Flashback......

When i was seeing my T about a year and 1/2 ago, one day I was having an especially hard time and I went to the health center (at my school) and asked the nurse if i could lie down for this period because i just couldn't go to class. I was so upset and was all red-faced from crying and so she brought me into a room by myself where i could sleep if i wanted.

I couldn't sleep at all though, and about a 1/2 into my "rest" i heard my T come into the Health Center (which is also where her office was). I heard her talking with the nurse there, and in my head i was secretly hoping that she might mention that I was in there. A couple minutes passed and i thought for sure my wishful thinking was never going to happen, which then just made things worse.

But ... But, then my T knocked lightly on the door and asked if it was Ok that she come in. My heart started pounding and i was thinking to myself "As if that actually happened."
Then she came and sat on the end of the bed with me. She made a joke about how luxurious it was so be able to come and lie down in here in the middle of class. Then she asked me how i was doing, and i just started crying. This was the first (and only) time i ever cried in front of her. Then she came over and gave me the biggest reassuring hug and just held me. Held me and rocked me back and forth until i calmed down.



How much i wish i could be in that exact same spot right now. I would give anything to have her back in my life ... or to be back in that life with her.

She's such a gentle caring person, and I was so lucky to have her in my life. Only problem now is, she's not so much .. and not a day goes by where i don't long to sit and talk with her. Hear her voice. Hear about how her day's going, or what trouble her little ones are getting in to.

She was my constant ... my one person that i knew i could trust, and who i could tell genuinely cared about me. Without her, i feel so lost. Floating along without anyone to help keep me grounded.

I need her.

Why not contact her? (((hugs)))

((( jacq10 )))

What a wonderful thing to have happen and a wonderful memory to cherish.

Can you go back to seeing her?

Thank you for responding ((((((((Sky & Echoes))))))))))

I do have the means to contact her, but I feel bad bothering her. Besides, i don't really have a "reason" except to tell her I miss her ... but i shouldn't do that. I might email her when it comes around to xmas time, just to wish her a good xmas ... but i don't know

And yes Echoes ... it is a wonderful memory to have. The only problem is it's one of the most painful because it meant so much to me. And I only saw her while i was in High School ... I'm not anymore, and I don't live near there either. I wish though ...

Anyways, thank you both again

ive read this post over and over, just picturing me being in that room and my T coming in and holding me.... its my dream to have me be crying and her rocking me. thank you for sharing

(((((((((Krazibean)))))))))))
I know ....

jacq, that scene is both warm and wonderful and sad at the same time. It sounds like she was such an important person in your life, and you are still mourning her loss. I think any T would welcome a letter from a former client, telling them how much they meant and helped during a time of need. To help you grieve her loss, you could write her a letter, and even if you didn't send it, it could still help you.

A couple of months into my therapy with my current T, the ghost of a former T stood in the room with us. Where did he come from, I wondered? I hadn't thought of him for years, a friend and psychiatrist I saw for therapy as a young woman. It was a complicated relationship and it didn't end well. Seeing my current T opened up this still unresolved relationship. I did some grieving in therapy and wrote my former T a letter. Didn't send it (don't know where he is), but the letter was really cathartic. Maybe a letter would help you too.

((((jacq))))

((((((((((Sunrise)))))))))

"Warm, Wonderful, and Sad" is a perfect description.

I am definitely still mourning her loss .. have been for a while now. But i'm not sure that writing a letter would necessarily help me. I've actually been able to express to her how much she means to me, and have seen her a couple times since i've graduated... so i'm not entirely sure what i can do. I love the idea of writing her a letter, because i get to think about all the important things she is to me ... but afterwards I end up feeling more sad then when i started. So I try and not think about her as much .. but then it just seems to keep building until i finally acknowledge her once again.

Oh well, I should really just focus on the fact that she did come in to my life, it was an amazing experience, and because of her, i was able to learn about love, and life, and those are precious things that i hold dear to my heart. End of story.

If only it were that easy ...

I'm happy to hear that you were able to work through your grieving in therapy ... funny how things (or people) just sneak up on us sometimes ...

Thank you for your kind response
(((((sunrise))))))

just wondering, what separated you and that T? how did it end? did you have proper closure? did she say it was ok to call and check in every now and then? did she give you an email address to let her know how you were doing once in awhile? i'm sure she'd love to hear from you, just to know how your doing. is it impossible to be able to have her as your T again? is it something other than distance you can work on? haha sorry for all the questions but if i were you id be finding every possible way to bring her back in my life.

lol it's okay I don't mind questions.
I stopped seeing her because she was my counselor at my High School and then i graduated. She still works there (and only there) so i can't see her in that way anymore, and I don't live anywhere near my High School anyways.

We ended things .. really well. Our last session was really good, she told me to stay in touch, and that now she "was just an older woman, keeping in touch with another woman" - to kind of break the therapeutic boundaries. And I've seen her a couple times since then (we've went out for coffee, etc when i was visiting) and she's always really happy to see me .... but i still feel like i'm imposing when i contact her.

I know i could contact her if i wanted (and i do), but, I cant help but feel like she's really thinking "common now, I haven't been your T in a year and 1/2, why are you still bugging me?" In my heart, I don't think thats true ... but this is one of those cases where my brain keeps telling me that she wouldn't want to keep in touch with someone like me ... I was just another client.

Anyhow, does that answer your questions? lol ... i feel like i've just been rambling on about her for a good while! (Sorry to those that really don't care!!)

haha number one, the people who don't care won't even be reading this so no worries on that. yes you answered my questions, lol. i'm glad she allows you to keep in touch, and she does want to! trust me, a therapist wouldn't say those things if they didn't mean it. and since she kinda took out the therapeutic boundaries, maybe she's even willing to be friends??? you're not a bother to her, really. turn that part of your brain off. yes, be happy you had her in the way you did, and cherish that, but also look for a new and different relationship with her and accept that for the present. hope things work out

lol thanks krazibean for the positive reinforcement

If only things were as easy as "turning you're brain off" - boy would i take advantage of that one!