one good reason (TRIGGER)

I'm taking a survey. Here's the sole question:

Give me one good reason I shouldn't cut.

I broke a glass today. Got some nice big juicy glass shards just calling my name. I left them on the bathroom counter after throwing most of them away, but I know they're there.

I am currently in partial. Every day they give us these stupid symptom rating sheets, and every day I put "10" on a 1-10 scale for "urge to harm self" and every day the nurse and Ts freak out and make sure I have a "safety plan" and all that crap.

You know what? I don't f'ing care. I get triggered out of my f'ing mind every single day there, and I want to cut, and I see no reason not to. Frankly, I just don't care that much about myself or what happens to me. So why is it such a big damn deal?

If anybody can come up with a good reason I shouldn't have some fun with those glass shards, you let me know. I will do my best to listen with an open mind, I swear.

Candy

You have hurt enough, Candybear. You hurt so much already, you don't deserve more hurt piled on top of it.

Plus, you might end up completely hospitalized if you cut.

P.S.

You have a great relationship with your T, who is working hard to help you get better. If not for you, let it be a mark of your dedication to your therapeutic relationship that you choose not to cut even when things are this hard for you. That would be a strong testament to your appreciation for your T's work, and your dedication to the therapeutic relationship.

You don't deserve pain! Believe me...my T would freak out when I would rate at a 8. I found that coloring helps me a little. I bought coloring books and crayons and I color in school all the time (I am a senior in High school). So far it has helped me distract myself by concentrating on the picture in front of me.

You're a sneaky one, Angela. You know just what buttons to push to get the reaction you want. You're going to be a terrific psychologist.

Yes, I have a fabulous relationship with my T, I love him with all my heart and am so grateful for all he's done for me. So the first time I cut in about a year (May or June or so), I felt so horrible that I spent the entire session sitting in his office, bawling my eyes out because I let him down. He had knocked himself out for MONTHS trying to get me through that particular issue, and I blew it, and I was devastated because I wasn't good enough to be strong.

This last time I cut, I started with an aluminum can lid and progressed to trying something with scissors and my stomach. I walked into therapy the next night, said "I cut, and I didn't want to stop," and there were no tears and no self-hatred, just blah. Nothing. No feeling at all.

I'm still there. I don't feel a damn thing for myself. I don't care what happens to me, and now that I know that neither my T or pdoc gets mad at me when I cut, why shouldn't I? I keep hearing in my head the discussion in group therapy yesterday. I told someone who is a wreck over the death of her mother that I envied her, for having that kind of relationship with her mother. Mine abused me and I don't know if I'll feel anything at all when she dies. I can't really say I love her. I'm sorry that this woman is hurting so badly, but I think it would be wonderful to miss a parent that much.

But somehow the discussion turned around to me. This same woman teaches 1st grade, about the age I was when the abuse started. She and the T running the group tried to convince me that no one deserves to be hurt, especially innocent little kids. But you know what? I do. At core, I am a bad person. So I deserve bad things. And I got them. And it only makes sense now to give them to myself, because I'm still bad.

I'll give Gregory a thought, but I don't know if it will be enough.

Candy

Ok, fair enough. It's good that he doesn't get mad at you for it, Candybear. I think it's pretty obvious that you try your very hardest to cope in other ways. If you are trying as hard as you can, that's all he can ask of you.

Any chance you might give him a call?

*big huge, safe hugs* if you want them

I'll be checking in on you, so keep posting, ok?

Angela

Here's the email I just sent to my T, so I don't have to explain this all again.
=====
OK, Gregory, we have this deal that when I want to cut, i write you about it. The evil Ts and nurses in partial also are holding me to that. The farthest I'm going tonight is that I'm doing it, and I make no promises after that.

I know how hard you have tried to help me with certain things, and that's part of what makes me feel so bad if I go through with it -- I hate letting you down. But here's where I am right now: I had that miserable afternoon yesterday in group therapy. There's a woman in the group who teaches first grade, which is roughly how old I was when I have the first real memory of abuse. She told me that no little kid deserves to be hurt, not even when they're being rotten, and she couldn't imagine any situation in which that wouldn't be true.The therapist tried the same tack. I just sat there and bawled my eyes out, and then I went to the bathroom down the hall and bawled some more.

When I look way deep down inside of me, Gregory, all I see is the black ball that eventually becomes the black goo. At the very core of me, I see blackness and evil and "bad." I went and posted on the SI board, and people are telling me I"ve been hurt enough and don't need any more pain, and I can't agree. Right now, I hurt like hell, I want some validation for my pain, and whatever I got I really do think somehow I earned. I don't know how to get around that. You are hands down the best therapist I've ever had, but even with all the time and patience you've put into me, and all that's still to come, I don't know if I will ever lose the black ball in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to hear about how much I've accomplished in spite of things. I don't want to hear that people are inherently good. I'M NOT. All there is is darkness.

Now. If you thought that about yourself, wouldn't you want to do something about it? Well, I want to cut. I broke a glass today, and while I swept up most of it, I saved a couple of the larger shards. They're sitting on my bathroom counter, taunting me. I'm ready to do some damage. I can't bear letting you down again, but I can't stand feeling like this a lot longer, either.

I'm trying everything, really. I wrote you. I took a bath. I made some dinner. I read part of a funny book. I looked over the chart you made me. I'm about to go take an extra Risperdal, after I stop crying. But if I do all that and it still doesn't work, I'm out of options.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day, right? Hang onto this -- we'll have a lot to talk about after Thanksgiving....

Candy

(((((Candy))))) only if you're comfortable with and want hugs.

You did not deserve any of the things that were done to you. Please do something for me. Picture a tiny newborn baby in your mind's eye. Just any baby. Now tell that baby that they are nothing but bad and that inside of them there is blackness, and nothing good or lovable about them. Tell a newborn baby that they deserve to get hurt by big, angry adults who are not in control of their own pain. Sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn't it?

You are a mother, right? Think of your son. Do you think it's in any way possible that he was just "born bad"? Of course not. And you were not born bad, either.

If I could be where you are tonight, Candy, I would hug you. I would look at you with very caring eyes and tell you that you NEVER deserved to be hurt- not even one time, ever once, no matter what. I would tell you that you were an innocent, helpless, little tiny lovable little girl who got hurt by adults who made VERY wrong decisions.

Your pain is real, and it is there for a reason. I can practically hear it, feel it, as I read your words. It is real, and you do not have to cut to prove it to yourself or anyone. I know you hurt. Gregory knows that you hurt. And you know that you hurt, too.

You don't deserve more hurting. You already hurt so very much.

I will still be checking back on you regularly. I am here for you, because you matter and you deserve caring, not pain.

((((((more safe hugs))))))) ONLY if you want them.

Angela

P.S. I am proud of you for writing to Gregory. That was a great thing to do

My one reason to continue the effort to stop hurting myself is that as long as I continue to cover up my feelings with self injury I will not have the opportunity to face them head on and work through them once and for all. Instead they will lie beneath the surface just waiting for me to trip on them again and again which simply leads me to more pain and more scars. I am going to stop because I am tired of running in circles with the same stupid pain. I am ready to move on.
Carrie

You know, an eye doctor once told me that half of my tear ducts are blocked and that's why my eyes are always dry. You'd never guess it over the last couple days. ;-)

Angela, I love hugs, but nobody can ever give me enough to feel better. But I appreciate yours.

My son is the most precious, beautiful, perfect thing in my world and I would do anything to protect him. He has been raised by people who have affirmed him at every step and he is happy and self-confident, and I fall all over myself thanking them every time I write that they have given him such a wonderful life. I *KNOW* there is nothing inherently bad about him. I knew when I held him for the first time how precious and wonderful he was, and what a gift from God.

But, I can't get there for myself.

I was an "oops." My sibs are 8, 10, 12 and 13 years older than me. My mother looooves to tell people that she was going to take up golf when she was 35, but got pregnant instead (that would be me). She thinks it's funny as hell. Since I've been old enough to object, I've been objecting, and she tells I'm too sensitive. She also likes to tell me how she complained to her mother (my grandma, who I didn't know very well) about being pregnant again, and my grandma told her I would be her angel. Sure didn't get treated like one of those, either.

I don't even want to get into the stuff about the "other" abuse, the mental and verbal was bad enough, but you listen to that enough and eventually you get to be middle-aged and thinking you're a worthless, rotten piece of *****. Gregory regularly tells me that even of just the little I've told him of the abuse, it horrifies him and he gives me all kinds of credit for still being alive and having accomplished as much as I have (which to me is zero). I guess I just don't think it was that bad because to me, that's what normal was. I don't like the result, but I didn't know any better.

I should probably just go to bed. Like I told Gregory, tomorrow is another day. You're sweet to care about me -- thank you.

Candy

Candy,

You had a terribly painful childhoo and that is heart-breakingly sad. It definitely leaves marks on a person to go through such awful things, no doubt about it

You did not deserve ANY of it. You were born into the world the same way the rest of are born- perfectly innocent and beautiful. The pain you have suffered happened because of your PARENTS' shortcomings, not any shortcomings of your own.

I totally support you just going to bed if you think that's what's best for you I'll be the last person to keep you awake and talking about miserable things, if you're feeling like you can sleep now. I'm just here for you as long as you want me to be, ok?

Sleep tight.

Angela

I have been the listener of those "humorous" stories as well. One of my mom's favorite stories was about how when I was born Dad went to notify everyone in the family that his little Kelly was born. Well, while he was gone mom decided that I was too ugly to be a Kelly so she named me Carrie.

Yeah, those "Funny" stories just are not so funny to little girls. The last time she started telling the story again I interrupted her when she started to say too ugly and put in the words "and you thought I was too d*** beautiful to be a Kelly." My Dad seconded the comment and I haven't heard it again.
Carrie

God, Carrie, how horrible. But you had an awesome comeback to it and support from your dad, how cool is that! I'm glad you could finally confront your mom. I keep telling mine that story hurts me every time she tells it, and she just blows me off.

I promised 432 people today that I would come home and pitch the glass shards, so I guess I'll go do that. I need to take the trash out anyway. They aren't speaking to me as loudly as they were last night, but they're still whispering, anyway.

Candy

YAY!!!

Party for Candy, throwing out those glass shards!!!

I'm glad things are a little better today. I hope they keep getting a little better and better as each day goes by! Keep us posted, ok?

((((((Candy)))))) and (((((((Carrie))))))

Angela

I am glad the shards are going into the trash. Good on you.
Carrie

Weeeeellllll ......

I found a stray piece of glass behind the bathroom door. I washed it off and wiped it down, etc., and I'm trying to find a reason not to use it. In spite of 2 Klonopin, I am anxiety- and panic-ridden as hell, and have been all afternoon. If you've been reading my thread on the depression forum, you know how f'ing useless partial has been, but I don't feel ready to leave, even though I think I get more depressed there. I am in NO WAY ready to return to work, though.

It's cold and rainy and I was up once an hour last night and so I'm exhausted, and I'm supposed to go to a friend's house for leftovers, since I didn't have any invitations anywhere on Thanksgiving, and I just don't see any good reason not to cut. My in-house psychiatrist today seemed surprised -- I mean, you'd think in the course of his career he's dealt with depressives before ;-) -- that I couldn't come up with 5 good things about myself off the top of my head. He told me to focus on the little things that we all take for granted, and come up with 40 by Monday!

I told him he was living in dreamland, so he settled on 20, but I still don't know how I'm going to do it. And I still feel like crap enough about myself that I want to cut.

Sigh.

Somewhere, somehow, I would like to find someone who has successfully overcome this to the point that it's not the first thing they think of every time something goes wrong or they just feel really bad. Do you think such a person exists?

Candy

hmmm
you are a good writer
you are a good friend
you are stronger than you know
you are well educated
you are lovely

there is a start for you. ;o}

((((((((Candy)))))))))

I know what you mean, girl! I hope someday the blade isn't the first thing that I think of every time I hurt.

I do know a couple of people who have gotten there. They are very inspirational to me.

Hang in there, sweetie. Keep telling us how you feel.

You are kind
You are blunt (in a good way)
You are funny
You are realistic
You are helpful

You are LOVED.

(((((Hugs)))))

Angela

Thank you, dalila and Angela. It's always good to have help with homework, especially when it comes from a psychiatrist . I really appreciate the kind words.

Candy