I am just a big fat mess (TRIGGER)

OK. I feel like complete crap. I'm so depressed I can't see straight. At the same time, I'm a little numb and perhaps starting to dissociate. At the same time, since I forgot the afternoon Klonopin before coming back to work, I'm anxious. I am so many conflicting things that I'm not sure what I *am,* exactly, except a mess. If I had to pin it down, I'd say the depression is winning.

I've done really well with the SI lately, last episode was May or June, I think. But I feel like *****, and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help and nobody's hearing me, and I am f'ing ready to hack off an arm with a rusty chainsaw just to get somebody to help me. I mean, I usually don't get any worse than what a bread knife or a razor blade can do, but I am ready to do some *SERIOUS* *DAMAGE.*

I know I am probably acting like a spoiled brat, but dammit, the best way I know to get through overwhelming emotional pain is to cause physical pain, disordered though that may be. And I'm ready to do it up big.

I don't know what I expect anyone to do about this, I just needed to vent. Sorry.

candy

(((((((((Candy))))))))))

It sounds like you hurt really bad right now. {{{{hug}}}} Venting is a good thing. Sometimes it's just what you've gotta do. I really know what you mean about being ready to do some serious damage in order to get some help. And after you have not done any for a few months, it seems to have a tendency to build up. I think that's when it is the most dangerous sometimes.

Who have you told that you need help? You can always talk to us here, but all we really can do is listen. Sometimes that isn't enough. Do you have a T? Have you told him/her what it's like for you lately? It may be scary to tell, but sometimes it's scarier not to, and it will be worse after you have done what you are thinking about. Can you just sit someone down and let them know, "I really need some help, and without it I am going to seriously damage myself." I hope you can find someone to tell. Please check in here and let us know what happens!
Love,
Wendy

Thanks Wendy. My T teaches a class on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:45-7:15, so I'm waiting for it to be 5:46 -- I just want his voice mail. I'll see him tomorrow. I'm debating calling my pdoc tomorrow, though I see him Monday. In the meantime, we'll see if I can resist temptation. So far it's been pretty difficult.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} back, thanks -- a few million more of those and I'll be fine.

Candy

I was wondering your diagnosis,how long you have suffered self harm and what the class is you were waiting for. I have dealt with self harm since I was about 14 It escalated at 15 when I became aware of sexual abuse I had deeply suppressed for most of my life. I was diagnosed borderline personality . Basically feeling a need to punish myself for many things valid or imagined. I have cut for every reason from attention to hopeful death. I was blessed to find Dialectical Behavior Therapy which gave me the knowledge that I was accountable for my actions and more importantly gave me skills to stop cutting when I was ready. I battled typical psych treatments and hospitalizations for another 7 or 8 years. Struggling to make my self harm remissions longer after each time I relapsed. It seemed 1 year between cutting episodes was all I could manage for a long time. I was in much despair thinking I would never be able to stop. More honestly afraid no matter what drugs or treatments the urges and desires to cut would never go away. Finally at 25 or 26 I severed all ties with the mental health profession and got my Pdoc to treat my psych problems. He prescribed 10 mg Zyprexa one a day and wellbutrin 300mg a day. It will be three years come march in 2005 that I have been able to refrain from cutting. While on these meds and not always being prompted to think about it by therapists The urge and desire actually toned down to a faint whisper only once in a very blue moon. I am concerned because since I stupidly stopped takink the Zyprexa a month ago I have noticed the faint whisper gaining volume. I would like you to know no more is possible when you are ready. I am very interested in finding out more about other peoples experiences with self harm and how they deal or what triggers them. Especially since I have been thinking more about cutting myself lately. I totally understand the whole point of do self harm and get paid attention to or heard or taken seriously as apposed to trying to verbalize the need for help. Please write back. I pray you are able to forge through this current urge or maybe, not that I promote self harm but maybe just a small wound instead of something so potentially fatal. Please know I care and will be thinking about you. Try to use your list of distractions if you have one otherwise you might think of creating one. Live one minute at a time and hang in there.

Thank you for your kind reply. It's good to know this stuff can be beat.

My diagnosis is recurrent major depression and PTSD. I have been cutting for about 7 years, am weird though because I started in my 30s, not my teens.

I went about a year without cutting till May or June of this year. I don't find that my T keeps reminding me of it, but it is still the first thing I think of every time I'm overwhelmed, so we talk about it then. I did cut tonight, but not very badly, little more than scratches...got into it with a pair of scissors for a bit...but the more I did it, the more I realized that no matter how much I did or how bad I did it, it wasn't going to make me feel any better. I'll deal with it tomorrow in therapy.

I am on so many meds I could open my own pharmacy -- Klonopin for anxiety, Effexor XR and desipramine for depression, Lamictal for a mood stabilizer because "they" are still trying to decide whether or not I'm really bipolar 2 instead of plain vanilla depressed, and Risperdal, which is supposed to help with the cutting, oddly enough. :-) I did just take an extra one a few minutes ago and it does take the edge off, but when I'm in moods like this, I just don't want to be talked out of it.

I'm glad to hear you have had such success with stopping this behavior and I hope someday I will do as well.

Thanks for responding to me.

Candy

((((((((((Candy)))))))))))

I'm a big mess right now too, but I'm thinking of you sweetie. I sure hope you feel better really soon. I just wanted to say I don't think you're weird because you started to SI in your 30's...I was in my early 20's...not a teen either. I think it's more common than some will admit, as it's mostly teens who "talk about it" in the public eye. My husband also SI's but has done it since he was a child.

I think it's different for everyone. I went several years without cutting and pissed it all away last night! I am pretty mad at myself. Ofcourse, thats not the only way to SI but I want you to know that I wish you luck and we're here for you no matter what!

(((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))))))))

Take Care and Stay safe.
Much love,
Kimberly.

{{{{{{{{{a million hugs for Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

hehe What a great graphic, Rapunzel! Cheered me right up.

I didn't think I could possibly feel any worse than I did yesterday, but I do. I hope it doesn't just keep getting worse, but it's looking that way. I am supposed to go out of town tomorrow night through Monday morning to a very emotionally draining event, and I just don't know if I have it in me. Everybody keeps telling me to go, that it will be a diversion, but I just don't want to end up in a psych ward 5 states from home, you know? Oh well -- I see my pdoc the day I get back.

My sister called last night. She has worked with mentally ill people for 25 years. I told her about my panic attacks every time I come to work (I've mentioned this on other threads, but I got ambushed by my boss and stabbed in the back by 2 others, on a Wednesday no less, so Wednesdays especially freak me out now). She told me to get over it. I couldn't believe it. I mean, it's the most useless, not-understanding thing you can tell mentally ill people. This is the same sister who told me to stay out of the hospital because it looked bad. I'm starting to pity the people she's supposed to be helping!

Oh well. It WILL get better --- right?????

candy

I wanted to congratulate you on keeping some self control and limiting your si to a few scratches as opposed to what you felt like doing. This is a good thing.

My experience with my sister is not pleasant so it doesn't surprise me the way your sister reacted. This feeling is probably totally bases on my feelings toward mine. Grrr. She would do anything she could to upset me. Anyway, know that you are not the only one who's sister is next to useless when it comes to support and kindness.
Carrie

I care, and worry too. You have my number, Candy, call me if you need to, okay? Please?

(((Candy))))
Please vent if that is what it takes for you to not hurt yourself!! We are here for you.

Jessica