Flashback

Last night I was talking with a guy I really like and he really likes me. I started thinking of everything that turns me on...then I started thinking of everthing me and my ex did to each other when we were together. I started thinking of how she brought men home to screw me...I remember it affected me so badly that I cut myself. I wanted to cut so badly last night.

When will all this stop? I want out of this cutting cycle. I know I have to stop it, but I don't have the strength I think. I know I'm the only one who has control of it, but it doesn't feel that way.

I often have memories of when I was raped. It seems every time I have any kind of sexual pleasure they come back to me. These memories often led to the desire to cut. Before I got into therapy I hurt myself everytime my husband and I got intimate. Since I have been in therapy that need has lessened. As I slowly release myself from the grasp of those memories I find the need to self injure after sex has deminished to a feeling of meloncholia. Dreams however still trigger me so badly that I usually end up slipping into that space.
Carrie