes until stopping and really looking back. I thought I was okay but I was not and I certainly was not helping myself.

Self medicating does make things worst. I got myself into more trouble. I might of been able to do things I wanted but they never turned out the way they should of.

I used to be a partier. I think I did that to escape. The only way I actually lasted was by drinking and such... I realize now that I was never really a party-type person. I just wanted to find somewhere to belong and was going about it the wrong way.

It's not good if you don't want to talk to anyone. Talking to a therapist would be best. I know I personally never told any therapist when I did drugs. I never was extremely big on them like some people but I still did them to self medicate and to "fit in". When I used to see help I would never tell them that. Little to my knowledge but due to drinking and doing drugs the after effects and while intoxicated was affecting me and my actions negatively more then positively.

When I went in and told them everything about my past for my first session to find the person best suited to talk to me it felt like a weight lifted.

I've been in the the hospital in the psych ward twice now. If you do self-medicate you may end up back in the mental hospital. I'm not sure if you want that but that may be what ends up happening.

Also for me personality doing self medication and going out partying was my way to avoid the internal battle I had with myself and trying to avoid the reality of it. I thought it would help but if anything doing what I did made it worst.

I wish you luck! I think continuing to talk to people and especially to those who relate may be best.

Hi, Tracy...

I agree with what everyone else has said...you really have to cut down on the caffeine and other stimulants, bad for your head! Alcohol and street drugs, too!!! I know being manic feels good, we want to keep it going, YEEAAHH!!!

Unfortunately, the racing thoughts we find so exhilerating keep us from focusing on what is truly important, in your case, your husband. Though it's no fun, you need to come down so you can maintain your relationship. Speaking from experience, spouses will go a long way for us, but their patience too often becomes too strained to repair.

I hope you can find your way through this thicket...there a lot of great people here who will help you!

Peace,
DJ

Thanks everyone for replying. I went to a meeting last night but it was geared more toward dealing with loved ones with alcohol problems, rather than oneself.

I haven't drank in a few days and my moods have leveled out and I feel much better. Still sticking to the caffeine at the moment, hard habit to break.

I see my pdoc tomorrow. Is there someting she could do for when I feel I am becoming manic? I really hate to mess around with my meds though.