I Hurt

I am hurt so deeply, I just wanted the pain to go, so I made the pain go away the best I know how. I trid the rubberband, the ice, everything. I even called my T- she was out and never returned my call. So I did what I did to make it all go away. Not even sure anymore if I want to stop the SI but I know I need to. Question is will I ever stop???? The tears are flowing and the feeling of guilt has come over me. Why do I do this, I know why I do but why does my head feel so bad that I have to SI to feel some sort of relief from the pain that I am feeling??? I tried to throw my collection of things away, I really did..but I started to cry when I did and now I am in panic. What happens if I need them and do not have them, I am afraid of what I will go looking for to make the pain go away. Does this make any sense to anyone or am I just really f***** in the head. I have basically given up on my therapist and Pdoc- they don't care no one does.

Butterfly I'd love to compliment you on ALL the positive actions you did!You obviously are very strong,that is helpful!I say this bc you tried many coping strategies: rubberband, ice, called your T (Keep calling T ok) and still did not SI that is awesome Butterfly & amazing! To throw away the SI paraph
takes the utmost in emotional strength (oh yes I understand). You can get better!! There are meds to help you with your issue. But most important Butterfly You've got to know people do care about you, they(& at PC also) Love You. I do. You are a living, precious life. An incredible creation.You have a problem ,true, but wow you should see the cheering fans You have here, at PC alone, that WANT & WILL help you if you choose.
When you said "What happens if I need them(SI things) & you do not have them, ..I will go looking to make the pain to go away" You may want to handle this as an addiction - using The 12 Steps you don't have to face difficult decisions & choices every single day.You make one decision to Love yourself and others. Please keep writing. Hope I helped

HUGS!!! I know how you feel, so if you are really f***** up in the head, so am I! I gave up some of my "supplies", but like you can't seem to be able to give it and the whole idea up. The draw for me is that is brings such a sense of peace. Hard to ignore that. Well, hang in there, and just know you are not alone.

Nothing I do is right, I can not handle it anymore....Sorry

Have you read & thought about the posts you have received????

Yes I have I am just trying to work through everything and I just really just want to fade away right now. Maybe no will notice.

(((((((((((purplebutterfly)))))))))))))))0

Breathe. You tried, you did a good job with trying other positive coping mechanisms. When it gets really tough, even being able to try that is a good thing - even if it doesn't help.

We would notice if you disappeared, me especially. I like butterflies.

You are not messed up in the head, because it makes sense to me ... sometimes the thoughts about the unknown are more scary than what we already know (even if SI is bad) ... it's a comfort thing, because sticking to what we know helps with anxiety.

I'm sorry your T wasn't around... it sucks when our support network isn't there. I know the feeling... is there anyone else who might be able to help the next time you can't reach your T? A friend, someone who knows about your SIng?

It takes a lot of effort to stop. It takes falling, failing, and trying again... it takes more time, sometimes it feels impossible...

but it is possible. It just hurts a lot to change from what we know, to accepting that maybe there is another way to deal with things.

Repeat after me:

I am a good person, deserving of love and respect. Today might be hard, but that doesn't make me a bad person. If I fall, I can get right back up and try again. I am loved.

You are all of those things. PM me whenever you want, I mean that.

Thank You Christina for the pep talk, all I can do is try, I am so exhausted and I just want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep.

Hey, sleeping is usually a good thing if you can do it. I like sleeping.

You are right... all you can do is try. You're still trying, so it's a good thing!!

Check in with me later after you get some sleep, okay?

((((((((((((((((((((Purplebutterfly)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I care!!! Sleep is helpful..it is one of my odd defense mechanisms..if I am upset I go to sleep. Take care dear..we are all here for you and rooting for you okay? I would noticed if you faded away because I care.
Take care and rember how loved you are!!
Love and safe thoughts
Silver

Silver thanks for your thoughts. I am trying

(((((((((((( purplebutterfly )))))))))))))
I agree with silver about sleep PM me any time if you need to talk

It makes a lot of sense what you say. It's a very hard habit to give up! It can be done so keep trying! You know we are all here for you and we know exactly how you feel.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{purplebutterfly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks Fuzzy. I was able to get some sleep.
(((Fuzzy)))

Update: I tried to sleep, had lots of nightmares so I decided to just get up, I just stayed in the bed watching tv, it was like I was in a zone, no emotion no nothing, an hour later I was laying there trying to pull my hair out, scratch my arms and wanted to cut so badly and wanting to just end it all, lets just say the night ended with me sitting on the bathroom floor with my legs pulled up to my chest, trying to make the pain go and the urge to cut as well as shaking,needless to say I cut several times on my thighs. Somehow I managed to pull myself together and make it to my room where I collapsed on the floor and woke up this morning. Not sure what happened, I did try to find my meds, for the wrong reasons, but then remembered that I threw them all away, maybe that was a good thing at least this time. I have called my Pdoc and will see her later today, I told her what happened last night and she thinks that I need to go back on my meds and she wants to try a different kind of therapy not sure what that means but okay. The urge is still there and I can not seem to get rid of my supplies. Today I am feeling shaken up and feel like I failed, I am trying to get help and just need some support out there to get thru this.I am sorry I am not a good person lately, I try but I seem to fail alot lately.

Can you not find anyone who you trust can contact and talk to? Is there not anybody you can ring in desperate times like these??

(((((purple)))))

babyg xXx

No one that really understands, I am going to talk to my Pdoc about a support group today. no worries i will be okay. always am and i have to be.

yeah, I know what you mean. I tried the rubber band too, and it didn't help too much...