feel like i have no right/reason to live... bad day may trigger

I'm having another really bad day. I have to do a presentation on self-injury today for Psi Chi, to finish off my project and finally get that stupid Apprenticeship class over with. Funny thing is, my presentation (as a psych student) on self-injury is at 2:30pm. So here it is, 11am and I'm cutting and falling to pieces. Made one of the worst cuts I've ever made, and thinking about making more.

My T has been arraning with Voc Rehab back in her town (3.5 hours away) for me to go through them to get help paying to make the trip down to her for counseling. They really like her there, so they are working with her. But they don't seem to like me at all. Whenever she calls to set things up, they are very courteous, but if I call them they make sure and let me know that I am a huge imposition and they are only doing this as a courtesy to her.

It makes me feel like garbage. Like my very existence is a huge imposition on the entire world. That's what I'm in therapy for in the first place. I was abused and neglected as a child and I already feel like I have no right to be alive.

Thanks for listening. Hope it wasn't too big an imposition on you that I posted.



Angela

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. Sending hugs. Hope your presentation went well. Let us know how you are. (((((SweetC)))))

Auntie

I'm just a melodramatic idiot. Just ignore me lol

SweetC, I don't know if you are speaking of receptionists (and apologies to any receptionists who may read this) but who do they think they are?

Receptionists are many of the medical facilities I have encountered seem to have a high opinion of themselves. They are rude to patients in person and on the phone. They gave my mom a hard time about scheduling an appt. for my dad, one the DOCTOR wanted him to ask. Only when my mom got snippy back, did she get some results.

My advice...they're not worth you being upset. Next time you call, be snippy back. Or better yet, talk to your doc and explain the problem. Maybe she will take over the calling OR she may have the power to make a complaint stick.

(((((SweetC))))) I hope things improve.

((((((((((((ANGELA)))))))))))

*****Super MEGA TIGHT SQUISHIES******* to you hon.

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. That project has to be hard for you. Good luck getting through it and come back and let us know all is okay....ok?

I got through it just fine (thank you, dissocation! numbness comes in handy sometimes!) lol

I'm ok. I just let my history get the best of me today and seriously overreacted.

Thanks for the love, all! Sending love and squishies back at you all!

Angela

Ignore you? I don't think so. You're not being melodramatic. You're having feeeeelings. Remember - those things other people are allowed to have? Ah, yeah, we had this conversation before, huh?

Please hang on to hope, hon

Take care. emmy

I feel ashamed that I gave in today. And I think the trigger wasn't big enough to justify backtracking yet again.

I don't want self-injury to stay a part of my life anymore. Why do I keep changing my mind?

((((Angela)))) If you were having a rough go of it then definitely your feelings are valid and I know it seems not to be justified now, you know as well as I, that at the time we don't necessarily think that

I agree with you. I don't think anyone wants it anymore, I know I'm sick of it.

I wish I could answer that question for you, but I can't. I can only send you much love and wish for you many blessings and send the **squishies** ofcourse! (Cant forget those) I sure hope you find your answer soon and you can be freed of it all...

Take Care,
Kimberly.

Oh and I forgot to add...

*giving Angela a stern look* YOU ARE NEVER AN IMPOSITION!!! NEVER...

now...

****super mega tight squishies just for you sweetheart!****

Kimberly

*****squishies to Kimberly, Emmy, 1day, and Ozzie******

Love you all lots,
Angela

I imagine there was a conversation going on in your head about whether to do this or not. You were stressed out, upset, hurt, angry, sad, whatever emotion it was...and you thought about SI. Considered it as an option. You fought the idea, and maybe this went on for a bit? I'm just guessing.

It seems to be coping strategy you might turn to when most upset, but then after once....the bar drops for when it's OK to use it, ya know? Like today you said the trigger wasn't that big. Just know I worry about you.

I'll support you no matter what, but you gotta put that bar back up high. I need you to be safe. Hugs!

emmy

P.S. And you know those wenches from Voc Rehab who call to schedule with you? Just remember, girl, they might just be working for YOU someday! So keep that in the back of your mind the next time you talk to them. They can just kiss your best writing instrument!!

emmers

Thanks Aunty Emmers!!!

I don't feel like I deserve having someone like you in my corner, but i'm sure glad you are there!!!

You are so kind.

*hugs*
Angela

You silly Psych Major you. Do this. Go to your profile, then click on the option to view all your posts. Scroll through the 1750+ posts you have made here. You know that most of them are supportive, highly informative, or simply kind-hearted and/or silly posts to people you never even met!!!

I consider that we are ALL damn lucky to have you here on psych central. You are an amazing resource to this community. And yer cute too.

Would your Auntie lie to you? Well, maybe....but I'm not this time. Honest.

Thanks, Emmy. *hugs* You are my very favorite aunt, you know that? And you can tell my blood relatives that, too! lol!!

I appreciate all the love all of you offer me. Thanks!!

My dad and little sister were in a car accident tonight, to top it off. When my mom called, she didn't know details and I was kinda panicky. Tonight is also the two-month anniversary of my friend Jon being killed in that car accident. But my dad and sister turned out ok. And it sounds like they were very lucky. My dad's head went through my sister's windshield and he seems to have cracked a rib. My mom went to see them (mom and dad are divorced). She's a nurse. She says it looks like they both have concussions. But my sister was examined in the hospital and she looked ok. So everything's alright, thank Heaven. Except my sister totalled her new car. The second car she has totalled, btw. I'd hate to be paying her insurance! Yikes!!

Anyway, so it's been a rough day! lol Time to breathe... in.... and out.... in.... and out.... lol

Thanks for the caring everyone,
Angela

Sorry you've had such a bad day
Sending you some big ol bearhugs!
((((((((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

Jeepers creepers!!! Talk about a bad day!! (funny...when I first typed that it was "bed" day, like you shoulda just stayed there....)

The anniversary was a big trigger hon. Grief is a sneaky thing. Creeps up on us in surprising ways and at unusual times.

And after all that, to get the call about your family! Wow. I'm so glad they are OK but it sure must have been scarey. That broken rib hurts! Well, only when he breathes......ouch. I did that skiing -- OK, well, falling.

Sending soothing healing Oooooommm's your way.

Auntie

Whoa....close call huh?Poor dad!

Glad everyone is okay. It was very nice of your mom to go visit your dad and check on him for you. I'm sending some good vibes to you right now...Can ya feel 'em???

Happy thoughts and many blessings to you dear friend,
Kimberly.

((((((((((((((((((angela))))))))))))))))

I am usually pretty quiet around here but I can't be quiet about how you have helped many here in this forum. I try to read every post that you write. I know by reading what you write that you are a very kind , sweet and caring person. Thank you for posting here and helping us deal with our many life situations.

Leslie

Gotta get in on some of these hugs. It was nice chatting with you. Everybody doing ok today, I hope?

Thank you so much! I'm doing pretty good today, thankfully. I cycle pretty rapidly I've noticed lol



((((((Leslie))))))) &
((((((Wendy))))))))