[SweetCrusader]

i know i am full of questions tonight. lol! kinda wishing there were more people online right now, too. don't think i'll be sleeping much.

anyway, i was just wondering if this ever happens to other people, or if it's just my pattern. i've noticed that when things are really, really bad, i will fight off si urges several times a day. i keep on wanting to. i just can't stop thinking about it. then, i find that when things start to ease up a little, but are still kinda hard- for some reason that seems to be the time when i'm more likely to si sometimes. i tend to si when i'm calming down more than when i'm still freaking out.

know what i mean?

[SylverFlames]

Sometimes, depending on what is happening. I find when everything is really bad that my mind is so hyper focused on the problems that I don't focus on SI, but that's always when the craving for it starts, and the idea will root itself into my brain, and then once things relax a little, I'm so used to having a problem to focus on that I'll SI to create a problem for me, which will cycle into guilt and disgust with myself, giving me something to distract myself with. This is generally more with long term problems, and in keeping with their ebb and flow in my life.

Othertimes though I'll SI right when the problem is occuring. This happens more if the problem is a shock to the system, something I didn't expect and don't have any way to handle it. Then I'll SI, because this will distract me right away.

THATS EXACTLY ME!!! I binge and purge or totally unravel with si.. allot when a big string of tests are over, or a long week is finished. Its crazy.. I dont know what is up with that.

[Zenobia]

There are a couple of danger areas for me. If I have a major (well major to me) emotional upset involving a relationship I will SI immediately to soothe myself.

The second area is if things are going well for too long of a time. It is like I can't stand things to be just fine. I need a degree of chaos to feel...well normal and ok. So I will self injure then things are crazy again because then I can concentrate on how "sick" I am with the need to self injure. This is when I will start with a slight itch and then the obsession builds and builds then I will start looking for reasons. Looking for things that could possibly be a trigger so that I can get upset enough to hurt myself. Writing this makes me feel like I am admitting to being a fake or a liar or a seeker of attention. On the other hand I hide it all. I don't know.
Carrie<font color="blue">

[SweetCrusader]

I already said this on the other thread, but I really do think that a LOT of us seek out triggers when we want to si.

You know what I think part of that is, as least for me? I think it has to do with not feeling like our feelings are valid and ok. In my case, I often feel like I have no right or reason to be hurt or upset, so when something does upset me and I want to cut (or at least want to feel really bad and/or want to ask for help and love and support), I don't allow myself to do any of that because I feel I have no right to my feelings in the first place. For me, I think THAT is when I start looking for triggers- I just keep hoping I can find something that will give me a "good enough" reason to cut... I think...

Am I making any sense, folks?

[Zenobia]

That makes perfect sense. Sometimes when things are going fine it may be due to some self denial. You know stuffing the feelings. Instead of speaking up when my hubby bugs me I just let it slide. And it is ok for a little while, and I like the smoothe quality of life for a little while. But then each time I stuff an irritation, life become duller because I turn a little more of myself off in order to not feel the irritaiton that I just stuffed.

Oh, this is interesting. Maybe instead of seeing it as needing a little chaos in my life maybe it is more that I clearer vision...honesty to myself. The self injury brings out the feelings tha I have stuffed. Unfortunately the feelings have been transformed in the process and get sent in the wrong direction.
Carrie

[Rapunzel]

I seek out triggers too. Also, sometimes I just feel like being depressed, but I'm not there, so I'll find something depressing to read, neglect my light therapy and SJW, and surrender to it. It's really not a good thing, but I've done it. Sometimes we can get pretty stubborn and not want to take care of ourselves, can't we? But that is very dangerous, and we need to watch for it and stop it.

We are entitled to feel the way that we feel, whether we hurt or are scared, or feel bad or good or whatever. Our feelings are ours, and you don't have to justify them or explain them. You don't even have to know why you feel the way you do. It's the way you feel, and it is your right. You don't have to make a reason either. There is a reason already, even if you can't identify what the reason is right now.

This reminds me of when I was a little girl and my teacher at school said to bring a wire hanger to school for an art project, but she said to bring one that was bent (no need to ruin good hangers). I was afraid that my mother wouldn't think that any hangers we had were bent enough, so I picked one and bent it some more. I think that we do the same thing with our emotions. We already hurt, but we are afraid that we don't hurt enough for anyone to be able to see it or accept it (even ourselves sometimes), so we make ourselves hurt more in order to justify feeling hurt. Sad, isn't it?

(((((((((((hugs for all who hurt)))))))))))))) no justification needed

[ktp]

I relate to what you all are saying.

I do find that I seek out triggers too. Mostly when I'm slightly agitated about something. I will dwell and dwell and read something that makes me just mad. Starts as nothing, ends with DESTROY mode.

Unfortunately for my poor body, it's aimed at me

No one else deserves to hurt, but I do. You know the thinking right?

I also do things when I'm feeling a little blue, like listening to certain songs that evoke long ago pushed down emotions and can go from smiling and functioning to sad and withdrawn and crying within a short amount of time. It's like sometimes my mind enjoys being jumbled up and not making sense. Or maybe it's that my body seems to enjoy the intense physical ache within me when I'm experiencing those very bad feelings. It's strange I know. But Wendy opened the flood gates when she stated "no justification needed"

Wow *wipes brow* that feels alot better!

(((((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))))))))
Kimberly.