[blue_roses]

<font color="#000088"> i want to hide! i'm so anxious at this very moment i wanna crawl right outta my skin. i have a doctor appointment tomorrow. the last time i saw this doctor was last year when i was involuntarily committed for self injury. he's the doc that prescribes my meds and wants to follow up.

i know it's no big deal. except i have to tell him the drugs aren't working well and now i have this insane anxiety that i can't live with. but i can't help being afraid he'll send me away again! i have self injured but not that badly. and i'm not going to tell him about it!!!! but i'm still scared. i expected it last time - i knew it was going to happen. i needed it to happen. but i don't want it now. i can't handle it again!!!!

i cut myself earlier on my hand. then i wrapped the razor up in a bit of paper towel and laid down with the razor in my hand and fell asleep. it was as if it were a comfort to hold it.

i know i've said before that cutting makes me feel strong. some times it does. but it's not tonight. i feel so alone. so incredibly alone. the people i love & who love me... i can't talk to.

i feel so incredibly insignificant right now. part of me wants my SI behavior to be as bad as it was last summer. i hurt myself beyond what words can express. but i'm frightened of it becoming that bad again.

i hate myself. i'm so incredibly useless. i'm going to lose everything because i can't pull myself together! it's going to be all my fault. when i have nothing, i'll only have myself to blame.

depressed one day...anxious the next...fine a day...lazy the next...am i ok or not...am i really sick or not....am i just a lazy loser?! just a pathetic lazy loser...

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[Christina86]

You are NOT a pathetic lazy loser.

I'm sorry you have an appt tomorrow. Those always bug me.

I hope that he listens to you and prescribes you different meds that work better. I also hope that he and you work together to help you the most... and from what it sounds like, another "involuntary commitment" wouldn't be the best idea.

Be safe, you can do this. Let us know how the appt goes, okay? Breathe.

[Rose3]

you're not a loser.
Maybe you've got a lot of things on your mind.
Maybe when you meet with the doctor, it'll be opportunity
to explain that the drugs are not working.
Hope things turn out okay.

[blue_roses]

(((((((( christina86 & rose3 )))))))))))))

thank you for the kind words of support! i hope things go smoothly tomorrow. and you are right another committment would NOT be a good thing!! i don't think it will happen - i'm just stressing.

i did email my best friends (a married couple). even though they are going through tough times themselves. i felt bad about doing it. but if i didn't they'd be upset if they found out i was upset and didn't tell them. so i feel a little calmer. i feel like a burden. but a calmer burden! :ugh:

i just hope i can go without cutting tonight. because there's this self sabotage thing going on where i know i'll cut where it can be seen by the doctor. then have to explain my way out of it. stupid huh! anything to add to my own misery! geez

thanks again for reading and posting. i appreciate your support!!!!!!!

[Rapunzel]

How did it go? I hope you were honest and that he realized that it's better for you to develop coping skills in the real world than to be locked away. It sounds like you are doing better. I hope that he gave you credit for the progress you have made.

It makes sense that cutting makes you feel strong, but wasn't the night before the appointment. Cutting probably gives you a sense of power and control, but at that moment cutting wasn't going to give you power or control, and you might have been worried that it would cause you to lose your freedom again, rather than protect you.

You have strength, but I hope you can come to see that your strength doesn't come from hurting yourself. It comes from having a choice, and exercising your choice.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( blue_roses )))))))))))))))