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#1
Apr 23, 2007, 11:30 AM
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Was it my fault? When can I stop punishing myself?
This came up in therapy last time... The pedophile came into my life when I was 12... then came 13, then came 14, then came 15... and at 15 he was still there... shouldn't I punish myself? I think sometimes if I can just hurt myself bad enough, IT will all be resolved somehow. Like if I brand myself with a cigarate or if I take a branding iron and brand myself over and over that I can punish myself for being so old and submitting to a pedophile. He woo'ed me... I had to see him everyday...was this abuse or something I wanted? He was in a position of power over me - but couldn't I have just ended it by running away or telling someone... or just saying "leave me alone".... will punishing myself now make the pain go away? I could go get a tatoo that says "unloved by people" "loved by God" would that do it???????????? or my epitate on my gravestone "she tried and tried and tried but in the end she failed" |
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#2
Apr 23, 2007, 02:00 PM
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No, No, No, it was not your fault!!!!!!! As far as punishing yourself goes, well, don't you think you've been punished enough already from the memories and feelings resulting from the abuse? I'm still trying to effectively cope with those ugly feelings when they come. It's so hard to do. Intentionally inflicting punishment on yourself won't resolve a thing. The blame, shame, and punishment belongs to the perp, NOT you. Try not to punish yourself for the wrongs of another. You deserve to treat yourself with the same understanding, compassion, and love that I bet you'd give to another in a similar situation. Treat yourself to a good dose of gentleness today and every day.
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#3
Apr 24, 2007, 08:02 PM
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Oh freewill......Calm is right!! It was not your fault...never your fault!!!
You were still a child....12,13,14,15....unable to make adult decisions because you were not an adult!! You said it yourself, he had control over you....but NOT anymore. Give up the ownership of this it does not belong to you....it totally belongs to him. (((((((((((((((freewill))))))))))))))))) I'm sending calming thoughts and gentle strength to you. Please be good to yourself in at least one small way everyday. You so deserve it! Hugssss J |
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